no fear allowed

I've had a variety of experiences in my career. I've experienced mediocre bosses, good bosses, horrible bosses and a couple of amazing wonderful ones. I've had good jobs, challenging jobs, stick a needle in my eye if I have to do this one more day jobs, and come face to face with the burnout monster more than once.

So, I've come to value and appreciate balance between work stress and the rest of my life as well as the interpersonal relationships I have with  my boss and my team. I'm in the fortunate spot right now to have the best team I've ever worked with. Our boss is a superhero and always our biggest cheerleader. My coworkers and I naturally support and encourage each other personally and professionally. Everyone pulls their weight.

The problem is, we're pulling too much weight. We're extremely overworked and our creativity and ability to excel at our jobs is suffering. It's been this way for a couple of years, and there is no relief in sight. I've been able to hold on and stave off the burnout monster for a while, simply by relying on the strength of our team. Knowing that we're in this together helps. I think we all know that if one of us leaves, the team could easily implode because there isn't any wiggle room to absorb the workload.

A position recently opened up that seems to be written exactly for me and my experience. I know I would do a great job at it. But I hesitated when I was first told about it.

Last weekend, during some much needed down time with family, I had the opportunity to talk it over with my mom and brother, and also seriously listen to my own heart. I realized I was letting fear cause my hesitation. It's not doubt that I'm good enough, it's fear that I'm leaving behind a great boss and team and may never have that again. Looking at that fear, I realize that there is no way that my new boss would be as bad as the horrible Rhonda was. From all reports, he's a fair boss and not a micro-manager, empowering his employees to make decisions. In my current job, I'm bored with the tasks I do. I'm not challenged by the substance of my work, just the quantity of it after five years of doing the same thing. I need to grow and learn and expand my skills. This job would give me a challenge. I'm ready for one.

I know I can't let fear make the decision for me. So I threw my hat in the ring and applied for the job. Wish me luck.

monday merriment

As I get ready for another possibly slightly busy and crazy work week... I need a little wordy pick me up to put me in the right frame of mind to keep my spirit light... This will do.

 

 

how can you mend a broken heart

A few weeks ago, my heart broke wide open once again.

During a short but long overdue visit with Mary and Rohn, I learned a few things that both infuriate me and break my heart at the same time.

I remember that day in October 2008, when I laid on the bed next to Rochelle, just a few hours before she passed away. She was struggling to talk, and was unable to. I held her hand and laid my head on her shoulder and told her to rest, that it was okay. I told her that I'd help make sure that her son was taken care of, that he'd never forget his mother, and that he would always feel loved.

And now I feel like I've let her down.

A ten year old boy without a mom, whose new stepmother doesn't hug him, cuddle him or love him the same as her own child. A boy who needs affection and an encouraging voice. He looks so much like his mother, and he has her infectious spirit, her playful mischievous laugh, and her sense of humor. As my birthday twin, he and I share a special bond. I love that kid more than I have words for.

So, how is it that he has come to live in a home that doesn't encourage him to remember her, that tolerates but doesn't help him deal with his grief? How can someone look at this child and not feel his loneliness and want to ease it?

In a tolerant and patient and forgiving moment, I can almost understand why it's easier for Dave to let go of Rochelle's memory than to actively help Rohn remember, and how Jeannie might feel insecure with the ghost of her new husband's first wife hanging around. But then I see Rohn and I want to kick both of their asses. To not include Dave and Rohn's whole family in their wedding? To treat Frank and Mary like they haven't been Dave's other set of parents, let alone friends for all these years? To hear Mary tell me that she feels as though she's not only lost her daughter, but now a son as well just made me want to scream.

As for me, I just get a cold shoulder and a "your best time to see Rohn is when he's with Mary" when I contact Dave. He doesn't say it out loud, but I got the message. I'm no longer welcome as a part of his and Rohn's life. That hurts. But not as much as what that message and attitude are going to do to Rohn as he grows up.

I want so much to believe that Dave picked someone who is good for him and who will be good to Rohn. After all, he picked Rochelle, and look at how good they were for each other. I'm just not seeing that in his new relationship. And that pisses me off. Rohn deserves better. Dave deserves better.

