lifetime friends

Today is a special day. It's a celebration of lifetime friendships and birthdays.

In 7th and 8th grade, I was... well, ok let's be honest... I was a nerd. I was the girl who went from a small private school where my 6th grade class had 12 students to a junior high with 300+ in my grade alone. To say there was an adjustment is the understatement of the century. I didn't have the coolest clothes, I wore glasses, I always felt chubby, my crazy hair wouldn't behave and it was 1983 so I got a perm. I was in all the advanced classes with students who would later go to work for NASA. Literally, I hung out with rocket scientists. And to top it off... puberty. Oh the joys of growing hair and breasts and hormones going crazy. How did we ever survive?

I know how. In the midst of all that, I found my tribe. The other girls who were struggling to fit in, to find themselves. We sat together at lunch and we talked about life, and somehow we forged friendships that would last decades. And that tribe included the wonderful Roxann and Kendra. Twins who couldn't be more different on the inside but who balance each other and are truly two of the best friends ever. The things we've each had to live with and endure in our lives have run the full spectrum. From a girl who ran away at age 15 and lived on the streets for months, to the single mom who found her prince charming only to have him taken from her in an instant, to little ol' me and my path to and from love.

We met over 30 years ago. There is something extremely comforting in being friends with someone who has known you that long. When I have a shitty day, I don't have to explain myself and why I'm feeling that way. They get it. They know how my heart and mind work.

But... a lifetime friendship doesn't necessarily have to start when you're 12. I mean, look at Julie... I've known her maybe a decade. It's her birthday too. And she's one of my dearest friends ever. We went through hell at work together, and learned how to laugh through the pain of a horrible boss. Even though she approaches life with her own unique set of filters that are completely different than mine - we are the best of friends. Yin and Yang.

To Kendra, Roxann and Julie - may your birthday be as happy as your friendship has made me all these years. Salut!

time to think

I'm spending a much needed vacation week recharging my batteries and relaxing in one of my favorite places on the planet. Every time I step outside, I take a deep breath and let the scents of my hometown settle back into my soul. No other place smells like this, and I wish I could bottle the fragrance of Central Oregon. I haven't set an alarm since last Thursday, and I have barely looked at a clock as well. Yesterday I hiked for miles, and today I slept in (for me), lazed about for a while, then took a 2 hour nap this afternoon.

This year has taken a toll on me so far, emotionally and physically, and I've not had a lot of opportunities for real reflection and thinking. So I'm taking advantage of the break to allow myself to just sit and ponder as needed. 

I took a trip down memory lane yesterday and drove past my old house, past Rochelle's old house, past our high school, straight over to the park where we would go when we skipped class (shh). The swings are still there. All I needed was a Slurpee to complete the picture. Oh, and my best friend. I miss her so damn much. Nearly five years after she died, I want nothing more than one more conversation with her. A really long one, because we have a lot to talk about, she and I.

I wonder what she'd say about the things going on in my life now. What advice would she give me about the boomerang men? My job? The desire to pack my bags, sell my house, and run away to a sunny sandy beach town to make jewelry and sell flip flops? She always had a way of helping me make sense of things, even if she didn't outright tell me what to do. I need that now.

the silence is so loud

On September 13, 2000, my best friend was born. He weighed exactly 16 ounces and was the second biggest in his litter of 12 chocolate lab puppies. I didn't meet him for another four weeks, and I didn't bring him home to live with me until four weeks after that.

 
Twelve years and nine months later, on June 29, 2013, we said farewell and I stroked his fur for the last time.

I knew my time was limited and I was as prepared to let him go as I could be. And I knew it would hurt and I'd miss him like crazy, and I do. I never thought about how silent the house would be. I didn't realize how it would feel to come home and not have to walk to the back to let him in from whatever place he was napping in the yard. How lonely it would be to not be woken up by a cute little face peeking over the mattress, letting me know that he needed something (a cookie, a restroom break, or just a kiss).


