monday motivation - speak your truth

This isn't the post I was going to write today. But I think it's important enough to change my plans.

I woke up today knowing that I would get to chat with him and looking forward to it, even though I know we aren't exactly on the same relationship page right now. That's just how it is. I love discussing things with this man. It's interesting that with him, I can speak more freely than with anyone else. I know that I can express my wants and needs and wishes and dreams and he doesn't seem to judge them or me. He asks questions in a way that makes me think, and then sometimes, makes me face something I don't necessarily want to admit even to myself. I'm not even sure he realizes what he's doing.

Today, he asked me a fairly simple question. And in just thinking about the answer, a simple truth hit me, and the tears started to roll down my cheeks, and I fell apart.

"What do you want right now?"

The truth is, I want to NOT know how a broken heart feels. Maybe it's the time of year, the upcoming anniversaries of friends lost but never forgotten, but the cracks and wounds left by old heartaches are sore and tender. I wouldn't trade the experiences I've had and the love I've had for anything. But sometimes, I wish I still had the innocent ability to fall in love without reservation and without caution.

liar liar

 

 'Cause someone would be running around half naked right now. 

And that's the truth.

truth and consequence

 

How you treat people matters. Period.

a simple cure

little lies

Is lying a deal breaker in a relationship? How big does a lie have to be before it does irreparable damage? What if they were lying to "protect you from being hurt"? Is staying silent the same as lying?

I have a personal rule for my relationships - no lying. Tell the truth, even if it means a difficult conversation has to happen. If you're in a relationship where you can't tell the truth, can't tell if you're hearing the truth, or that started with a series of lies, such as in an affair, how can you ever really believe in them and feel secure? I don't think you can. You're always looking, always on edge, whether you're the liar or the one being lied to.

I don't lie to those I love, because I know how it feels. I was raised to lead by example and treat others the way I want to be treated. I think a lot of people go around treating people the way they've been treated, and considering how many problems we see with violence and hatred in our culture, that's a nasty spin cycle we've created.

I believe that those I am in relationship with - my family, my friends, my love - are worth the truth. I believe I'm worth it too.

boomerang

When I was a kid and a friend's dad brought back authentic boomerangs from a trip to Australia, we all ran over to the baseball field to practice. He showed us how to throw them - and his always sailed out confidently in a perfect spin, coming right back to him time and time again. We were much less successful. Mine would go out and maybe start to turn back before getting distracted and falling to earth with a thud and a cloud of dust. We tried all summer to master the art of the boomerang.

Oh boy, here we go again!

I've done my share of dating in the last year or two. Meeting guys at the dog park, online, out dancing with friends, and even speed dating. Some were funny, some were kinda weird, some kind of forgettable and uninteresting. Some led to second dates and more, and some never called again. A handful of men stood out for one reason or another. The ones I actually liked. The ones I daydreamed about afterward. The ones who made my heart flutter. Ha! I really gotta figure out the difference between flutter and indigestion!

And then, for one reason or another, they all ended. In some cases, I chose not to continue dating them. "A" was too attached and wanted too much from our relationship too soon. "J" lied to me about too many things, and was also a little pushy. With "E" I went 3 hours out of my way to spend a very special night with him and got stood up, and a little heart broken. With "R" I made an insecure sarcastic comment at the wrong time and a man I'd dreamed of being close to was gone without another word. "S" met someone else at a party - but had the decency and kindness to tell me honestly before we got too serious - and we both walked away peacefully.

I know, that's not all of them who matter, but I'm not ready to talk about those I've left out yet. Some of my stories haven't ended, are just beginning, or are still too painful. After all, we're talking about my heart here. I may joke around, but I am still just a girl looking for love.

The thing is, while all those relationships ended or fizzled out, I've been practicing one rule. To be true to myself. To know what I need, what I want, to be fully my sarcastic, silly, sensitive self. At least this way, I know that if someone walks away, they are walking away from the real me, not someone I pretended to be. And if I push them away, it's because I know they aren't right for me in some way. So I don't regret what I've learned or how I've learned it. I've been truthful and direct with each one about my reasons for moving on.