I'm not used to feeling anger like this. It's not a natural feeling for me to be pissed off. I'm the one who finds the even ground and makes her way through life as peacefully as possible. Not that I don't rock the boat, I just don't do it in the heat of the moment. When that feeling of anger and (hard to admit) even momentary hatred came bubbling up while standing in the parking lot talking to Mary, it caught me by surprise. Later, as I was retelling the story to my sponge girls, the same feeling choked me up and it's been haunting me for the last few weeks.

Anger. It's part of the grief process, I know. I just haven't experienced it like this yet, so I'm not totally sure how to deal with it. I know it's a valuable emotion and I recognize that I need to allow this part of the grief process to run its course, and that eventually I'll find a way to focus and channel the emotions in a way that is helpful.

I just keep wondering who is going to teach Rohn how to deal with his emotions and grief in a productive way. Who will mend his broken heart?

don't knock me down

This was my week:

Yep. One problem after another. Work sucks right now. I don't say that often, and I hate having that kind of attitude, but I'm not going to lie. When my weekend starts on Thursday night with not getting home until 8:00 because I worked late for the 4th day in a row, and then not going to sleep until 1:00 AM (and not because of a man) because my work week is rolling around in my brain and WON'T FUCKING STOP.

So today will be better. Shoveling rock and mulch before it rains. And rains. And rains. Hey, at least I'm not shoveling manure.

And then...football. Oh yeah!

lifetime friends

Today is a special day. It's a celebration of lifetime friendships and birthdays.

In 7th and 8th grade, I was... well, ok let's be honest... I was a nerd. I was the girl who went from a small private school where my 6th grade class had 12 students to a junior high with 300+ in my grade alone. To say there was an adjustment is the understatement of the century. I didn't have the coolest clothes, I wore glasses, I always felt chubby, my crazy hair wouldn't behave and it was 1983 so I got a perm. I was in all the advanced classes with students who would later go to work for NASA. Literally, I hung out with rocket scientists. And to top it off... puberty. Oh the joys of growing hair and breasts and hormones going crazy. How did we ever survive?

I know how. In the midst of all that, I found my tribe. The other girls who were struggling to fit in, to find themselves. We sat together at lunch and we talked about life, and somehow we forged friendships that would last decades. And that tribe included the wonderful Roxann and Kendra. Twins who couldn't be more different on the inside but who balance each other and are truly two of the best friends ever. The things we've each had to live with and endure in our lives have run the full spectrum. From a girl who ran away at age 15 and lived on the streets for months, to the single mom who found her prince charming only to have him taken from her in an instant, to little ol' me and my path to and from love.

We met over 30 years ago. There is something extremely comforting in being friends with someone who has known you that long. When I have a shitty day, I don't have to explain myself and why I'm feeling that way. They get it. They know how my heart and mind work.

But... a lifetime friendship doesn't necessarily have to start when you're 12. I mean, look at Julie... I've known her maybe a decade. It's her birthday too. And she's one of my dearest friends ever. We went through hell at work together, and learned how to laugh through the pain of a horrible boss. Even though she approaches life with her own unique set of filters that are completely different than mine - we are the best of friends. Yin and Yang.

To Kendra, Roxann and Julie - may your birthday be as happy as your friendship has made me all these years. Salut!

monday motivation - speak your truth

This isn't the post I was going to write today. But I think it's important enough to change my plans.

I woke up today knowing that I would get to chat with him and looking forward to it, even though I know we aren't exactly on the same relationship page right now. That's just how it is. I love discussing things with this man. It's interesting that with him, I can speak more freely than with anyone else. I know that I can express my wants and needs and wishes and dreams and he doesn't seem to judge them or me. He asks questions in a way that makes me think, and then sometimes, makes me face something I don't necessarily want to admit even to myself. I'm not even sure he realizes what he's doing.

Today, he asked me a fairly simple question. And in just thinking about the answer, a simple truth hit me, and the tears started to roll down my cheeks, and I fell apart.

"What do you want right now?"

