lifetime friends

Today is a special day. It's a celebration of lifetime friendships and birthdays.

In 7th and 8th grade, I was... well, ok let's be honest... I was a nerd. I was the girl who went from a small private school where my 6th grade class had 12 students to a junior high with 300+ in my grade alone. To say there was an adjustment is the understatement of the century. I didn't have the coolest clothes, I wore glasses, I always felt chubby, my crazy hair wouldn't behave and it was 1983 so I got a perm. I was in all the advanced classes with students who would later go to work for NASA. Literally, I hung out with rocket scientists. And to top it off... puberty. Oh the joys of growing hair and breasts and hormones going crazy. How did we ever survive?

I know how. In the midst of all that, I found my tribe. The other girls who were struggling to fit in, to find themselves. We sat together at lunch and we talked about life, and somehow we forged friendships that would last decades. And that tribe included the wonderful Roxann and Kendra. Twins who couldn't be more different on the inside but who balance each other and are truly two of the best friends ever. The things we've each had to live with and endure in our lives have run the full spectrum. From a girl who ran away at age 15 and lived on the streets for months, to the single mom who found her prince charming only to have him taken from her in an instant, to little ol' me and my path to and from love.

We met over 30 years ago. There is something extremely comforting in being friends with someone who has known you that long. When I have a shitty day, I don't have to explain myself and why I'm feeling that way. They get it. They know how my heart and mind work.

But... a lifetime friendship doesn't necessarily have to start when you're 12. I mean, look at Julie... I've known her maybe a decade. It's her birthday too. And she's one of my dearest friends ever. We went through hell at work together, and learned how to laugh through the pain of a horrible boss. Even though she approaches life with her own unique set of filters that are completely different than mine - we are the best of friends. Yin and Yang.

To Kendra, Roxann and Julie - may your birthday be as happy as your friendship has made me all these years. Salut!

wise word wednesday

Since I missed motivation Monday... here's a little wise word for Wednesday instead.

The other night, we were looking at some boudoir photos that one of my besties just had done for her upcoming 10th anniversary. One of the girls made a comment about how amazing she looked, and that as women, we should all be able to embrace our bodies and love ourselves without fear of judgment. I believe her words were along the lines of - our bodies are amazing, we make babies for pete's sake, and we should celebrate that every day.

I agree. I think we should spend more time loving ourselves. Knowing who you are inside and out and loving yourself not in spite of your imperfections, but simply with your imperfections. Unconditional love. The outside world does enough to shame women (and men) into feeling less than enough. Don't you start doing it to yourself too.

monday motivation - the key to me?

 

 Or... is it...

the key to me = happiness? 

No matter what seems to be heading my way (this last weekend was difficult to say the least), I can still honestly and truly say that I am in a happy place. Dealing will illnesses, unexpected expenses, stress and loss has taken a toll, but because I have an amazing group of friends and family, I have been supported and loved through the chaos and upheaval. And that makes all the difference. It's true that crisis amplifies emotions and brings out people's true character, for the good or the bad. Friendships that had been strained are healed and strong again. Trust is growing among those I love, and relationships are getting healthier. 

Being happy does not happen by chance. It happens by choice. I choose to look for the good in the world. I choose to surround myself with people who lighten my load and make my heart feel fuller. Happiness happens when I focus on moving forward through hard times, when I don't allow myself to get stuck, when I empower myself to make choices from the heart, even if others may not think it's the right thing to do. And when I do that, when I allow and encourage happiness in myself and others, I feel truly and authentically like myself. 

That is about as motivating as motivation can get. To be myself. 

vintage

I love me some vintage furniture. Rambling around my favorite vintage store today with a friend, we found some great finds. Things that have a history, a story, show their use and love and are built of quality material have always appealed to me.

When it comes to relationships, I appreciate certain vintage traits as well. I enjoy a man who is made of quality, who has character and personality, who stands the test of time. Sure, we all have quirks, and different things appeal to different people. I prefer a more rustic vintage than hipster. Clean cut more than shabby. I go for sporty over sophisticated, and relaxed over formal. Pet friendly and easy to live with. And I don't want someone pretending to be a vintage that he's not. He has to be true and honestly the vintage I'm looking for, not a wannabe or faker.