I can get used to sleeping in again. I can get used to the freedom of being able to not go straight home from work or coordinating to make sure someone could take care of him. But the silence? I don't know if I can get used to that.

who you'd be today

Today is Rochelle's birthday. My best friend for nearly a quarter century on this earth. We met in 9th grade, were inseparable throughout high school, along with Shauna, and after high school, things never really changed. Sure we moved, went to school, got jobs, fell in and out of love with boys, then fell in love with men. But whenever something big happened, my first phone call was always to her.

In all those years, I can't remember a single fight we had. We disagreed sometimes, but never fought. Because that would be like yelling at myself. We were that connected.

I miss her so much, and with all that's going on in my life right now, I really wish I could just call her. I know she'd have some good advice along with a funny story or two.

As the years go by, I find myself wondering what she'd be up to now. Would she and Dave have adopted a child, giving Rohn a brother or sister? Would she still be working at the pharmacy? Living in the same tiny house, and would they have finally taken the plunge to remodel it and add on? Kenny Chesney sings this song about losing his best friend in high school, and that song has always been a sweet reminder of Rochelle.

young at heart

Ever since the day he picked me out, I’ve loved his sweet face. He is the essence of peace and confidence. He won’t back down if someone threatens his family (me), but he has also mastered the lazy “smell the roses” stroll. 

I admit, I didn’t fully know what I was getting into when I got him. I remember my best friend asking me if I knew that some dogs eat their own poop, and was I really prepared to deal with that? But I was in love, puppy love, and I fell in deep. And my life is so much better as a result. When I look at the friends I have now that I never would have met without him, I count my blessings. And when I remember the times he’s let me cry into his fur and just snuggled in when I needed love, I count them again. 

And so, when my cute old man who has arthritis and other complicated illnesses, brings me his ball when I get home, I can’t help but smile at his wagging tail and his cute little hop and skip and stroll to pick up the ball after I throw it. He’s so stinkin’ cute!

Print available here.

you had to be there

sponge
butter
unicorn
apparently
sickle cell anemia
who's got the brain today?

It's a word, it's a phrase, it's secret code! None of those words above mean anything unusual to most people. Except for me and my friends...

There is nothing better than those rare moments when you are reduced to laughing-till-you-snort/cry/pee by just a word or phrase uttered at the right moment. And how that phrase becomes part of the language of your friendship in an instant, so that ten or twenty (or more) years down the road, that word still sends you into a fit of giggles.

Even better when it makes you giggle out loud in a very inappropriate setting. Ahem..like during a board meeting. Know what I mean, Vern? 

when the sun goes down

Not long ago, one of my dearest friends said to me, "Did you ever notice how much of our friendship happens in the dark of night?"

It's true. While we've spent plenty of time together in daylight, some of the most memorable and true moments in our friendship over the years have happened after the sun has set. There have been late nights, early mornings, and sometimes all nights. By ourselves or with friends, staying up and talking about love and loss, goofing off and laughing till our sides ache. Soaking in a hot tub under the stars, lying in the cool grass on a summer night, snowball fights, and movie marathons all seem more exciting and adventurous in the dark. And our truths are so much easier to tell then too. It's easier to let your tears flow, drop your guard and be humble with each other.

I always look forward to these late night adventures, because they don't happen every day or every week. They are special and magical and happy and full of laughter and love, just like our friendship. It's about time we planned another one, don't you think, old friend?

3-18

Today is national Trisomy 18 awareness day. Although, for anyone who knows about it from experience, every day is Trisomy 18 awareness day. I'll never forget the day I learned about it.

Shauna, my best friend, had recently moved to Texas, but miles don't really matter to friends like us. We knew Shauna's doctor was concerned about something when they ordered more tests after a routine ultrasound. We even talked about the fact that if anyone could handle a baby with special needs - like Down syndrome - it would be her. After all, she took in a paraplegic kitten who wasn't expected to live a year (and is now 13). But then she got the results. It was so much worse. No amount of love and care would protect this baby. The statistics are depressing. There were so many if's. If he made it to term. If he made it through delivery. If he survived a few hours, or a few days.

And there was only one when. When our hearts would break completely. All we could do was hope it was all a mistake, pray for a miracle, and offer Shauna our support from afar. And when Jackson was stillborn on November 12, 2003, we all grieved. And we still remember.

