funny thing about boomerangs... they come back

A few weeks ago, I wrote about boomerangs and men. Little did I know, that post was premature. Maybe it’s Australian new year, and this is the year of the boomerang? 

It’s true. There have been more boomerangs, er, I mean men, coming around again. First up is “D,” the guy with whom I had the shortest fling ever between Christmas and New Years. He lives in another state and was just here visiting, so we both knew it wasn’t going anywhere. It’s still not, but apparently I’m the only one who remembers that. I have to remind him when he calls me every couple weeks.

And when I was in California a few days later, just as I lay my head down one night… Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Five texts coming in. Yes. Five. And there is an apology that spans five texts. From “J,” the crazy guy. Guess he didn’t have the ability to send me a crate of doves and two dozen roses via text. If you weren’t sure about how I feel about this one – five texts in a row. At midnight. Nine months after his crazy text rampage that caused me to end the relationship just as it was getting off the ground.

A couple days later, “B” and “A” both text me – guys I had one date with and never saw again. Move along, gentlemen. I have.

And then, the super boomerang. The one who walked away from me. It hurt more than I can really admit, even now, months later. The morning he told me off, told me not to contact him again, I didn’t cry. I was numb. I didn’t feel a thing. If I allowed myself to feel the sting, it meant I cared. And if I cared, then that was just dumb of me, because he was capable of dismissing me so easily. So I simply didn’t feel it.

And then suddenly he was back. Along with a boatload of feelings bursting through the floodgates. I’m hurt, pissed off, confused, But I was also ridiculously happy to hear from him, and I'm afraid it’s turned me into a bit of a mess. I’ve missed talking to him so much.

I wish we could just pick up where we left off, and start moving forward again, but life isn’t that simple. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I just know that I’ve never wanted to punch someone and kiss them at the same time so much. To think that he once called me ambivalent. Ha! But when a man tells you you’re clever and intelligent and sexy, you really want to listen to him. He could be telling the truth.

Boomerang? Or maybe, just maybe… to be continued…

irreconcilable

What happens when you and the one you love need different things?

The other day, I had a conversation with a friend about his relationship. He and his partner are at a fundamental crossroads. Something that he considers to be a basic necessity in life is something that his partner does not believe to be necessary, and therefore won’t provide.

He didn’t have to say it. I could sense his pain over this difference a mile away. How do you walk away from someone you care about and love? How do you honor your needs when your partner won’t? How does that relationship survive? Can you really deny something about yourself that is vital to your well being in order to stay in a relationship? Maybe you can for a while. But are you ever really happy? What is the cost to your soul?

Through the experience I had as an adult watching my parents’ marriage unravel, my perceptions on commitment and relationships were altered quite drastically. Over time, it became crystal clear to me that I would never be able to commit to a relationship with a man where our needs couldn’t coexist and thrive in each others presence. I’ve seen too many friends and family members settle for less than this. I watch their struggles, and I know I don’t want that for myself.

I’m not talking about little things and small differences in a relationship. I’m talking about the big ones. The things that you absolutely need in order to feel loved by another. Without them, you will never feel complete.

Some people might say that if you love someone, you’ll accept that they may not love you the way you need. Okay, that’s one way of looking at it. You must make the sacrifice and ignore what you need in order to receive their love. You lower your expectation, and make it okay for someone to love you by giving you less than you need.

Really? Feel love by not getting what you need to feel love? Hmm…

I think that if you truly love someone, you try to discover how they need to be loved and offer them as much of that as you can. In other words, if you have to sacrifice anything, you make the sacrifice of giving more than you feel comfortable with, rather than asking them to accept less.

Remember this, my dear friend. It is never too late to choose to honor yourself. It may not be easy, but your heart knows the way.

monday motivation - forever

Today is not that day.

silver and gold

On a brisk fall day, in 1983, two young girls started 7th grade and joined the band. Who would have predicted that 29 years later, those two would still be friends (and band nerds at heart)? How do you know when someone walks into your life that they will forever change you, and will be a defining factor in who you become?

Thank you, my dearest friend for always being a friend. I simply cannot imagine what my world would be like if I hadn't known you. You bring sunshine to the people in your life, and your optimism and love is contagious. I admire the strength and grace with which you face your days.