The truth is, I want to NOT know how a broken heart feels. Maybe it's the time of year, the upcoming anniversaries of friends lost but never forgotten, but the cracks and wounds left by old heartaches are sore and tender. I wouldn't trade the experiences I've had and the love I've had for anything. But sometimes, I wish I still had the innocent ability to fall in love without reservation and without caution.

chicken

Well now I've gone and done it. I learned something new about myself. Alright, maybe it's not new...because I've been this way for some time. But I haven't realized it so plainly before. It's not something I want for myself, and so I must use this new knowledge as motivation to grow. To face it and own it and do what I can to change it.

I am a chicken.

Yep. I hesitate before facing my fears. I pause before jumping. I can't run full speed into the unknown. I can't just leap without a plan, a map, a prognosis. I hold back.

At some point, I learned to be a chicken, so how do I unlearn it? I'm not sure, but it may require experiments in spontaneity and courage. This could get interesting. Stay tuned...

time to think

I'm spending a much needed vacation week recharging my batteries and relaxing in one of my favorite places on the planet. Every time I step outside, I take a deep breath and let the scents of my hometown settle back into my soul. No other place smells like this, and I wish I could bottle the fragrance of Central Oregon. I haven't set an alarm since last Thursday, and I have barely looked at a clock as well. Yesterday I hiked for miles, and today I slept in (for me), lazed about for a while, then took a 2 hour nap this afternoon.

This year has taken a toll on me so far, emotionally and physically, and I've not had a lot of opportunities for real reflection and thinking. So I'm taking advantage of the break to allow myself to just sit and ponder as needed. 

I took a trip down memory lane yesterday and drove past my old house, past Rochelle's old house, past our high school, straight over to the park where we would go when we skipped class (shh). The swings are still there. All I needed was a Slurpee to complete the picture. Oh, and my best friend. I miss her so damn much. Nearly five years after she died, I want nothing more than one more conversation with her. A really long one, because we have a lot to talk about, she and I.

I wonder what she'd say about the things going on in my life now. What advice would she give me about the boomerang men? My job? The desire to pack my bags, sell my house, and run away to a sunny sandy beach town to make jewelry and sell flip flops? She always had a way of helping me make sense of things, even if she didn't outright tell me what to do. I need that now.

everything changed and it's all the same

Last week, I was having a conversation with a close friend about my love life. We sat there discussing the latest rollercoaster I was on, and the ups and downs I’ve been through in recent weeks, and the fact that I have a set of boomerangs that keep coming back every 4-6 months. Note to self - if this keeps happening, perhaps we should change the boomerang analogy to satellites. Taking leaps of faith and opening my heart to new adventures in love can be taxing at times. At one point, he mentioned how much my search for finding the right man for me has changed over the years that he’s known me.

I didn’t know what he meant at first. Seriously – I started looking for a good man and I’m still looking for one. Nothing has changed. I told him just that.

Later, as I thought about it some more, I realized exactly how right he was. Everything about my search has changed, even while my end goal has stayed the same. I nearly called him late that night to tell him he was right, but I don’t want to give him too much of an ego!

Once upon a time, in my twenties, I wanted a husband, a couple of kids, and a white picket fence life. I’d bake cookies, run to football games or piano practice, and we’d have dinner together every night. I wanted a tall, good looking man who loved country music and sports, who would play games with the kids and take me out dancing on Saturday nights. The list kept going…

As time rolls on, I realize that I will probably not have children of my own, I eat popcorn and wine for dinner some nights, and I run to happy hour and spend time laughing with friends. I’m still looking for someone to build a life with, but it's a different sort of life. In fact, as I look at where I am now, I wonder a little what would have happened if I'd stuck it out with a few of my exes - the one who didn't want kids, the one who wasn't ready to settle down, or who pushed me in directions I was convinced I didn't want to go. Would they smile and laugh, seeing that now, after all this time, I've chosen the same direction myself? I just wasn't ready for them then. But, if they could see me now...

I’ve dated good guys and bad boys. Men who were intellectual and could literally discuss rocket science, and men who barely graduated high school and whose bodies show how physically intense their work is, whether it’s raising cattle, fighting wild fires or building houses. Athletes and geeks. You name a type, I’ve probably at least gone on one date with a guy like that.