My heart reaches out to all those who have been touched by T18 in their lives.

beautiful souls

I just spent the weekend with my best friend and two teenage girls. We flew to Los Angeles where we immediately (an hour or so later) got in the rental car and drove directly to the Pacific Ocean to have a picnic lunch with our feet in the sand, soaking up some sunshine and watching surfers. We spent the next two days covering every inch of Disneyland and California Adventure, filling up our happy tanks, laughing till we cried, walking till we hurt, and riding roller coasters till we screamed. I heard more giggles out of those two girls than I thought possible, until I remembered that I was once a giggling girl myself.

And yet, in the middle of all the excitement and joy, there were bittersweet moments. I couldn't help remembering going through the Haunted Mansion and riding the Matterhorn with Rochelle when we were 15. I thought of friendship often as I was watching the girls, knowing that both of them are seriously struggling with self-esteem, eating disorders and more, in a way that is beyond normal for their age. But their giggles and happiness were real this weekend, of that I am sure. I can only hope that it carries them for a while and shelters them from pain as long as possible.

Although I'm not a parent, my maternal instincts wanted to do everything to make sure they know that they are worthy and loved just for being themselves. That beauty isn't in the clothes they wear, the makeup they sneak on, and in whether they have a tan or not. It's in their soul and it sparkles even when their eyes are sad. It's in the child-like joy of joining in with a Disney character who just asked you to dance on the sidewalk. It's in learning a new way to live after a parent leaves or passes away. It's in the act of volunteering at a cat shelter just because you love cats. It's in giggling and sharing secrets with your best friend, knowing that she's got your back no matter what. It's in the permagrin that comes from riding a roller coaster that made you feel like a kid. These girls have beauty that cannot be contained, I just wish they could see what I see and trust in themselves.

monday motivation - forever

Today is not that day.

frolicking friend friday

I have had a rough week. Work is stressful right now. There are things in my personal life causing me stress and distress too, so I've spent 3 out of the last 5 nights with serious insomnia. Then, one of my best friends stopped by at lunch today. And reminded me how much I need my friends when I'm struggling. Just spending a little time chatting and enjoying each others company was all I needed to boost my spirits, remind me to try to look for the positive in what I'm facing, and then relax and have some fun too!

After lunch, I spent the afternoon playing with other friends and family - laughing on the phone with E-man and goofing off with dog park buddies. As the day went on, I could feel myself unwinding even more.

Yes, frolicking friend friday was exactly what I needed!

silver and gold

On a brisk fall day, in 1983, two young girls started 7th grade and joined the band. Who would have predicted that 29 years later, those two would still be friends (and band nerds at heart)? How do you know when someone walks into your life that they will forever change you, and will be a defining factor in who you become?

Thank you, my dearest friend for always being a friend. I simply cannot imagine what my world would be like if I hadn't known you. You bring sunshine to the people in your life, and your optimism and love is contagious. I admire the strength and grace with which you face your days.

And yesterday, when I heard your voice, strong and clear, knowing you were once again breathing the air that can only be found in Northwest, my troubled heart was happy. Happy to hear you sounding strong, setting down new roots and standing up tall for yourself. And when you helped me see the silver lining in the dark clouds that came at me this week, I couldn't help but cherish my best friend even more. And now, I'm looking forward to the end of the storm!

On this day, I'd like to propose a toast to our friendship. There's a song we used to sing in Girls Scouts that says, "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold." Shauna, you are gold.

happy birthday

Today is Rochelle's birthday. Once upon a time it was one of my favorite days of the year. Now it's a bittersweet day full of tears and just the memories of celebrations past.



In 2009, on the first of Rochelle's birthdays after she passed away, Shauna and I had a virtual best friends date across the miles. We picked a movie that was a little lighthearted, and one that Rochelle would have wanted to see (My Life in Ruins). Then, at approximately the same time - our time zones are two hours apart - we went to the movie. Since mine was the later start, as soon as I got out of the theater, I called Shauna. We laughed, we cried, and then we cried some more. It was a day of survival, more than celebration. Our grief was still too fresh during that year of firsts to feel much of anything but pain that day.