And yesterday, when I heard your voice, strong and clear, knowing you were once again breathing the air that can only be found in Northwest, my troubled heart was happy. Happy to hear you sounding strong, setting down new roots and standing up tall for yourself. And when you helped me see the silver lining in the dark clouds that came at me this week, I couldn't help but cherish my best friend even more. And now, I'm looking forward to the end of the storm!

On this day, I'd like to propose a toast to our friendship. There's a song we used to sing in Girls Scouts that says, "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold." Shauna, you are gold.

monday motivation - love

The only way love can last a lifetime is if it's unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love.
  Stephen Kendrick

What is unconditional love? Love given freely, without demand. It is kindness, compassion, honesty, loyalty. Unwavering in its truth, unconditional love doesn't fade. It's not infatuation or romance. It's so much simpler, and so much more meaningful. It can be shared among family, friends, even strangers.

My life is full of unconditional love. For the friends and family who choose to love me unconditionally, I am grateful beyond words. And I choose to love you back, regardless of circumstance or distance. In the quiet of your heart, my friend, know that you are forever loved.

mulligan?

Hey.

I was sleeping soundly when I heard it, the sound of a text coming in. It was late, who could be texting me at this hour? I groggily reached over and grabbed my phone. Opening one eye, I tried to focus on the screen. Maybe I should have grabbed my glasses too. Then everything came into focus at once, and my heart lurched. There it was, three little letters, “Hey” From him.

I don’t often end relationships badly. By the time I break up with someone, we’re usually able to stay friends, or at least friendly. Not this guy. He said horrible things to me as he was tearing me down, accusing me of things I didn’t do, and walking away. I still remember trying to reason with him, to explain that he misunderstood my actions, begging him to hear my explanation, and his response, “No way, I hate you.”

If there was a relationship I could use a mulligan on, it’s him. How I’ve wanted for so long to prove to him that I wasn’t the person he accused me of being. How I wanted to show him what he meant to me, to pull him close and make everything all right. But that bridge was burned, I knew he hated me, he said it so clearly, and I wasn’t going to change his mind. So I let him go. Eventually I moved on. But when he crosses my mind, it’s always with a twinge of regret and bittersweet memories. Very few have ever reached that deep into my soul.

So there it was, a simple “hey.” A door open, just a crack. And my mind went off in a million directions at once. Quick, do a happy dance! Should I play it cool or ask him what the hell he wants? Do I ignore him entirely? Why now, after all this time? Is he okay? Will there be a spark when I see him? Does he even want to see me? How will I ever know what made him reach out to me now? For crying out loud answer the damn text already!

After considerable thought, I responded the only possible way I could to such a message. I said, “Hey, what’s up?” Yup. I totally showed him. Literary genius, that’s me.

It worked. The door opened a little more. We started talking. I don’t know that it’ll go anywhere, but at least the anger and hatred is gone. He said he couldn’t hate me. He knows I was honest. We both apologized for our bad behavior that led to the fight that ended any chance we had. Forgiveness feels good.

No promises have been offered. No plans made. But the door is open. That’s enough for today. My heart is a little lighter.

a different brand of crazy

A few weeks ago, I met a new guy. He seemed great. Cute, liked to dance, maybe a little rusty at this game of dating, sweet, and best of all – he really liked me! It’s been a long time since a man called me beautiful and doted on me. Those first moments were blissful and exciting!

And as the days went on, the shiny wore off, like cheap silver plate. As he shared more of himself with me, he held nothing back. He laid all his baggage at my feet, the good and the bad. While a part of me can appreciate his utter honesty about the life he’s led, I prefer to learn those things about someone over time. I was a bit overwhelmed, but since none of the things I’d learned were deal breakers by themselves, I decided to push on and write it off to his enthusiasm for a budding relationship.

Under the shiny exterior, as I started learning more about him, I caught glimpses of the yellow and red flags that would eventually light my way to the exit. I know I’m picky about dating guys. My friends tease me about how fast I can spot a fatal flaw in a relationship. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve held bets on how long it would take me to find it with some of the guys I’ve dated. I wonder what the odds are in Vegas on that?