Then, last week happened. Two of the guys I've moved on from came back around. Wanted to try again. Like a boomerang. Didn't "E" hear me when I said "you won't get another chance to hurt me like that" when he called to explain why he stood me up? And "S" is just feeling the water - am I still interested in being friends? That led to an interesting conversation about what "friends" means. Apparently, we're allowed to go out for ice cream and beer and watch tv sometimes. Oh, and we get to tell jokes and laugh, but no flirting is allowed. And then he proceeded to flirt like it was going out of style. Dang he's cute!

Is this normal male behavior, or does this just happen to me? Apparently, pushing men away with honesty and integrity actually draws them back like a boomerang. Who knew?

friendsday

There is something about sharing a meal with friends that makes my heart sing. Sitting together, reconnecting, sharing the ups and downs of the last few weeks, feeling listened to, gaining perspective from another point of view and sharing my thoughts with them.

I had such a meal today. With a friend I don't see as often as I'd like. Their situation is complicated and they aren't able to spend time with me, or any friends, like they used to.

So when we get a few golden moments and can actually share the same space for a time, it's extra special these days. And as I sit and reflect on my day...I can hear my heart singing a little tune. It might be Wednesday to the rest of the world, but to me it's friendsday.

monday motivation - love

The only way love can last a lifetime is if it's unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love.
  Stephen Kendrick

What is unconditional love? Love given freely, without demand. It is kindness, compassion, honesty, loyalty. Unwavering in its truth, unconditional love doesn't fade. It's not infatuation or romance. It's so much simpler, and so much more meaningful. It can be shared among family, friends, even strangers.

My life is full of unconditional love. For the friends and family who choose to love me unconditionally, I am grateful beyond words. And I choose to love you back, regardless of circumstance or distance. In the quiet of your heart, my friend, know that you are forever loved.

mulligan?

Hey.

I was sleeping soundly when I heard it, the sound of a text coming in. It was late, who could be texting me at this hour? I groggily reached over and grabbed my phone. Opening one eye, I tried to focus on the screen. Maybe I should have grabbed my glasses too. Then everything came into focus at once, and my heart lurched. There it was, three little letters, “Hey” From him.

I don’t often end relationships badly. By the time I break up with someone, we’re usually able to stay friends, or at least friendly. Not this guy. He said horrible things to me as he was tearing me down, accusing me of things I didn’t do, and walking away. I still remember trying to reason with him, to explain that he misunderstood my actions, begging him to hear my explanation, and his response, “No way, I hate you.”

If there was a relationship I could use a mulligan on, it’s him. How I’ve wanted for so long to prove to him that I wasn’t the person he accused me of being. How I wanted to show him what he meant to me, to pull him close and make everything all right. But that bridge was burned, I knew he hated me, he said it so clearly, and I wasn’t going to change his mind. So I let him go. Eventually I moved on. But when he crosses my mind, it’s always with a twinge of regret and bittersweet memories. Very few have ever reached that deep into my soul.

So there it was, a simple “hey.” A door open, just a crack. And my mind went off in a million directions at once. Quick, do a happy dance! Should I play it cool or ask him what the hell he wants? Do I ignore him entirely? Why now, after all this time? Is he okay? Will there be a spark when I see him? Does he even want to see me? How will I ever know what made him reach out to me now? For crying out loud answer the damn text already!

After considerable thought, I responded the only possible way I could to such a message. I said, “Hey, what’s up?” Yup. I totally showed him. Literary genius, that’s me.

It worked. The door opened a little more. We started talking. I don’t know that it’ll go anywhere, but at least the anger and hatred is gone. He said he couldn’t hate me. He knows I was honest. We both apologized for our bad behavior that led to the fight that ended any chance we had. Forgiveness feels good.