I have done a really good job of finding out what I don’t want. And in turn, finding out what I really do. It took me a long time to realize, and even longer to be ready to talk about the things I need in a relationship.

The crappy part about knowing what I really need now? It makes finding him even harder. In general, the qualities I’m looking for are similar to my original list, but they are much more refined. It’s like the high definition version of the list from my twenties. There were things I wanted back then that I described in physical qualities and facts. The list now is much more about finding a man with the right character and personality for me. Really, I don’t care as much about his physical features as I do about whether he makes me feel like a woman standing next to him. I won't lie though - I do like them tall. I don’t care about what he does for a living, but I do care about his work ethic. It doesn’t matter if he loves country music, as much as it matters that something evokes his passionate side like music, dancing and writing does for me.

In the last year of dating, as my list of wants and needs has evolved, I’ve come across a few men who started checking things off the list. The new list! It’s refreshing and so welcome. It gives me hope that I’m on the right track. Have I already met him, are we already friends, or is he still someone unknown? Time will tell. And so I keep on searching, to find the one with whom my heart belongs. 

motivation monday - it's about time

wise word wednesday

Since I missed motivation Monday... here's a little wise word for Wednesday instead.

The other night, we were looking at some boudoir photos that one of my besties just had done for her upcoming 10th anniversary. One of the girls made a comment about how amazing she looked, and that as women, we should all be able to embrace our bodies and love ourselves without fear of judgment. I believe her words were along the lines of - our bodies are amazing, we make babies for pete's sake, and we should celebrate that every day.

I agree. I think we should spend more time loving ourselves. Knowing who you are inside and out and loving yourself not in spite of your imperfections, but simply with your imperfections. Unconditional love. The outside world does enough to shame women (and men) into feeling less than enough. Don't you start doing it to yourself too.

monday motivation - the key to me?

 

 Or... is it...

the key to me = happiness? 

No matter what seems to be heading my way (this last weekend was difficult to say the least), I can still honestly and truly say that I am in a happy place. Dealing will illnesses, unexpected expenses, stress and loss has taken a toll, but because I have an amazing group of friends and family, I have been supported and loved through the chaos and upheaval. And that makes all the difference. It's true that crisis amplifies emotions and brings out people's true character, for the good or the bad. Friendships that had been strained are healed and strong again. Trust is growing among those I love, and relationships are getting healthier. 

Being happy does not happen by chance. It happens by choice. I choose to look for the good in the world. I choose to surround myself with people who lighten my load and make my heart feel fuller. Happiness happens when I focus on moving forward through hard times, when I don't allow myself to get stuck, when I empower myself to make choices from the heart, even if others may not think it's the right thing to do. And when I do that, when I allow and encourage happiness in myself and others, I feel truly and authentically like myself. 

That is about as motivating as motivation can get. To be myself. 

moving on

 

There's a certain point where rehashing the problems and the blame is just plain crazy. It's never going to be fixed and there's nothing more to be done than to stop, drop, and move on. Don't look back. It's not going to change, I promise.

the silence is so loud

On September 13, 2000, my best friend was born. He weighed exactly 16 ounces and was the second biggest in his litter of 12 chocolate lab puppies. I didn't meet him for another four weeks, and I didn't bring him home to live with me until four weeks after that.

 
Twelve years and nine months later, on June 29, 2013, we said farewell and I stroked his fur for the last time.

I knew my time was limited and I was as prepared to let him go as I could be. And I knew it would hurt and I'd miss him like crazy, and I do. I never thought about how silent the house would be. I didn't realize how it would feel to come home and not have to walk to the back to let him in from whatever place he was napping in the yard. How lonely it would be to not be woken up by a cute little face peeking over the mattress, letting me know that he needed something (a cookie, a restroom break, or just a kiss).


I can get used to sleeping in again. I can get used to the freedom of being able to not go straight home from work or coordinating to make sure someone could take care of him. But the silence? I don't know if I can get used to that.

nothing finer

I'm pretty sure there is nothing finer in this life than to love someone simply and straighforwardly. My happiness doesn't come from another, nor do I need a man to feel complete myself. We are our own separate people with our own experiences and lives, and the time we spend together should only add to both our happiness.