The next year, feeling a little stronger, I had started running, and in honor of my best friend, I ran the 5K Starlight run on her birthday. The Starlight run is a race along the parade route right before the nighttime parade that is one of the signature events of Portland's Rose Festival. Back in 1986, Rochelle, Shauna, and I were all part of the marching band and we'd come to Portland and performed in that parade. I wore a birthday cake tiara, shorts honoring my high school alma mater and professing my band nerd status, and a shirt honoring Rochelle as well. After the run, we watched some of the parade then went out to eat and drink with some of my closest friends and my mom. It was a good way to celebrate Rochelle that year!



Last year was a quieter, more subdued celebration. I was in California, not far from where Rochelle lived until she was 8 or so. My nephew's birthday is the day before Rochelle's, so I was celebrating with him. For his day, we had a lot of cupcakes and a party at a gymnastics center. The next day, Rochelle's birthday, we went to see the Giants game and spent some time in San Francisco. It was a fun day, and spending time with my brother and family was wonderful. I think Rochelle would have been happy to see that day.

This year has been rough on me emotionally, with new grief coming my way and relationship challenges with various people in my life. My support team has also shrunk a little. One of my best friends, someone who has been a part of my life for years, isn't able to be there for me this time around. So that sucks. For Rochelle's birthday, I don't have anything in particular planned. Well that's not entirely true. I have a bag of orange slices (her favorite candy) and ice cream. I have copies of Pretty Woman, Steel Magnolias, Top Gun, and Beaches (some of our favorite movies). I have a playlist set up with the songs of our friendship (everything from ABBA to Madonna to Enya). Anyone want to join me for a sentimental movie fest and sugar high? Bonus points if you can sing every song of the soundtracks to those movies. I hate to sing alone.

Happy birthday my dear friend Rochelle. I miss you more than I can ever say. You will always be my very best friend.

by and by

After spending a couple hours with a close friend a few evenings ago, I left for home feeling more content and peaceful than I had in days. I'd had a rough couple of days and my heart was feeling a little torn up, so it was comforting to just sit and be with my friend for a little while.  Back at home, as I was settling in for the night, I put on one of my favorite albums and it wasn't long before my favorite song came up to the plate. As I nodded off with these words in the background, I couldn't help but think of how true this is for our friendship. And for that I am ever thankful.

By and By

~Brett Dennen

Listen close, as close as I am to you
like the bell of liberty I'll ring a sound that's true
days go by and seasons too
in time our love may digress with the words we can renew

I tell you that I
I love you by and by
I don't know if I'd survive
without a friend like you in my life

and I know words can be the worst to purvey
how it is I feel for you it's hard for me to say
but if we keep it simple I think it's better that way
tangled words tend to lead my messages astray

I tell you that I
I love you by and by
and I don't know if I'd survive
without a friend like you in my life

this web we weave holds us hand in hand
and if we loosen our grips we may weaken these strands
so let us reinforce our love and let it echo through the land
if we don't we may find ourselves washed up with the sand

I tell you that I
I love you by and by
and I don't know if I'd survive
without a friend like you in my life

unconditional love

Today, I can't help but think about the one who loves me like no one else ever will. There is never any judgment in his eyes. He is always happy to see me, he sits with me when I need a snuggle, and he is goofy when I want a giggle. He'll do just about anything to make me smile. He is simply the best thing that has ever happened to me. He's the reason I had to put a child proof lock on the fridge and I don't even have children. He's insanely smart and stubborn and I love him more than life sometimes.

I'm taking my boy Porter in for a surgery he shouldn't have to have. A month ago, I took him in to have two tumors/growths removed. One on his eye, and the other on his right shoulder. There was an error, and they took off a growth on his left shoulder instead. I'm a little nervous about putting him under anesthesia again, since he's an old boy now. But they've assured me he is healthy and strong enough, and there is still that weird tumor on his right shoulder, so here we go.

UPDATE - Mr. Porter is home. It was a rough night though. He wasn't eating or drinking, and is moving pretty slow. He's eaten breakfast now, so that's good, but I feel so bad for the poor baby.