chicken

Well now I've gone and done it. I learned something new about myself. Alright, maybe it's not new...because I've been this way for some time. But I haven't realized it so plainly before. It's not something I want for myself, and so I must use this new knowledge as motivation to grow. To face it and own it and do what I can to change it.

I am a chicken.

Yep. I hesitate before facing my fears. I pause before jumping. I can't run full speed into the unknown. I can't just leap without a plan, a map, a prognosis. I hold back.

At some point, I learned to be a chicken, so how do I unlearn it? I'm not sure, but it may require experiments in spontaneity and courage. This could get interesting. Stay tuned...

moving on

 

There's a certain point where rehashing the problems and the blame is just plain crazy. It's never going to be fixed and there's nothing more to be done than to stop, drop, and move on. Don't look back. It's not going to change, I promise.

the silence is so loud

On September 13, 2000, my best friend was born. He weighed exactly 16 ounces and was the second biggest in his litter of 12 chocolate lab puppies. I didn't meet him for another four weeks, and I didn't bring him home to live with me until four weeks after that.

 
Twelve years and nine months later, on June 29, 2013, we said farewell and I stroked his fur for the last time.

I knew my time was limited and I was as prepared to let him go as I could be. And I knew it would hurt and I'd miss him like crazy, and I do. I never thought about how silent the house would be. I didn't realize how it would feel to come home and not have to walk to the back to let him in from whatever place he was napping in the yard. How lonely it would be to not be woken up by a cute little face peeking over the mattress, letting me know that he needed something (a cookie, a restroom break, or just a kiss).


I can get used to sleeping in again. I can get used to the freedom of being able to not go straight home from work or coordinating to make sure someone could take care of him. But the silence? I don't know if I can get used to that.

oh, there you are

A few weeks ago, I made some changes. To my life, this blog, my house and my attitude. I'm happy to say, they all seem to be for the best! How do I know this? Because I just found a friend I didn't realize had skipped town for a while... me.

In the time I have been spending with friends recently, exploring new ideas, trying new adventures and sharing old memories, I have suddenly uncovered some things about myself that I had forgotten. It's refreshing to know that the girl I once was is still hanging around. She has a bright personality, a sharp wit, a kind and compassionate heart, and is brave enough to tell her truth to those who need to hear it. The world is so much more fun with her around.

It's funny; I didn't realize how much I wasn't feeling like myself until I started feeling like me again. I just knew that there was something out of balance, and I figured out what I could change in my life and something I could take proactive action toward fixing, and then I did it. And then I found the next thing I could change that was bugging me, and I changed it. And it's quite possible I'm on a roll.

consequences

“People say that it's the big decisions that are important... that these are the type of issues worthy of prolonged consideration. But no one ever explains how it's the little choices that send your life careening in another direction.”
― Julie Gittus, Saltwater Moons 


I've been thinking about this a lot lately. That the little things you do matter in big ways. You  may not see it for a while, and you may not know which action or decision changed the course, but it all adds up.

For me, this quote is a reminder that the little things we do and say have a direct impact on our lives, our well being, and those of our loved ones. One little act of jealousy can set your relationship on fire, never to recover. Likewise, a friend showing up with your favorite Thai dish when you're sick can plant the seed that grows into love. A small choice, made in an instant, after which you find yourself making new plans for the rest of your life.

a simple cure

not a minute more

‘Do not wonder why things are “taking so long.” In fact, everything is rolling out exactly as it needs to, using not a minute more than perfection requires. Rest easy and be at peace. Life is working its magic even as you take your very next breath.’

-Neale Donald Walsch

Sometimes it's hard to be patient, even when I know it's in my best interests. Like love. It's a bit maddening though, when you know exactly what the end result will be, and it's everything you've dreamed of, and you are so excited for that moment when it becomes real, but you know you can't force the timing. So you sit and wait and pretend not to notice that time is passing. And you go out with friends, and you go out on lame dates, and you laugh and enjoy your life, but you still know deep inside that part of your life is just 'on hold.' Waiting for the moment when your dream comes true.

 

little lies

Is lying a deal breaker in a relationship? How big does a lie have to be before it does irreparable damage? What if they were lying to "protect you from being hurt"? Is staying silent the same as lying?

I have a personal rule for my relationships - no lying. Tell the truth, even if it means a difficult conversation has to happen. If you're in a relationship where you can't tell the truth, can't tell if you're hearing the truth, or that started with a series of lies, such as in an affair, how can you ever really believe in them and feel secure? I don't think you can. You're always looking, always on edge, whether you're the liar or the one being lied to.