After all, I'd hate to invest in that really amazing looking enamel table, and after it's made it's way into the heart of my home, find out it was made in China two years ago and lied to me about it's authenticity. I'd never be able to enjoy a meal there again, knowing it had cheated me from the very beginning.

So, I left the table at the store. Let it cheat someone else. This girl is extremely happy with her new rack anyway. Pot rack that is. I'm pretty sure he can hang with the best of them!

it's like a sneeze

This isn't a real post. But since I don't have real readers that doesn't matter. Whose blog is this anyway? Oh yeah, it's mine, and I get to celebrate my fun friends whenever and however I want. So from one home fry to another - I found this text conversation saved in my phone the other day:


E: My coworkers want a warning before I sneeze so they can prepare for the loudness. :)

S: Ha! that's like asking me to warn people before I say something brilliant. Sometimes you can't. It just happens. 

E: You crack me up home fry!

S: Achoo.


Told you it wasn't a real post. Next time maybe you'll believe me.

when the sun goes down

Not long ago, one of my dearest friends said to me, "Did you ever notice how much of our friendship happens in the dark of night?"

It's true. While we've spent plenty of time together in daylight, some of the most memorable and true moments in our friendship over the years have happened after the sun has set. There have been late nights, early mornings, and sometimes all nights. By ourselves or with friends, staying up and talking about love and loss, goofing off and laughing till our sides ache. Soaking in a hot tub under the stars, lying in the cool grass on a summer night, snowball fights, and movie marathons all seem more exciting and adventurous in the dark. And our truths are so much easier to tell then too. It's easier to let your tears flow, drop your guard and be humble with each other.

I always look forward to these late night adventures, because they don't happen every day or every week. They are special and magical and happy and full of laughter and love, just like our friendship. It's about time we planned another one, don't you think, old friend?

first sign of spring

This little guy is the first in my yard to stretch open and welcome a new season!


As usual, the first daffodils remind me of a girls road trip during spring break many years ago. I'll never forget the laughter and joy that radiated from that car full of girls. May it cheer you up and remind you that it's time for new beginnings.



I

beginnings

Happy New Year!

I spent a quiet night alone for New Year's. It wasn't what I had planned, but the weather conspired to change my plans. Instead of dancing the night away with friends, we all stayed off the icy roads. I watched a movie, finished a book, and spent a cozy evening cuddled up with the fur kids.

A mellow start to the year doesn't mean I'm getting soft. There are shenanigans and plans on the horizon! A night of rest was actually a good thing.

I'm looking forward to quality time with Tammy this week. I'll also get to see the "sponge" girls and families. I'm sure my sides will hurt from laughing and my heart will be full of smiles and love.

May your new year be happy and bright!

frolicking friend friday

I have had a rough week. Work is stressful right now. There are things in my personal life causing me stress and distress too, so I've spent 3 out of the last 5 nights with serious insomnia. Then, one of my best friends stopped by at lunch today. And reminded me how much I need my friends when I'm struggling. Just spending a little time chatting and enjoying each others company was all I needed to boost my spirits, remind me to try to look for the positive in what I'm facing, and then relax and have some fun too!

After lunch, I spent the afternoon playing with other friends and family - laughing on the phone with E-man and goofing off with dog park buddies. As the day went on, I could feel myself unwinding even more.

Yes, frolicking friend friday was exactly what I needed!

coffee boys

I’m lucky to have the flexibility to work from home a couple days a week. It’s so nice to not have to worry about how long my commute will be, knowing my pets don’t have to stay inside or outside for the entire day in whatever elements the Pacific Northwest is showing us this week, and have more time to get a run in, have lunch with one of my besties, and still catch a few extra minutes of sleep.

It’s not all sunshine and daisies though. My work is in communications, and I am by nature a social person. I live alone, so spending more time in my home can be a little isolating. At first, I found myself procrastinating more, and I was stumped as to why I was being less productive with more time on my hands, and then I realized three things:

1. I really do function better with a cup of coffee in the morning, which is tied to the discovery that I also make terrible coffee. It’s much better when I leave it to the experts.


2. It’s easier to start crossing things off my list after I’ve gotten ready for the day. If I log in and start working while I’m still in my PJ’s my energy never kicks in.