I honestly wasn’t looking for the fatal flaws. I never do. But there are deal breakers for me in relationships, and when I spot one, I’m not going to waste my time or his. I’m a “rip the band aid off fast” girl. Life is short, and I’m not spending one more minute being miserable than I have to.

So when he started displaying signs of controlling and insecure behavior, the red lights started flashing. Asking me to cancel plans with a friend in order to meet his friends is a big no no in my book. And shortly after, the insecure, needy texts – Where are you? Did you get my text? Why aren’t you answering? Did I say something to offend you? I really like you, why aren’t you answering me? I don’t know why you aren’t answering – maybe my texts aren’t coming through?

No kidding. One night. All those texts and more. I’m not even sure how many phone calls there were because after the first three texts came within an hour or two, I shut my phone off and went to the movies. By myself. Best date night ever. The next morning I broke up with him. I knew that if he needed constant contact, reassurance and control over my time, I’d quickly feel smothered and resentful. No matter how much I like someone, I still need to be me in a relationship.

I know none of us are confident in ourselves 100% of the time. We all have insecure moments. But at least I can recognize my insecurity rising and have learned how to handle those moments without derailing my relationships. I’d say that I wish other people would figure that out as well, but then I wouldn’t get to write blogs about my crazy dating life. Remember the clam chowder incident? Oh, I’ll tell you about it sometime...

a few thoughts on writing this blog

Sometimes I wonder who is reading the words I write – I know a couple of you, but not many. I'm always surprised when I look at the stat counter and see how many people have read different posts. I really haven’t told many of my friends and family about this blog. I know that seems counterproductive to growing readership, but so far I think it’s for the best. I haven't hidden it, but I haven't gone out on a self-promotion campaign either.

Someone told me the other day that I am wise. And they weren’t being sarcastic. The best part is that this someone is new in my life. It’s not someone who knows firsthand the heartache I’ve lived with, the pain that’s made me who I am. It’s sweet and flattering to know that he appreciates my perspective on life. And it’s reaffirming to know that my stories have touched someone else’s heart, that the lessons I’ve learned are helpful for someone else.

In general, I’ve found it easier not being aware of who is reading – because I don’t feel the pressure to edit or censor myself. I want to allow myself to be completely honest. I know my own self well enough to know I’d choose different words or filter my stories if I knew certain friends or family members were reading this. I also know that those closest to me would be supportive, they’d comment and encourage and be my cheerleaders, but they do that no matter what I do. I do try not to be disrespectful to those who could someday read my words and recognize themselves here, but my goal is for this blog to reach people who need it. I’m writing from my heart, and I hope it touches yours. Whether you’re someone I already know or not – I’m glad you are here, and I hope you say hi!

by and by

After spending a couple hours with a close friend a few evenings ago, I left for home feeling more content and peaceful than I had in days. I'd had a rough couple of days and my heart was feeling a little torn up, so it was comforting to just sit and be with my friend for a little while.  Back at home, as I was settling in for the night, I put on one of my favorite albums and it wasn't long before my favorite song came up to the plate. As I nodded off with these words in the background, I couldn't help but think of how true this is for our friendship. And for that I am ever thankful.

By and By

~Brett Dennen

Listen close, as close as I am to you
like the bell of liberty I'll ring a sound that's true
days go by and seasons too
in time our love may digress with the words we can renew

I tell you that I
I love you by and by
I don't know if I'd survive
without a friend like you in my life

and I know words can be the worst to purvey
how it is I feel for you it's hard for me to say
but if we keep it simple I think it's better that way
tangled words tend to lead my messages astray

I tell you that I
I love you by and by
and I don't know if I'd survive
without a friend like you in my life

this web we weave holds us hand in hand
and if we loosen our grips we may weaken these strands
so let us reinforce our love and let it echo through the land
if we don't we may find ourselves washed up with the sand

I tell you that I
I love you by and by
and I don't know if I'd survive
without a friend like you in my life

an exotic evening

I had a chance to see an advance screening of a new movie last night. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. A most excellent movie. Amazingly full of the stuff of life. Go see it. I can't even pick a favorite character - the casting was spot-on, and each person's story was a brilliant part of the symphony. Just go see it. I'm no movie critic - but this is funny and sad and serious and sweet all at once.