I don't lie to those I love, because I know how it feels. I was raised to lead by example and treat others the way I want to be treated. I think a lot of people go around treating people the way they've been treated, and considering how many problems we see with violence and hatred in our culture, that's a nasty spin cycle we've created.

I believe that those I am in relationship with - my family, my friends, my love - are worth the truth. I believe I'm worth it too.

beautiful souls

I just spent the weekend with my best friend and two teenage girls. We flew to Los Angeles where we immediately (an hour or so later) got in the rental car and drove directly to the Pacific Ocean to have a picnic lunch with our feet in the sand, soaking up some sunshine and watching surfers. We spent the next two days covering every inch of Disneyland and California Adventure, filling up our happy tanks, laughing till we cried, walking till we hurt, and riding roller coasters till we screamed. I heard more giggles out of those two girls than I thought possible, until I remembered that I was once a giggling girl myself.

And yet, in the middle of all the excitement and joy, there were bittersweet moments. I couldn't help remembering going through the Haunted Mansion and riding the Matterhorn with Rochelle when we were 15. I thought of friendship often as I was watching the girls, knowing that both of them are seriously struggling with self-esteem, eating disorders and more, in a way that is beyond normal for their age. But their giggles and happiness were real this weekend, of that I am sure. I can only hope that it carries them for a while and shelters them from pain as long as possible.

Although I'm not a parent, my maternal instincts wanted to do everything to make sure they know that they are worthy and loved just for being themselves. That beauty isn't in the clothes they wear, the makeup they sneak on, and in whether they have a tan or not. It's in their soul and it sparkles even when their eyes are sad. It's in the child-like joy of joining in with a Disney character who just asked you to dance on the sidewalk. It's in learning a new way to live after a parent leaves or passes away. It's in the act of volunteering at a cat shelter just because you love cats. It's in giggling and sharing secrets with your best friend, knowing that she's got your back no matter what. It's in the permagrin that comes from riding a roller coaster that made you feel like a kid. These girls have beauty that cannot be contained, I just wish they could see what I see and trust in themselves.

boomerang

When I was a kid and a friend's dad brought back authentic boomerangs from a trip to Australia, we all ran over to the baseball field to practice. He showed us how to throw them - and his always sailed out confidently in a perfect spin, coming right back to him time and time again. We were much less successful. Mine would go out and maybe start to turn back before getting distracted and falling to earth with a thud and a cloud of dust. We tried all summer to master the art of the boomerang.

Oh boy, here we go again!

I've done my share of dating in the last year or two. Meeting guys at the dog park, online, out dancing with friends, and even speed dating. Some were funny, some were kinda weird, some kind of forgettable and uninteresting. Some led to second dates and more, and some never called again. A handful of men stood out for one reason or another. The ones I actually liked. The ones I daydreamed about afterward. The ones who made my heart flutter. Ha! I really gotta figure out the difference between flutter and indigestion!

And then, for one reason or another, they all ended. In some cases, I chose not to continue dating them. "A" was too attached and wanted too much from our relationship too soon. "J" lied to me about too many things, and was also a little pushy. With "E" I went 3 hours out of my way to spend a very special night with him and got stood up, and a little heart broken. With "R" I made an insecure sarcastic comment at the wrong time and a man I'd dreamed of being close to was gone without another word. "S" met someone else at a party - but had the decency and kindness to tell me honestly before we got too serious - and we both walked away peacefully.

I know, that's not all of them who matter, but I'm not ready to talk about those I've left out yet. Some of my stories haven't ended, are just beginning, or are still too painful. After all, we're talking about my heart here. I may joke around, but I am still just a girl looking for love.

The thing is, while all those relationships ended or fizzled out, I've been practicing one rule. To be true to myself. To know what I need, what I want, to be fully my sarcastic, silly, sensitive self. At least this way, I know that if someone walks away, they are walking away from the real me, not someone I pretended to be. And if I push them away, it's because I know they aren't right for me in some way. So I don't regret what I've learned or how I've learned it. I've been truthful and direct with each one about my reasons for moving on.

Then, last week happened. Two of the guys I've moved on from came back around. Wanted to try again. Like a boomerang. Didn't "E" hear me when I said "you won't get another chance to hurt me like that" when he called to explain why he stood me up? And "S" is just feeling the water - am I still interested in being friends? That led to an interesting conversation about what "friends" means. Apparently, we're allowed to go out for ice cream and beer and watch tv sometimes. Oh, and we get to tell jokes and laugh, but no flirting is allowed. And then he proceeded to flirt like it was going out of style. Dang he's cute!