3. I need a little social interaction with other people at least sometime during the day.

And that brings me to my mornings with the coffee boys. I changed up my morning routine on my work at home days by making sure I take time for a shower and breakfast before my day begins, and then start my day at a coffee shop close by. I work for an hour or so while savoring my cup o’ joe. Wham! All three things are checked off to help my day start out productive.

Over the last few months, as I’ve settled into this routine, I’ve noticed a few guys who are usually at the coffee shop at the same time. I'm pretty sure they work in construction. There's usually just two of them, but occasionally a third joins them, always at  the table smack dab in the middle of the shop.  They’re about my age, a couple of solid, manly guys. You can also tell they’ve been friends longer than many marriages last. They laugh easily and it’s easy to smile at the way they joke around with each other.

As the weeks go by, we've started joking around with each other, with the staff, and with the other regular group that's there, "the grandpas." It's fun and lighthearted, and I really look forward to my mornings with the coffee boys. They notice and comment if I miss a day because of a meeting in Portland, or if one of us is missing for a week of vacation. Starting the morning with my friends is becoming my favorite part of working from home.

Except for Tank Top Tuesdays... those are just awesome from start to finish!

silver and gold

On a brisk fall day, in 1983, two young girls started 7th grade and joined the band. Who would have predicted that 29 years later, those two would still be friends (and band nerds at heart)? How do you know when someone walks into your life that they will forever change you, and will be a defining factor in who you become?

Thank you, my dearest friend for always being a friend. I simply cannot imagine what my world would be like if I hadn't known you. You bring sunshine to the people in your life, and your optimism and love is contagious. I admire the strength and grace with which you face your days.

And yesterday, when I heard your voice, strong and clear, knowing you were once again breathing the air that can only be found in Northwest, my troubled heart was happy. Happy to hear you sounding strong, setting down new roots and standing up tall for yourself. And when you helped me see the silver lining in the dark clouds that came at me this week, I couldn't help but cherish my best friend even more. And now, I'm looking forward to the end of the storm!

On this day, I'd like to propose a toast to our friendship. There's a song we used to sing in Girls Scouts that says, "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold." Shauna, you are gold.

friendsday

There is something about sharing a meal with friends that makes my heart sing. Sitting together, reconnecting, sharing the ups and downs of the last few weeks, feeling listened to, gaining perspective from another point of view and sharing my thoughts with them.

I had such a meal today. With a friend I don't see as often as I'd like. Their situation is complicated and they aren't able to spend time with me, or any friends, like they used to.

So when we get a few golden moments and can actually share the same space for a time, it's extra special these days. And as I sit and reflect on my day...I can hear my heart singing a little tune. It might be Wednesday to the rest of the world, but to me it's friendsday.

single is not a disease

Being single is not a disease. There aren't any symptoms. I get irritated with those who assume that single = unhappy. Being attached does not necessarily make someone happy. They aren't related. I’ve learned that having a happy and full life is about me, knowing myself inside and out, and making choices that are good for me emotionally. I have to do that whether I am single or attached.

Why do people act as if there is something wrong with being single. Like there’s no possible way you can live life without a boyfriend, so I must go out and find one now. Really? So when we go to happy hour and you spend the whole time complaining about how your boyfriend or husband was

a) acting jealous
b) doesn’t trust you when you spend time with your friends
c) spent money he shouldn’t have
d) possibly or actually cheated on you
e) accused you of cheating on him
f) doesn’t like your family
g) acted pissy because you wanted to watch a different show
h) got mad because you didn’t clean up after him
i) criticized your choice of wardrobe/job/home décor/spending habits…

are those the signs of a happy and fulfilled life? That’s what I’m missing out on? I’m not missing much, in my opinion.

I know. Not all guys are like that. Not all relationships are energy drains. I have friends who are in happy and healthy relationships, full of respect and love for each other, who communicate with each other and both compromise when needed. I admire them, and they are the benchmark for the type of relationship I want. That benchmark is the reason I hold out for a good man and don’t settle.

And in the meantime, I’m just going to keep on being happy.

happy birthday

Today is Rochelle's birthday. Once upon a time it was one of my favorite days of the year. Now it's a bittersweet day full of tears and just the memories of celebrations past.