In my life, this type of love is a place where there is absolutely no judgment of each other. This love is not the sort that brings drama and unrest to people's lives; rather it is the place where our hearts go to rest. It's knowing that I can show up on his doorstep without a lick of makeup on and he'll still think I'm beautiful. It's being brave enough to let him listen to my secrets and knowing that they're safe in his heart; that he protects them as he would his own. It's peaceful, calm, romantic, strong and abiding. It's the kind of love that inspires sonnets.

oh, there you are

A few weeks ago, I made some changes. To my life, this blog, my house and my attitude. I'm happy to say, they all seem to be for the best! How do I know this? Because I just found a friend I didn't realize had skipped town for a while... me.

In the time I have been spending with friends recently, exploring new ideas, trying new adventures and sharing old memories, I have suddenly uncovered some things about myself that I had forgotten. It's refreshing to know that the girl I once was is still hanging around. She has a bright personality, a sharp wit, a kind and compassionate heart, and is brave enough to tell her truth to those who need to hear it. The world is so much more fun with her around.

It's funny; I didn't realize how much I wasn't feeling like myself until I started feeling like me again. I just knew that there was something out of balance, and I figured out what I could change in my life and something I could take proactive action toward fixing, and then I did it. And then I found the next thing I could change that was bugging me, and I changed it. And it's quite possible I'm on a roll.

who you'd be today

Today is Rochelle's birthday. My best friend for nearly a quarter century on this earth. We met in 9th grade, were inseparable throughout high school, along with Shauna, and after high school, things never really changed. Sure we moved, went to school, got jobs, fell in and out of love with boys, then fell in love with men. But whenever something big happened, my first phone call was always to her.

In all those years, I can't remember a single fight we had. We disagreed sometimes, but never fought. Because that would be like yelling at myself. We were that connected.

I miss her so much, and with all that's going on in my life right now, I really wish I could just call her. I know she'd have some good advice along with a funny story or two.

As the years go by, I find myself wondering what she'd be up to now. Would she and Dave have adopted a child, giving Rohn a brother or sister? Would she still be working at the pharmacy? Living in the same tiny house, and would they have finally taken the plunge to remodel it and add on? Kenny Chesney sings this song about losing his best friend in high school, and that song has always been a sweet reminder of Rochelle.

what's the difference...

...between compromising and settling?

I'd like to say I have it figured out and I know the answer, but I'm not sure I do.

So, there's this guy I REALLY like. And we get along like peaches and cream, chocolate and peanut butter, Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert. You know... really great and pretty amazing by themselves, but somehow when you put them together... TA DA!

The story from here, should say, "and he thought she was pretty amazing too, and they went and did amazing things together and many years passed..." But it doesn't. Not yet. I mean, I think it still could someday.

There are just a few things we don't necessarily agree on. And they're kind of big ticket items, for me anyway. So I'm stalling. I'm hesitating to take the next step, because I'm not sure what direction to go. Do I cut and run? Do I stand my ground? Or do I let him have his way?

And here is my struggle... In my bones, I feel an intense connection with this man. He understands me like very few ever have. If I give in, and let him have his way on the things we are currently disagreeing on, am I compromising or settling? Is it really a compromise when it feels like I'm doing all the giving, and he has not budged on anything? And is settling what I want to do? God knows I've done that, and ended up with a pretty badly beaten heart out of it.

Yet when I look at the alternative, at walking away, my heart slams on the brakes before I even move. Don't give up yet, it says.

So, how will we bridge the gap? Will we find the way to be together that meets both our needs and builds on the chemistry and attraction we already have? I hope so. My heart hopes so. My intuition says there's a way. I just need to find the compromise that works without feeling like either of us are settling.

Wish us luck.

when life hands me lemons...

I make my favorite luscious lemon cupcakes... a seriously yummy recipe you can find here. The fresh lemon buttercream frosting really makes it though. I've actually made this recipe with a box cake, using lemon juice in place of some of the liquid, and it came out great too. I made it as a layer cake, adding just enough yellow food color to the frosting to make you think of the sweetest creamy butter you've ever seen and topping it with yellow sugar.