Is this normal male behavior, or does this just happen to me? Apparently, pushing men away with honesty and integrity actually draws them back like a boomerang. Who knew?

beginnings

Happy New Year!

I spent a quiet night alone for New Year's. It wasn't what I had planned, but the weather conspired to change my plans. Instead of dancing the night away with friends, we all stayed off the icy roads. I watched a movie, finished a book, and spent a cozy evening cuddled up with the fur kids.

A mellow start to the year doesn't mean I'm getting soft. There are shenanigans and plans on the horizon! A night of rest was actually a good thing.

I'm looking forward to quality time with Tammy this week. I'll also get to see the "sponge" girls and families. I'm sure my sides will hurt from laughing and my heart will be full of smiles and love.

May your new year be happy and bright!

resolution

As the year winds down, and a new year peeks over the horizon, I can't help but think about what the coming year will bring to me. And what it will require of me.

I don't really make new year's resolutions; or at least I don't call them that. But as I reflect on my hopes and dreams for the next 12 months, I usually find my thoughts centering on a few themes from year to year. That often leads me to a word or phrase that becomes my touchstone for the next year. Something to remind me of the path I chose when I get lost, something to bolster my spirits when I feel low. Over the years my words and phrases have been things like "leap" "heal" and "no room for fear."

As 2013 comes along, I find that this year is no different. When I started thinking about what my word might be, it came to me clear and bright like the stars on a crystal clear night.

Resolve.

My own personal reminder to be determined, be deliberate, be strong and steady. To stick to my guns, stand up for myself. To not allow others to harass or intimidate me. 

What are your plans for the new year? Any hopes and dreams on the horizon?

fill 'er up

I've noticed a common thread in my conversations with friends and loved ones in the last week or so - trust. It still strikes me a little funny that they all think the single girl is good for relationship advice, but, hey, I'll give it a shot.

The truth is I've struggled quite a bit with trusting men after being cheated on in past relationships. So, I'm not quick to let my guard down and make myself vulnerable to being hurt. But just because someone in my past hurt me doesn't mean the next guy will. I have to remind myself of that sometimes in order to give a new relationship a chance. While still listening to my intuition, of course!

Some people treat trust like it's a thing. Not me. In my world, trust is a verb. It is an action, a choice I make each and every day. When it's been broken, the choice is harder. In fact, in my experience, it's pretty much the end of the relationship. When your partner doesn't trust you, can you really move past that? Can you fully love someone who doesn't believe in you? I can't. Feeling my partner's support and trust is vital to me in order to feel loved. I would almost say that trust is one of the best ways a man can show me he loves me, because then I know I'm getting to see the real person, the vulnerable and lovable man.

The only flaw in the car analogy above is that cars only have one gas tank. Relationships have two trust tanks, one for you and one for them. You're either filling up the gas tanks of your relationship with trust, or you're siphoning it out. You give trust to your loved one in your actions and words all day every day. You can add gas to the tank of trust by honoring your loved one's freedom, individuality, friendship, and time. And you can take gas out of the tank with every undeserved, jealous or insecure question or comment about how they spend their time or peek at their email or phone, and other invasions of privacy.

Some people believe jealousy is a sign of love. Real love involves trust and communication, not accusations and snooping. Signs you have a problem with jealousy include:
-- Calling your partner multiple times to check up
-- Becoming overly upset when your partner is unavailable
-- Feeling compelled to track your partner's every minute of time
-- Feeling tempted to flirt with others just to "show" a supposedly cheating partner
-- Interpreting a partner's fatigue, illness, or distraction as a sign that you are not loved
-- Compulsions to snoop into a partner's e-mail, cell phone records or other private communications

source

The tricky thing about trust is that it's totally up to you. You choose how much trust to put in your relationship's gas tank. I'm not saying you should place trust in a tank that has a big ol' leak and doesn't deserve it. Some guys (or girls) aren't ever going to be worthy of your trust, and you should walk away. Just remember you both have a gas tank to fill. You can fill his up by trusting him, but if he's not filling yours and trusting you, you still aren't getting anywhere.

I plan on going places with my full tanks of gas! Fill 'er up!

friendsday

There is something about sharing a meal with friends that makes my heart sing. Sitting together, reconnecting, sharing the ups and downs of the last few weeks, feeling listened to, gaining perspective from another point of view and sharing my thoughts with them.