In 2009, on the first of Rochelle's birthdays after she passed away, Shauna and I had a virtual best friends date across the miles. We picked a movie that was a little lighthearted, and one that Rochelle would have wanted to see (My Life in Ruins). Then, at approximately the same time - our time zones are two hours apart - we went to the movie. Since mine was the later start, as soon as I got out of the theater, I called Shauna. We laughed, we cried, and then we cried some more. It was a day of survival, more than celebration. Our grief was still too fresh during that year of firsts to feel much of anything but pain that day.

The next year, feeling a little stronger, I had started running, and in honor of my best friend, I ran the 5K Starlight run on her birthday. The Starlight run is a race along the parade route right before the nighttime parade that is one of the signature events of Portland's Rose Festival. Back in 1986, Rochelle, Shauna, and I were all part of the marching band and we'd come to Portland and performed in that parade. I wore a birthday cake tiara, shorts honoring my high school alma mater and professing my band nerd status, and a shirt honoring Rochelle as well. After the run, we watched some of the parade then went out to eat and drink with some of my closest friends and my mom. It was a good way to celebrate Rochelle that year!



Last year was a quieter, more subdued celebration. I was in California, not far from where Rochelle lived until she was 8 or so. My nephew's birthday is the day before Rochelle's, so I was celebrating with him. For his day, we had a lot of cupcakes and a party at a gymnastics center. The next day, Rochelle's birthday, we went to see the Giants game and spent some time in San Francisco. It was a fun day, and spending time with my brother and family was wonderful. I think Rochelle would have been happy to see that day.

This year has been rough on me emotionally, with new grief coming my way and relationship challenges with various people in my life. My support team has also shrunk a little. One of my best friends, someone who has been a part of my life for years, isn't able to be there for me this time around. So that sucks. For Rochelle's birthday, I don't have anything in particular planned. Well that's not entirely true. I have a bag of orange slices (her favorite candy) and ice cream. I have copies of Pretty Woman, Steel Magnolias, Top Gun, and Beaches (some of our favorite movies). I have a playlist set up with the songs of our friendship (everything from ABBA to Madonna to Enya). Anyone want to join me for a sentimental movie fest and sugar high? Bonus points if you can sing every song of the soundtracks to those movies. I hate to sing alone.

Happy birthday my dear friend Rochelle. I miss you more than I can ever say. You will always be my very best friend.

by and by

After spending a couple hours with a close friend a few evenings ago, I left for home feeling more content and peaceful than I had in days. I'd had a rough couple of days and my heart was feeling a little torn up, so it was comforting to just sit and be with my friend for a little while.  Back at home, as I was settling in for the night, I put on one of my favorite albums and it wasn't long before my favorite song came up to the plate. As I nodded off with these words in the background, I couldn't help but think of how true this is for our friendship. And for that I am ever thankful.

By and By

~Brett Dennen

Listen close, as close as I am to you
like the bell of liberty I'll ring a sound that's true
days go by and seasons too
in time our love may digress with the words we can renew

I tell you that I
I love you by and by
I don't know if I'd survive
without a friend like you in my life

and I know words can be the worst to purvey
how it is I feel for you it's hard for me to say
but if we keep it simple I think it's better that way
tangled words tend to lead my messages astray

I tell you that I
I love you by and by
and I don't know if I'd survive
without a friend like you in my life

this web we weave holds us hand in hand
and if we loosen our grips we may weaken these strands
so let us reinforce our love and let it echo through the land
if we don't we may find ourselves washed up with the sand

I tell you that I
I love you by and by
and I don't know if I'd survive
without a friend like you in my life

unconditional love

Today, I can't help but think about the one who loves me like no one else ever will. There is never any judgment in his eyes. He is always happy to see me, he sits with me when I need a snuggle, and he is goofy when I want a giggle. He'll do just about anything to make me smile. He is simply the best thing that has ever happened to me. He's the reason I had to put a child proof lock on the fridge and I don't even have children. He's insanely smart and stubborn and I love him more than life sometimes.

I'm taking my boy Porter in for a surgery he shouldn't have to have. A month ago, I took him in to have two tumors/growths removed. One on his eye, and the other on his right shoulder. There was an error, and they took off a growth on his left shoulder instead. I'm a little nervous about putting him under anesthesia again, since he's an old boy now. But they've assured me he is healthy and strong enough, and there is still that weird tumor on his right shoulder, so here we go.