I served it to my mom and Bill one day. I thought my mom might faint from the lemony goodness. Because that's how these girls roll. We love lemony goodness around here.

This week, life isn't handing me lemons. It is full of bananas though. Which, if you need to make banana cupcakes for a coworkers birthday next week, is just fine.

I'm thinking of this recipe, in hollowed out cupcakes full of the custardy filling and sliced bananas and a sweet whipped cream frosting.

Just one thing...I could use the actual bananas though, not the ones that ended up on my plate at work...

peace

Today, I'm amazed at how true this is. Life is running at full speed, and I'm just trying to keep my balance amidst more chaos and obstacles than ever. I can't even explain how much I need a break. More than 3 hours of sleep in a row would be a really nice start.

I won't even mention work, health, family, love, home, and all the other stressors that are throwing stuff my direction.

And yet, I find myself living with more calm and resolution than ever. I know there will be hard and painful days ahead. I also know that there will be goodness. My heart is full and open and peaceful.

young at heart

Ever since the day he picked me out, I’ve loved his sweet face. He is the essence of peace and confidence. He won’t back down if someone threatens his family (me), but he has also mastered the lazy “smell the roses” stroll. 

I admit, I didn’t fully know what I was getting into when I got him. I remember my best friend asking me if I knew that some dogs eat their own poop, and was I really prepared to deal with that? But I was in love, puppy love, and I fell in deep. And my life is so much better as a result. When I look at the friends I have now that I never would have met without him, I count my blessings. And when I remember the times he’s let me cry into his fur and just snuggled in when I needed love, I count them again. 

And so, when my cute old man who has arthritis and other complicated illnesses, brings me his ball when I get home, I can’t help but smile at his wagging tail and his cute little hop and skip and stroll to pick up the ball after I throw it. He’s so stinkin’ cute!

Print available here.

making room… literally

I have a lot of clothes. I know this. I have a hard time letting go and give myself all sorts of reasons to keep them – they will fit again, that little stain can be taken out, I just need to take the waist in, I could wear that as my grubby work around the house clothes, etc.

Do you remember that scene in 27 dresses when the closet of dresses bounces open right after Katherine Heigl’s character muscles it closed?

My closet wasn’t quite that bad. My dresser is another story. Do I need that many socks and tank tops?

Last night I started the process of really cleaning out the closet. I was putting away laundry, and something snapped. I just had it. I was tired and frustrated with my crowded and cramped space. So I am literally making room in my closet. I started only re-hanging things I have actually worn in the last 6 months and still fit. My goal is to cut my closet clutter in half. And dresser, you’re next!

I couldn’t get it all done, but I made enough room to hang up this week’s laundry without crying. I made enough of a dent to see the light at the end of the tunnel and keep motivated to keep on keeping on.

Now… to stick to my new plan… nothing new comes in without something old going out.

you had to be there

sponge
butter
unicorn
apparently
sickle cell anemia
who's got the brain today?

It's a word, it's a phrase, it's secret code! None of those words above mean anything unusual to most people. Except for me and my friends...

There is nothing better than those rare moments when you are reduced to laughing-till-you-snort/cry/pee by just a word or phrase uttered at the right moment. And how that phrase becomes part of the language of your friendship in an instant, so that ten or twenty (or more) years down the road, that word still sends you into a fit of giggles.

Even better when it makes you giggle out loud in a very inappropriate setting. Ahem..like during a board meeting. Know what I mean, Vern? 

liar liar

 

 'Cause someone would be running around half naked right now. 

And that's the truth.

Maui baby

This isn't a real post. It's just my favorite quotes of my Maui vacation, because I'm sleep deprived and needed a break from reality for a minute:

1. If he doesn't love this picture of you in a bikini, he isn't a real man.
2. Maloha. A word for those who can't say Aloha or Mahalo at the right times.
3. That guy looks like Vince Vaughn.
   Really? He doesn't look anything like him. Are you saying that just because he's tall?
   Yep. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Totally looks like Vince.
   I'm clearly not drunk enough, I'd better have another IPA in a can.
4. Snorkel trip motto: We get drunk, and the whales get happy. Everyone wins.
5. If you take home two 22 year olds, that doesn't make you a cougar. Just add them together and you have a 44 year old.
6. Dude, that's like tequila shots with a cough syrup chaser. Yeah, leaving Maui and going straight to a wedding in Compton is like that.