I had such a meal today. With a friend I don't see as often as I'd like. Their situation is complicated and they aren't able to spend time with me, or any friends, like they used to.

So when we get a few golden moments and can actually share the same space for a time, it's extra special these days. And as I sit and reflect on my day...I can hear my heart singing a little tune. It might be Wednesday to the rest of the world, but to me it's friendsday.

say when

"Say when." My brother was pouring me a glass of Kool-aid.

"Ok, that's enough. You can stop now." I said.

And then my glass over flowed and I got ticked!

"But you didn't say 'when'!" He explained, after I screamed at him as only a little sister can do.

In other words, I didn't use the magic combination of words that would actually make him stop pouring. I said I had enough. He could stop. I gave all the clues that my glass was full enough. But I failed to use the one that actually meant stop to him.

Yes, it was a trick we played on each other as children, and we'd probably still do it today. But I can't help but wonder if that's how some people live their lives as adults. Have some people never outgrown this childish behavior? If you didn't say it just the way I wanted you to, you didn't really mean it, so I can keep bugging you? So, if you ask them to stop interfering in your life, and they continue even after you ask them to leave you alone, what's the magic word? Hopefully there's a kinder, gentler one than "restraining order."

So I'm putting it out there - for those who've been trying to complicate my life and my relationships lately. Stop. I've had enough. When.

single is not a disease

Being single is not a disease. There aren't any symptoms. I get irritated with those who assume that single = unhappy. Being attached does not necessarily make someone happy. They aren't related. I’ve learned that having a happy and full life is about me, knowing myself inside and out, and making choices that are good for me emotionally. I have to do that whether I am single or attached.

Why do people act as if there is something wrong with being single. Like there’s no possible way you can live life without a boyfriend, so I must go out and find one now. Really? So when we go to happy hour and you spend the whole time complaining about how your boyfriend or husband was

a) acting jealous
b) doesn’t trust you when you spend time with your friends
c) spent money he shouldn’t have
d) possibly or actually cheated on you
e) accused you of cheating on him
f) doesn’t like your family
g) acted pissy because you wanted to watch a different show
h) got mad because you didn’t clean up after him
i) criticized your choice of wardrobe/job/home décor/spending habits…

are those the signs of a happy and fulfilled life? That’s what I’m missing out on? I’m not missing much, in my opinion.

I know. Not all guys are like that. Not all relationships are energy drains. I have friends who are in happy and healthy relationships, full of respect and love for each other, who communicate with each other and both compromise when needed. I admire them, and they are the benchmark for the type of relationship I want. That benchmark is the reason I hold out for a good man and don’t settle.

And in the meantime, I’m just going to keep on being happy.

I believe

monday motivation - control your own destiny

a few thoughts on writing this blog

Sometimes I wonder who is reading the words I write – I know a couple of you, but not many. I'm always surprised when I look at the stat counter and see how many people have read different posts. I really haven’t told many of my friends and family about this blog. I know that seems counterproductive to growing readership, but so far I think it’s for the best. I haven't hidden it, but I haven't gone out on a self-promotion campaign either.

Someone told me the other day that I am wise. And they weren’t being sarcastic. The best part is that this someone is new in my life. It’s not someone who knows firsthand the heartache I’ve lived with, the pain that’s made me who I am. It’s sweet and flattering to know that he appreciates my perspective on life. And it’s reaffirming to know that my stories have touched someone else’s heart, that the lessons I’ve learned are helpful for someone else.

In general, I’ve found it easier not being aware of who is reading – because I don’t feel the pressure to edit or censor myself. I want to allow myself to be completely honest. I know my own self well enough to know I’d choose different words or filter my stories if I knew certain friends or family members were reading this. I also know that those closest to me would be supportive, they’d comment and encourage and be my cheerleaders, but they do that no matter what I do. I do try not to be disrespectful to those who could someday read my words and recognize themselves here, but my goal is for this blog to reach people who need it. I’m writing from my heart, and I hope it touches yours. Whether you’re someone I already know or not – I’m glad you are here, and I hope you say hi!

an exotic evening

I had a chance to see an advance screening of a new movie last night. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. A most excellent movie. Amazingly full of the stuff of life. Go see it. I can't even pick a favorite character - the casting was spot-on, and each person's story was a brilliant part of the symphony. Just go see it. I'm no movie critic - but this is funny and sad and serious and sweet all at once.

And it's full of little quote gems, like "It will all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." And, "I'm single by choice, just not my choice."

p.s. Judy Densch's character was my favorite. I think.