UPDATE - Mr. Porter is home. It was a rough night though. He wasn't eating or drinking, and is moving pretty slow. He's eaten breakfast now, so that's good, but I feel so bad for the poor baby.

triumph

A few days ago, I read this post. Apparently, it was just what I needed at the time too. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, trying to figure out why I'm feeling "stuck" again in this path through grief so I can do something about it. I tend to get insomnia when I'm stressed or working through a tough spot, and my sleep pattern has been completely shot lately.

When Holly died last fall, I knew it was ripping open the wounds that had started to heal over Rochelle's passing. It sucked. There's no way of sugar coating it. I wasn't just grieving one loss, I was re-grieving an older one at the same time. Even when you understand grief, when you've walked this road, and you know what to expect, it can still send you for a spin.

As I read Jennifer's story and insights, I had a few new insights myself. Perhaps that was all I needed, a little sample of someone else's perspective, to help me realize fully that I have more grief work ahead of me and I'd better get to it if I want my life to keep moving in the direction I've chosen. Not that I haven't been doing any, but in some respects I have been trying to just move on instead of moving through. And it's those things that I need to pay attention to.

Since the day I read this, something has shifted. I'm feeling a little raw, a little sensitive, and at the same time hopeful and grateful. Spending time with a dear friend yesterday helped tremendously. A little laughter, serious discussions, tears and some hugs, and I slept like a dream last night. Thank you Tammy - you are just as amazing and strong as you think I am. Here's to many more years of cookie butter and smiles!

what's on your list

The last summer of Rochelle's life is hard to recall in detail. There was an awkward rhythm in my life, of attempting to maintaining a sense of normalcy in my home life while juggling trips to the hospital at lunch or after work nearly every day. At the end of the day, there wasn't a lot of time for me. My house and pets suffered, my work suffered, and my soul was taking a beating. Looking back, I know I was just in survival mode, but the specifics of that time in my life are muddled and blurry.

Since I was a little girl, I've always loved to read. I started when I was about four, and never stopped. When my mom came to pick me up from day care when I was five, I was reading stories to the other kids. There's a comfort and solace that reading brings me, letting my brain settle into a story, and lessening my worries of the day for a few minutes. Even if I just get a few minutes of reading in, it helps the day feel complete.

I read several books over the course of those weeks between early July and October. It's only now, looking back that I see the common themes and threads of cancer, friendships, and the process of dying that they shared, and realize how much they helped me process all the fears and emotions that came along with Rochelle's cancer and death.

In one of the books I read that summer, a character was battling cancer. She had retreated to her childhood summer home on the beach with her sister and her best friend, and the things that each of them were facing in their lives and relationships followed them there. One passage in the book keeps coming back to me, even now, years later. The main character, as she found out that she had cancer, was a master list maker. But the day of her diagnosis all her lists disappeared. From that day forward, there were really only two lists in her world. The list of things that no longer matter, and the list of things that matter.

The list of things that no longer matter.

The moment your priorities change and your world becomes so simple and so difficult in the same breath. When you hear the word, "cancer." And weeks later, when you are laying next to your best friend, whispering to her that it's okay to let go and leave the pain of this world behind, just hours before she does.

In the years since Rochelle passed away, when life's troubles start to weigh me down again, when my job gets a little stressful, when people I don't care about say mean things to me, I ask myself, "Does this matter?" The answer is almost always no. The typo, the mucked up address file, the name-calling psycho don't matter. They all go on the list of things that no longer matter. Every time. In the totality of my life, these things do not matter. They do not get to suck up my energy and steal my happiness.

The list of things that matter to me is a short and sweet list, and it doesn't have actual "things" on it. It's simply a list of my people. It's love and laughter, peace and contentment, memories made and memories still to come. That's all I need. What's on your list?

re-kindred spirits

You know when you meet someone and you instantly know that you're destined to be friends? That spark of connection between kindred spirits? What a great feeling! To know that someone else in this world "gets" you, and your quirky sense of humor. When you're sitting on the tailgate, eating ice cream cones and telling life stories a few days after meeting, you can't deny the bond that is already formed.

