Monday, September 30, 2013

monday merriment

As I get ready for another possibly slightly busy and crazy work week... I need a little wordy pick me up to put me in the right frame of mind to keep my spirit light... This will do.


Sunday, September 29, 2013

how can you mend a broken heart

A few weeks ago, my heart broke wide open once again.

During a short but long overdue visit with Mary and Rohn, I learned a few things that both infuriate me and break my heart at the same time.

I remember that day in October 2008, when I laid on the bed next to Rochelle, just a few hours before she passed away. She was struggling to talk, and was unable to. I held her hand and laid my head on her shoulder and told her to rest, that it was okay. I told her that I'd help make sure that her son was taken care of, that he'd never forget his mother, and that he would always feel loved.

And now I feel like I've let her down.

A ten year old boy without a mom, whose new stepmother doesn't hug him, cuddle him or love him the same as her own child. A boy who needs affection and an encouraging voice. He looks so much like his mother, and he has her infectious spirit, her playful mischievous laugh, and her sense of humor. As my birthday twin, he and I share a special bond. I love that kid more than I have words for.

So, how is it that he has come to live in a home that doesn't encourage him to remember her, that tolerates but doesn't help him deal with his grief? How can someone look at this child and not feel his loneliness and want to ease it?

In a tolerant and patient and forgiving moment, I can almost understand why it's easier for Dave to let go of Rochelle's memory than to actively help Rohn remember, and how Jeannie might feel insecure with the ghost of her new husband's first wife hanging around. But then I see Rohn and I want to kick both of their asses. To not include Dave and Rohn's whole family in their wedding? To treat Frank and Mary like they haven't been Dave's other set of parents, let alone friends for all these years? To hear Mary tell me that she feels as though she's not only lost her daughter, but now a son as well just made me want to scream.

As for me, I just get a cold shoulder and a "your best time to see Rohn is when he's with Mary" when I contact Dave. He doesn't say it out loud, but I got the message. I'm no longer welcome as a part of his and Rohn's life. That hurts. But not as much as what that message and attitude are going to do to Rohn as he grows up.

I want so much to believe that Dave picked someone who is good for him and who will be good to Rohn. After all, he picked Rochelle, and look at how good they were for each other. I'm just not seeing that in his new relationship. And that pisses me off. Rohn deserves better. Dave deserves better.

I'm not used to feeling anger like this. It's not a natural feeling for me to be pissed off. I'm the one who finds the even ground and makes her way through life as peacefully as possible. Not that I don't rock the boat, I just don't do it in the heat of the moment. When that feeling of anger and (hard to admit) even momentary hatred came bubbling up while standing in the parking lot talking to Mary, it caught me by surprise. Later, as I was retelling the story to my sponge girls, the same feeling choked me up and it's been haunting me for the last few weeks.

Anger. It's part of the grief process, I know. I just haven't experienced it like this yet, so I'm not totally sure how to deal with it. I know it's a valuable emotion and I recognize that I need to allow this part of the grief process to run its course, and that eventually I'll find a way to focus and channel the emotions in a way that is helpful.

I just keep wondering who is going to teach Rohn how to deal with his emotions and grief in a productive way. Who will mend his broken heart?

Friday, September 27, 2013

don't knock me down

This was my week:

Yep. One problem after another. Work sucks right now. I don't say that often, and I hate having that kind of attitude, but I'm not going to lie. When my weekend starts on Thursday night with not getting home until 8:00 because I worked late for the 4th day in a row, and then not going to sleep until 1:00 AM (and not because of a man) because my work week is rolling around in my brain and WON'T FUCKING STOP.

So today will be better. Shoveling rock and mulch before it rains. And rains. And rains. Hey, at least I'm not shoveling manure.

And Oh yeah!

Monday, September 23, 2013

lifetime friends

Today is a special day. It's a celebration of lifetime friendships and birthdays.

In 7th and 8th grade, I was... well, ok let's be honest... I was a nerd. I was the girl who went from a small private school where my 6th grade class had 12 students to a junior high with 300+ in my grade alone. To say there was an adjustment is the understatement of the century. I didn't have the coolest clothes, I wore glasses, I always felt chubby, my crazy hair wouldn't behave and it was 1983 so I got a perm. I was in all the advanced classes with students who would later go to work for NASA. Literally, I hung out with rocket scientists. And to top it off... puberty. Oh the joys of growing hair and breasts and hormones going crazy. How did we ever survive?

I know how. In the midst of all that, I found my tribe. The other girls who were struggling to fit in, to find themselves. We sat together at lunch and we talked about life, and somehow we forged friendships that would last decades. And that tribe included the wonderful Roxann and Kendra. Twins who couldn't be more different on the inside but who balance each other and are truly two of the best friends ever. The things we've each had to live with and endure in our lives have run the full spectrum. From a girl who ran away at age 15 and lived on the streets for months, to the single mom who found her prince charming only to have him taken from her in an instant, to little ol' me and my path to and from love.

We met over 30 years ago. There is something extremely comforting in being friends with someone who has known you that long. When I have a shitty day, I don't have to explain myself and why I'm feeling that way. They get it. They know how my heart and mind work.

But... a lifetime friendship doesn't necessarily have to start when you're 12. I mean, look at Julie... I've known her maybe a decade. It's her birthday too. And she's one of my dearest friends ever. We went through hell at work together, and learned how to laugh through the pain of a horrible boss. Even though she approaches life with her own unique set of filters that are completely different than mine - we are the best of friends. Yin and Yang.

To Kendra, Roxann and Julie - may your birthday be as happy as your friendship has made me all these years. Salut!

Monday, September 9, 2013

monday motivation - speak your truth

This isn't the post I was going to write today. But I think it's important enough to change my plans.

I woke up today knowing that I would get to chat with him and looking forward to it, even though I know we aren't exactly on the same relationship page right now. That's just how it is. I love discussing things with this man. It's interesting that with him, I can speak more freely than with anyone else. I know that I can express my wants and needs and wishes and dreams and he doesn't seem to judge them or me. He asks questions in a way that makes me think, and then sometimes, makes me face something I don't necessarily want to admit even to myself. I'm not even sure he realizes what he's doing.

Today, he asked me a fairly simple question. And in just thinking about the answer, a simple truth hit me, and the tears started to roll down my cheeks, and I fell apart.

"What do you want right now?"

The truth is, I want to NOT know how a broken heart feels. Maybe it's the time of year, the upcoming anniversaries of friends lost but never forgotten, but the cracks and wounds left by old heartaches are sore and tender. I wouldn't trade the experiences I've had and the love I've had for anything. But sometimes, I wish I still had the innocent ability to fall in love without reservation and without caution.