And it's full of little quote gems, like "It will all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." And, "I'm single by choice, just not my choice."

p.s. Judy Densch's character was my favorite. I think.

Intuition

It seems to come out of nowhere. The sinking feeling in my stomach. My worst fears  come to life. There is no hiding from the truth this time. No avoiding it. This is really happening. This moment that I’ve dreaded for months. And yet, as the pounding in my head starts and my stomach knots up, I also realize that I am not really surprised. At some level, I knew this was coming. I was waiting for this moment. My intuition was right again. (Damnit!)

I know I should listen to my intuition. It’s never been wrong. At least not about the big things. Sure, I might have an “intuition” about whether my favorite football team will be undefeated this year or not and I could be right or wrong about that. But when my intuition really speaks to me, it doesn’t lie. No matter what it is – life, death or love.

Too often, the things my intuition tells me aren’t things I want to hear. I don’t want to know that my friend is ill, that death and grief will soon be part of my life again. I don’t want to know that my friend or lover has betrayed me. I want to hide my head in the sand, pretend everything is okay, avoid the pain that this moment of truth will bring me. Because it will be painful – it will hurt. It will take time to heal, it will paralyze me, it will force me to change somehow.

And yet, sometimes, my intuition tells me good things. Hopeful things. When I realize that this person I just met is going to be a wonderfully significant addition to my life, and could change me in ways I can’t even imagine yet. The knowledge that a lifelong dream may be on the verge of coming true is powerful stuff. It’s still scary and gut wrenching and sometimes a little paralyzing, but in a good way.

How do you know when to listen to your intuition? How can you tell when it’s just your own fears and hopes and you’re over-projecting them to avoid acknowledging the truth about a situation? Just trying to stay in denial a little longer? I certainly don’t have the answers. I do know that I am braver about listening to that voice inside when it’s telling me good news instead of bad. However, I also know that my intuition has a good track record of being right about the bad news.

Maybe intuition is my heart and soul’s disaster warning system? Danger ahead! Prepare for evacuation or battle! Will you run for the hills or stand up and fight?

Several years ago, my best friend Shauna was coming home for a visit. She’d just announced her pregnancy so we were throwing a shower for her while she was home, because we knew we wouldn’t see her again until after the baby was born. She got a call from her doctor the morning before the shower, asking her to schedule another ultrasound as soon as she returned, because “there was some unusual things on her last exam, and they just want to be sure nothing is wrong.” When she told me this, my heart sank, but we put on our happy faces and helped her get through the shower. In the coming weeks, we’d learn more about Trisomy 18 than anyone should ever have to. Jackson was stillborn some weeks later. Intuition=1, Sheryl=0

A few months after my best friend Rochelle’s symptoms started, and shortly after her first hospitalization for uncontrollable pain, she called me after a doctor’s visit. “They found it,” she said. “It’s cancer.” I know that none of us were surprised – at that point, we all suspected it. But to hear the words so clearly made my heart stop. It’s cancer. From the moment her first symptoms appeared to the day we said goodbye was less than six months. Intuition=2, Sheryl=0.

Can you blame me for not wanting to listen to my intuition sometimes? Why bother – it’s just going to tell me bad news – why not put it off to the last possible moment? But I’ve found that when I do listen to the warning signs, when I face it early on, when I acknowledge that I’m scared, it somehow makes it easier to face. I know that Shauna appreciated us being scared right along with her – that it helped her when she had to face the worst news an expectant mother could face. I know that I’m better off having faced my worst fears when Rochelle was sick and dying, and that my life is, in the long run, richer for having been so involved in her last months of life. For standing next to her as she faced death, even when it was the last thing I wanted to do. Those moments were painful, they changed who I am. But I think that having my intuition warn me ahead of time helped me prepare. It helped me face the facts with my warrior gear on.

