irreconcilable

What happens when you and the one you love need different things?

The other day, I had a conversation with a friend about his relationship. He and his partner are at a fundamental crossroads. Something that he considers to be a basic necessity in life is something that his partner does not believe to be necessary, and therefore won’t provide.

He didn’t have to say it. I could sense his pain over this difference a mile away. How do you walk away from someone you care about and love? How do you honor your needs when your partner won’t? How does that relationship survive? Can you really deny something about yourself that is vital to your well being in order to stay in a relationship? Maybe you can for a while. But are you ever really happy? What is the cost to your soul?

Through the experience I had as an adult watching my parents’ marriage unravel, my perceptions on commitment and relationships were altered quite drastically. Over time, it became crystal clear to me that I would never be able to commit to a relationship with a man where our needs couldn’t coexist and thrive in each others presence. I’ve seen too many friends and family members settle for less than this. I watch their struggles, and I know I don’t want that for myself.

I’m not talking about little things and small differences in a relationship. I’m talking about the big ones. The things that you absolutely need in order to feel loved by another. Without them, you will never feel complete.

Some people might say that if you love someone, you’ll accept that they may not love you the way you need. Okay, that’s one way of looking at it. You must make the sacrifice and ignore what you need in order to receive their love. You lower your expectation, and make it okay for someone to love you by giving you less than you need.

Really? Feel love by not getting what you need to feel love? Hmm…

I think that if you truly love someone, you try to discover how they need to be loved and offer them as much of that as you can. In other words, if you have to sacrifice anything, you make the sacrifice of giving more than you feel comfortable with, rather than asking them to accept less.

Remember this, my dear friend. It is never too late to choose to honor yourself. It may not be easy, but your heart knows the way.

it's like a sneeze

This isn't a real post. But since I don't have real readers that doesn't matter. Whose blog is this anyway? Oh yeah, it's mine, and I get to celebrate my fun friends whenever and however I want. So from one home fry to another - I found this text conversation saved in my phone the other day:


E: My coworkers want a warning before I sneeze so they can prepare for the loudness. :)

S: Ha! that's like asking me to warn people before I say something brilliant. Sometimes you can't. It just happens. 

E: You crack me up home fry!

S: Achoo.


Told you it wasn't a real post. Next time maybe you'll believe me.

when the sun goes down

Not long ago, one of my dearest friends said to me, "Did you ever notice how much of our friendship happens in the dark of night?"

It's true. While we've spent plenty of time together in daylight, some of the most memorable and true moments in our friendship over the years have happened after the sun has set. There have been late nights, early mornings, and sometimes all nights. By ourselves or with friends, staying up and talking about love and loss, goofing off and laughing till our sides ache. Soaking in a hot tub under the stars, lying in the cool grass on a summer night, snowball fights, and movie marathons all seem more exciting and adventurous in the dark. And our truths are so much easier to tell then too. It's easier to let your tears flow, drop your guard and be humble with each other.

I always look forward to these late night adventures, because they don't happen every day or every week. They are special and magical and happy and full of laughter and love, just like our friendship. It's about time we planned another one, don't you think, old friend?

frolicking friend friday

I have had a rough week. Work is stressful right now. There are things in my personal life causing me stress and distress too, so I've spent 3 out of the last 5 nights with serious insomnia. Then, one of my best friends stopped by at lunch today. And reminded me how much I need my friends when I'm struggling. Just spending a little time chatting and enjoying each others company was all I needed to boost my spirits, remind me to try to look for the positive in what I'm facing, and then relax and have some fun too!

After lunch, I spent the afternoon playing with other friends and family - laughing on the phone with E-man and goofing off with dog park buddies. As the day went on, I could feel myself unwinding even more.

Yes, frolicking friend friday was exactly what I needed!

happy birthday

Today is Rochelle's birthday. Once upon a time it was one of my favorite days of the year. Now it's a bittersweet day full of tears and just the memories of celebrations past.



In 2009, on the first of Rochelle's birthdays after she passed away, Shauna and I had a virtual best friends date across the miles. We picked a movie that was a little lighthearted, and one that Rochelle would have wanted to see (My Life in Ruins). Then, at approximately the same time - our time zones are two hours apart - we went to the movie. Since mine was the later start, as soon as I got out of the theater, I called Shauna. We laughed, we cried, and then we cried some more. It was a day of survival, more than celebration. Our grief was still too fresh during that year of firsts to feel much of anything but pain that day.

The next year, feeling a little stronger, I had started running, and in honor of my best friend, I ran the 5K Starlight run on her birthday. The Starlight run is a race along the parade route right before the nighttime parade that is one of the signature events of Portland's Rose Festival. Back in 1986, Rochelle, Shauna, and I were all part of the marching band and we'd come to Portland and performed in that parade. I wore a birthday cake tiara, shorts honoring my high school alma mater and professing my band nerd status, and a shirt honoring Rochelle as well. After the run, we watched some of the parade then went out to eat and drink with some of my closest friends and my mom. It was a good way to celebrate Rochelle that year!



Last year was a quieter, more subdued celebration. I was in California, not far from where Rochelle lived until she was 8 or so. My nephew's birthday is the day before Rochelle's, so I was celebrating with him. For his day, we had a lot of cupcakes and a party at a gymnastics center. The next day, Rochelle's birthday, we went to see the Giants game and spent some time in San Francisco. It was a fun day, and spending time with my brother and family was wonderful. I think Rochelle would have been happy to see that day.