I've been lucky to have a number of friendships that started this way. But even better, I've had old friendships renewed this way. I've always taken friendship (and fun) seriously. But some of those friendships fade over time. We grow up, move away, get married (or not), have kids (or not), careers, houses, illnesses, divorces, heart break. Sometimes, someone or something else is responsible for the interruption in your friendship. Life just happens. A week without talking turns into a month, then a few months... and pretty soon it's been years.

I know I was better prepared than most for losing my best friend, Rochelle. I had 20 years to get used to the idea that I would outlive her. That didn't make it easier, but it did mean that I never, ever, not even once took our friendship for granted. Sure, it helped that we were kindred spirits, so we got along like peanut butter and chocolate. And whenever musketeer #3, Shauna was around, it was more like peanut butter, chocolate, and bananas. I'm not saying Shauna is bananas... oh who am I kidding? That girl is hilarious and funny as only slipping on banana peels can be. (Love you girl!)

I've come to realize that Rochelle left behind some really interesting gifts for me. One of the most remarkable to me is one that keeps appearing when I least expect it. That is the gift of rekindling friendships with those who I have considered kindred spirits. Or, as I might call them, re-kindred spirits! The chance to reconnect after a 2, 5, 15, or 20 year lapse in regular communication. I'm not just talking about catching up on the facts and statistics of our lives, but really reconnecting. Confirming once again, that the spirit is stronger than time and distance. That love, friendship and trust can survive and blossom again. Within minutes of seeing my twin best friends, Kendra and Roxann from 8th grade (after more than 20 years had passed), we were once again sharing stories that are reserved for those closest to our hearts - the ones that are bittersweet or painful. That's the beautiful thing about re-kindred spirits - you already know you can trust them to protect your heart!

In the 3+ years that have passed since Rochelle died, I have lost count of the friends who I've reconnected with. I'm sure she's sending them my way, and I'm grateful for that. She's that sort of friend, even in heaven. It's nice to know she still watches out for me, and sends me old friends to remind me that friendships do last lifetimes.

And I'm also finding that there really is more room in my once-broken heart. Room for new friends, old friends and especially re-kindred spirit friends.

first class relationship

Recently, I had a rare conversation with my best friend who has three small children. It was rare because she is never alone and can’t always talk freely without someone overhearing. I can’t imagine that she gets much privacy on a regular basis. It was also rare because we were both so honest about what was happening in our lives. There are few people in the world I trust with those conversations, and she is at the top of the list.

Part of the conversation included catching up on a recent trip they’d taken. Her husband had made the travel arrangements. He travels frequently and gets upgraded to first class automatically. When they got to the airport, instead of asking for both of them to be upgraded, he took his first class seat and let his wife sit in coach with an empty seat beside her. By the way, the difference between their seats was about five rows. She could see him the entire flight. While this isn’t terribly surprising to those of us who know him (he can be a bit self-centered), this did hit a new threshold of rudeness. At one point she said, “maybe I’m just a visual learner, but it was a clear picture of how he treats our entire relationship. He’ll never see me on the same level as him.”

The honesty of that statement took us both by surprise. The bell of truth certainly rings a pure clean sound. And, as we both laughed at the craziness of the scenario like you’d laugh at a sitcom (I can see Valerie Bertinelli playing her perfectly!), the fact is, she was right. That made me a little sad, because of all she’s been through in their marriage. And so, I offered her these words of encouragement:

I wish for you to know, once and for all, that you are worthy. Worthy of love and honor. Worthy of trust and devotion. I wish for you to know that taking care of yourself is the first priority and when you do that, your children will grow up to be as self-sufficient, loving, giving and understanding as you are. I wish for you to know the difference between being a nice person and being a doormat. To feel the joy of a pure and accepting love, without conditions, control, judgment or violations of your privacy. To know the freedom that complete trust in your partner can bring. To know that simply being yourself is all that you need to do. I wish for you to know that as your friend, I will be your champion and I will remind you of these things from now to the end of time.

Finally, I wish for you to find someone who adores and accepts you for who you are. How do you know when you’ve found that? He won’t sit in first class while you’re sitting in coach. I wish this for you. And I wish it for all my friends.