Looking at it that way, I think I'll take a moment of intuition over a blindside any day of the week. Don't make me wear my emotional armor 24/7. Let me take it off for a while in between battles. My heart and soul appreciate the rest. May your intuition guide you and protect you too.

breaking my silence

Today, I’m changing gears. I have to get something off my chest. I’m bothered by something that is happening in my life and I’ve stayed silent about it for as long as I can. No more. Ready?

Dating sucks.

There! It's out. Whew! Geez, what did you think I was going to say?

I recently had a few dates with a man I’d met and dated a few years ago. I remembered that I really liked his sense of humor and things had been moving in a promising direction back then (even if they weren’t moving at the speed I wanted them to). In short, when we reconnected, I found myself wondering if I’d passed up something good when things fizzled out before.

So I decided to give him another shot. I wanted to see if there was a connection there. Did he still make me laugh? Did we still have the same things in common? Would there be any sparks?

We went on a couple of dates – dinner and a movie, and then a dinner at one of the most romantic spots in Portland. There weren’t any sparks. The chemistry isn’t there. He’s still a good guy, but we aren’t riding the same wave. We can sit and talk and laugh, but I feel like I’m going through the motions. I can tell he likes me. It’s sad. I really wish I liked him more. This is the part of dating that sucks! He's a great guy, for someone else.

I feel like I’ve lost so much in the last few years, and I have grown and learned and become a much healthier, stronger soul for it. I’m ready for a good man in my life. One who understands that I need space to breathe, that I need to laugh, dance, sing and play, and who wants to do some of that with me. One who sees that my life is full, it has pain and it has joy and they balance in a beautiful way that makes me appreciate each day more. I need someone whose own need for freedom and independence balances mine. Someone who speaks the truth, who doesn’t make promises he won’t keep, and who wants me more than he needs me in his life. I’m ready to open my heart to the right man. There's room for him now.

When will he come along? Is he already in my life, and we just haven’t figured it out? Is it the guy who makes my stomach flutter when his hand grazes mine? The guy whose phone calls and texts always make me happy, no matter what kind of day I'm having? Or the guy whose gaze across a room full of people can make my knees weak? The guy who laughs and teases me relentlessly because he knows I love his sarcasm? Have I known him for years, or is he still a stranger to me? Time will tell.

I know I have to just keep on hoping and trying. And putting on my hopeful face and shaving my legs before heading out on hopeful dates. But some days, and some dates, just suck.

voices carry

Learning how to listen to, and trust, your own voice is hard. It's hard to filter through what our friends, loved ones, family, coworkers and strangers project onto us. Especially when the voice inside your heart is saying something different than they want it to. I do believe that true friendship lies in the harmony and echo of each of our inner voices. That is where love lives. Hmm... I may have to come back to that thought later.

One thing that my experience with the path through grief gave me was a change in perspective. I realized somewhere in the weeks and months after Rochelle died that I was never going to be the same person I was when my best friend was alive. The one thing I knew for sure is that this grief was going to define me one way or another, and I got to choose how. My voice was different now, because it didn't have her echo anymore. I got to decide how my new voice would sound and what songs it would sing.

So, I started listening. I started with myself. Who do I want to be? What kind of person will people say I "was" when I no longer "am"? What matters to me? What no longer matters? And then I listened to what others said to me, and about me. Thankfully, I have some amazing, loving, intelligent, and incredibly honest people in my life. And then, I started using my new voice, trusting that my heart knew the way back to happiness.

Sure, there are setbacks, there are expectations that must be met, there are loved ones whose own problems and hidden agendas cause stress, pain and strain in my relationships. But I try to respond to those situations with kindness, with honesty, from a place of peace. I know I can't change someone else's perspective, and I also know I don't have to echo their voice if it doesn't harmonize with mine.

In the last few months, trusting my voice has been challenged. Relationships have been strained. It was tempting to lash out in anger, to point fingers and toss accusations and old resentment and unhealed hurts back at those who are causing pain in my life. But I held on to my new voice. I trusted myself to speak honestly, to speak from the heart, to temper my words with kindness, while not backing down and taking blame or responsibility that doesn't belong to me.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it worked. At least from the other person's perspective. I don't know if they have heard the kindness and truth in my words. The relationships are still strained. Issues haven't been resolved yet, and may not be for some time. But it's going to be okay. My heart tells me so.