No promises have been offered. No plans made. But the door is open. That’s enough for today. My heart is a little lighter.

a few thoughts on writing this blog

Sometimes I wonder who is reading the words I write – I know a couple of you, but not many. I'm always surprised when I look at the stat counter and see how many people have read different posts. I really haven’t told many of my friends and family about this blog. I know that seems counterproductive to growing readership, but so far I think it’s for the best. I haven't hidden it, but I haven't gone out on a self-promotion campaign either.

Someone told me the other day that I am wise. And they weren’t being sarcastic. The best part is that this someone is new in my life. It’s not someone who knows firsthand the heartache I’ve lived with, the pain that’s made me who I am. It’s sweet and flattering to know that he appreciates my perspective on life. And it’s reaffirming to know that my stories have touched someone else’s heart, that the lessons I’ve learned are helpful for someone else.

In general, I’ve found it easier not being aware of who is reading – because I don’t feel the pressure to edit or censor myself. I want to allow myself to be completely honest. I know my own self well enough to know I’d choose different words or filter my stories if I knew certain friends or family members were reading this. I also know that those closest to me would be supportive, they’d comment and encourage and be my cheerleaders, but they do that no matter what I do. I do try not to be disrespectful to those who could someday read my words and recognize themselves here, but my goal is for this blog to reach people who need it. I’m writing from my heart, and I hope it touches yours. Whether you’re someone I already know or not – I’m glad you are here, and I hope you say hi!

an exotic evening

I had a chance to see an advance screening of a new movie last night. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. A most excellent movie. Amazingly full of the stuff of life. Go see it. I can't even pick a favorite character - the casting was spot-on, and each person's story was a brilliant part of the symphony. Just go see it. I'm no movie critic - but this is funny and sad and serious and sweet all at once.

And it's full of little quote gems, like "It will all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." And, "I'm single by choice, just not my choice."

p.s. Judy Densch's character was my favorite. I think.

Intuition

It seems to come out of nowhere. The sinking feeling in my stomach. My worst fears  come to life. There is no hiding from the truth this time. No avoiding it. This is really happening. This moment that I’ve dreaded for months. And yet, as the pounding in my head starts and my stomach knots up, I also realize that I am not really surprised. At some level, I knew this was coming. I was waiting for this moment. My intuition was right again. (Damnit!)

I know I should listen to my intuition. It’s never been wrong. At least not about the big things. Sure, I might have an “intuition” about whether my favorite football team will be undefeated this year or not and I could be right or wrong about that. But when my intuition really speaks to me, it doesn’t lie. No matter what it is – life, death or love.

Too often, the things my intuition tells me aren’t things I want to hear. I don’t want to know that my friend is ill, that death and grief will soon be part of my life again. I don’t want to know that my friend or lover has betrayed me. I want to hide my head in the sand, pretend everything is okay, avoid the pain that this moment of truth will bring me. Because it will be painful – it will hurt. It will take time to heal, it will paralyze me, it will force me to change somehow.

And yet, sometimes, my intuition tells me good things. Hopeful things. When I realize that this person I just met is going to be a wonderfully significant addition to my life, and could change me in ways I can’t even imagine yet. The knowledge that a lifelong dream may be on the verge of coming true is powerful stuff. It’s still scary and gut wrenching and sometimes a little paralyzing, but in a good way.

How do you know when to listen to your intuition? How can you tell when it’s just your own fears and hopes and you’re over-projecting them to avoid acknowledging the truth about a situation? Just trying to stay in denial a little longer? I certainly don’t have the answers. I do know that I am braver about listening to that voice inside when it’s telling me good news instead of bad. However, I also know that my intuition has a good track record of being right about the bad news.

Maybe intuition is my heart and soul’s disaster warning system? Danger ahead! Prepare for evacuation or battle! Will you run for the hills or stand up and fight?