This year has been rough on me emotionally, with new grief coming my way and relationship challenges with various people in my life. My support team has also shrunk a little. One of my best friends, someone who has been a part of my life for years, isn't able to be there for me this time around. So that sucks. For Rochelle's birthday, I don't have anything in particular planned. Well that's not entirely true. I have a bag of orange slices (her favorite candy) and ice cream. I have copies of Pretty Woman, Steel Magnolias, Top Gun, and Beaches (some of our favorite movies). I have a playlist set up with the songs of our friendship (everything from ABBA to Madonna to Enya). Anyone want to join me for a sentimental movie fest and sugar high? Bonus points if you can sing every song of the soundtracks to those movies. I hate to sing alone.

Happy birthday my dear friend Rochelle. I miss you more than I can ever say. You will always be my very best friend.

by and by

After spending a couple hours with a close friend a few evenings ago, I left for home feeling more content and peaceful than I had in days. I'd had a rough couple of days and my heart was feeling a little torn up, so it was comforting to just sit and be with my friend for a little while.  Back at home, as I was settling in for the night, I put on one of my favorite albums and it wasn't long before my favorite song came up to the plate. As I nodded off with these words in the background, I couldn't help but think of how true this is for our friendship. And for that I am ever thankful.

By and By

~Brett Dennen

Listen close, as close as I am to you
like the bell of liberty I'll ring a sound that's true
days go by and seasons too
in time our love may digress with the words we can renew

I tell you that I
I love you by and by
I don't know if I'd survive
without a friend like you in my life

and I know words can be the worst to purvey
how it is I feel for you it's hard for me to say
but if we keep it simple I think it's better that way
tangled words tend to lead my messages astray

I tell you that I
I love you by and by
and I don't know if I'd survive
without a friend like you in my life

this web we weave holds us hand in hand
and if we loosen our grips we may weaken these strands
so let us reinforce our love and let it echo through the land
if we don't we may find ourselves washed up with the sand

I tell you that I
I love you by and by
and I don't know if I'd survive
without a friend like you in my life

getting out my soapbox

A little bit of relationship advice for anyone who needs it:

Does your partner:

• insult you in public or private?
• check up on where you've been and whom you've talked to?
• criticize your family and friends?
• pressure or force you to have sex when you don't want to?
• limit where you can go and what you can do?
• tell you jealousy is a sign of love?
• prevent you from leaving the house, getting a job or continuing your education?
• destroy your belongings?
• make accusations that you are having an affair?
• touch you in a way that hurts or frightens you?
• harm, scare, or threaten you or your children?

IF you answered YES to any of these questions you could be a victim of domestic abuse and you need to GET HELP NOW!

When I saw this earlier this week on a friend's Facebook wall, I was instantly transported back to a time when I felt completely powerless to help a close friend who was struggling with some of these issues in her relationship with someone who appeared to most people to be a kind, generous, thoughtful man. Thankfully I've never experienced abuse in my own relationships, but I am empathetic toward those who have. And being on the outside, watching someone you care about suffer for falling in love with someone who isn't capable of a trusting, loving relationship is hard to do. But I've found it's always better to speak up or ask questions than to stand by and say nothing.

None of the things above are love. Remember that. Pass the word.

Heartburn - and how I named this blog

There's a movie from the 80's called Heartburn. I haven't seen it in many years, but I remember watching it several times with my best friend Rochelle. We were in high school, and it was a very grown up movie for us to see, not our usual fare of Back to the Future and Can't Buy Me Love.

Carly Simon sang a song for the soundtrack of that movie, and it quickly became a favorite song for both Rochelle and me. The song, Coming Around Again, includes children singing Itsy Bitsy Spider. That song has been a frequent flier in the soundtrack of my life, and my favorite lyric is, "so don't mind if I fall apart, there's more room in a broken heart."

Over the last few months, I've been through a bit of an emotional wringer. Another friend, another cancer, another child left to grow up without his mom, and another husband left without the wife he adored. If you know me, you know I've been down this road. I understand what it's like to lose someone you love. This time, however, it wasn't MY best friend. Instead, it was a family member's best friend, and a lifelong family friend. In some ways, that made it harder.

While I was losing a friend too, I felt the pain that my family member was experiencing . I saw what she would go through before she did. I could anticipate the course of emotions, the frustration, the anger, the helplessness, the worry, the need to drop everything and just be with your friend. And yet, I couldn't totally understand because she deals with life differently than I do. This cancer was different. The families involved had different communication issues. There was tension I hadn't felt when Rochelle was ill and dying.  So, while the stories had similar endings and parallels, they are different.

Regardless, my pain in losing Holly was compounded by the memories and pain it stirred up. Things I'd already dealt with and worked through and scars that were healing from when Rochelle died were ripped open. I felt like I'd taken a giant step backwards, and I suppose in some ways I did. I retreated into comfort mode. Comfort food, comfortable clothes, comfortable couch potato life.

But what does that have to do with this blog? Well, let me tell you. I got sick of being comfortable. I was so comfortable some of my clothes were becoming less so. Nothing too drastic, but my running shoes had not been getting much of a workout and it was showing. So, I made a plan to get myself back on track. I started focusing on my diet again. Back to the gym. But I was having trouble staying motivated and sticking to it. Then I realized I was missing the secret ingredient - my monthly dates for acupuncture.

I made an appointment, and back I went. As I was sitting there, catching up with my acupuncturist, telling her the story of the last few months, she reminded me of how far I've come, even though I've slipped backwards for now. There were several things she said that day that stuck with me. She's good at that - planting seeds of thought. One was a suggestion that I write a blog, because I have a different perspective than a lot of people about grief. So much is written on grief about losing a parent, a child, a spouse. But how much have you seen from a friend's perspective? At the end of the appointment, she said something that hit home so hard I couldn't even speak. She said, "I know it sounds cheesy, but there is more room in a broken heart."

So, I'm here to share my stories. I hope they make you laugh and cry and remember and learn. And when the sun comes out and dries up all the rain...