Imagining my toes in the sand with blue sky and palms above. Yeah... that'll do...

vintage

I love me some vintage furniture. Rambling around my favorite vintage store today with a friend, we found some great finds. Things that have a history, a story, show their use and love and are built of quality material have always appealed to me.

When it comes to relationships, I appreciate certain vintage traits as well. I enjoy a man who is made of quality, who has character and personality, who stands the test of time. Sure, we all have quirks, and different things appeal to different people. I prefer a more rustic vintage than hipster. Clean cut more than shabby. I go for sporty over sophisticated, and relaxed over formal. Pet friendly and easy to live with. And I don't want someone pretending to be a vintage that he's not. He has to be true and honestly the vintage I'm looking for, not a wannabe or faker.

After all, I'd hate to invest in that really amazing looking enamel table, and after it's made it's way into the heart of my home, find out it was made in China two years ago and lied to me about it's authenticity. I'd never be able to enjoy a meal there again, knowing it had cheated me from the very beginning.

So, I left the table at the store. Let it cheat someone else. This girl is extremely happy with her new rack anyway. Pot rack that is. I'm pretty sure he can hang with the best of them!

consequences

“People say that it's the big decisions that are important... that these are the type of issues worthy of prolonged consideration. But no one ever explains how it's the little choices that send your life careening in another direction.”
― Julie Gittus, Saltwater Moons 


I've been thinking about this a lot lately. That the little things you do matter in big ways. You  may not see it for a while, and you may not know which action or decision changed the course, but it all adds up.

For me, this quote is a reminder that the little things we do and say have a direct impact on our lives, our well being, and those of our loved ones. One little act of jealousy can set your relationship on fire, never to recover. Likewise, a friend showing up with your favorite Thai dish when you're sick can plant the seed that grows into love. A small choice, made in an instant, after which you find yourself making new plans for the rest of your life.

truth and consequence

 

How you treat people matters. Period.

a simple cure

funny thing about boomerangs... they come back

A few weeks ago, I wrote about boomerangs and men. Little did I know, that post was premature. Maybe it’s Australian new year, and this is the year of the boomerang? 

It’s true. There have been more boomerangs, er, I mean men, coming around again. First up is “D,” the guy with whom I had the shortest fling ever between Christmas and New Years. He lives in another state and was just here visiting, so we both knew it wasn’t going anywhere. It’s still not, but apparently I’m the only one who remembers that. I have to remind him when he calls me every couple weeks.

And when I was in California a few days later, just as I lay my head down one night… Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Five texts coming in. Yes. Five. And there is an apology that spans five texts. From “J,” the crazy guy. Guess he didn’t have the ability to send me a crate of doves and two dozen roses via text. If you weren’t sure about how I feel about this one – five texts in a row. At midnight. Nine months after his crazy text rampage that caused me to end the relationship just as it was getting off the ground.

A couple days later, “B” and “A” both text me – guys I had one date with and never saw again. Move along, gentlemen. I have.

And then, the super boomerang. The one who walked away from me. It hurt more than I can really admit, even now, months later. The morning he told me off, told me not to contact him again, I didn’t cry. I was numb. I didn’t feel a thing. If I allowed myself to feel the sting, it meant I cared. And if I cared, then that was just dumb of me, because he was capable of dismissing me so easily. So I simply didn’t feel it.

And then suddenly he was back. Along with a boatload of feelings bursting through the floodgates. I’m hurt, pissed off, confused, But I was also ridiculously happy to hear from him, and I'm afraid it’s turned me into a bit of a mess. I’ve missed talking to him so much.

I wish we could just pick up where we left off, and start moving forward again, but life isn’t that simple. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I just know that I’ve never wanted to punch someone and kiss them at the same time so much. To think that he once called me ambivalent. Ha! But when a man tells you you’re clever and intelligent and sexy, you really want to listen to him. He could be telling the truth.

Boomerang? Or maybe, just maybe… to be continued…