Several years ago, my best friend Shauna was coming home for a visit. She’d just announced her pregnancy so we were throwing a shower for her while she was home, because we knew we wouldn’t see her again until after the baby was born. She got a call from her doctor the morning before the shower, asking her to schedule another ultrasound as soon as she returned, because “there was some unusual things on her last exam, and they just want to be sure nothing is wrong.” When she told me this, my heart sank, but we put on our happy faces and helped her get through the shower. In the coming weeks, we’d learn more about Trisomy 18 than anyone should ever have to. Jackson was stillborn some weeks later. Intuition=1, Sheryl=0

A few months after my best friend Rochelle’s symptoms started, and shortly after her first hospitalization for uncontrollable pain, she called me after a doctor’s visit. “They found it,” she said. “It’s cancer.” I know that none of us were surprised – at that point, we all suspected it. But to hear the words so clearly made my heart stop. It’s cancer. From the moment her first symptoms appeared to the day we said goodbye was less than six months. Intuition=2, Sheryl=0.

Can you blame me for not wanting to listen to my intuition sometimes? Why bother – it’s just going to tell me bad news – why not put it off to the last possible moment? But I’ve found that when I do listen to the warning signs, when I face it early on, when I acknowledge that I’m scared, it somehow makes it easier to face. I know that Shauna appreciated us being scared right along with her – that it helped her when she had to face the worst news an expectant mother could face. I know that I’m better off having faced my worst fears when Rochelle was sick and dying, and that my life is, in the long run, richer for having been so involved in her last months of life. For standing next to her as she faced death, even when it was the last thing I wanted to do. Those moments were painful, they changed who I am. But I think that having my intuition warn me ahead of time helped me prepare. It helped me face the facts with my warrior gear on.

Looking at it that way, I think I'll take a moment of intuition over a blindside any day of the week. Don't make me wear my emotional armor 24/7. Let me take it off for a while in between battles. My heart and soul appreciate the rest. May your intuition guide you and protect you too.

first class relationship

Recently, I had a rare conversation with my best friend who has three small children. It was rare because she is never alone and can’t always talk freely without someone overhearing. I can’t imagine that she gets much privacy on a regular basis. It was also rare because we were both so honest about what was happening in our lives. There are few people in the world I trust with those conversations, and she is at the top of the list.

Part of the conversation included catching up on a recent trip they’d taken. Her husband had made the travel arrangements. He travels frequently and gets upgraded to first class automatically. When they got to the airport, instead of asking for both of them to be upgraded, he took his first class seat and let his wife sit in coach with an empty seat beside her. By the way, the difference between their seats was about five rows. She could see him the entire flight. While this isn’t terribly surprising to those of us who know him (he can be a bit self-centered), this did hit a new threshold of rudeness. At one point she said, “maybe I’m just a visual learner, but it was a clear picture of how he treats our entire relationship. He’ll never see me on the same level as him.”

The honesty of that statement took us both by surprise. The bell of truth certainly rings a pure clean sound. And, as we both laughed at the craziness of the scenario like you’d laugh at a sitcom (I can see Valerie Bertinelli playing her perfectly!), the fact is, she was right. That made me a little sad, because of all she’s been through in their marriage. And so, I offered her these words of encouragement:

I wish for you to know, once and for all, that you are worthy. Worthy of love and honor. Worthy of trust and devotion. I wish for you to know that taking care of yourself is the first priority and when you do that, your children will grow up to be as self-sufficient, loving, giving and understanding as you are. I wish for you to know the difference between being a nice person and being a doormat. To feel the joy of a pure and accepting love, without conditions, control, judgment or violations of your privacy. To know the freedom that complete trust in your partner can bring. To know that simply being yourself is all that you need to do. I wish for you to know that as your friend, I will be your champion and I will remind you of these things from now to the end of time.

Finally, I wish for you to find someone who adores and accepts you for who you are. How do you know when you’ve found that? He won’t sit in first class while you’re sitting in coach. I wish this for you. And I wish it for all my friends.

monday motivation - truth

How about a little motivational quote for a Monday morning?