little lies

Is lying a deal breaker in a relationship? How big does a lie have to be before it does irreparable damage? What if they were lying to "protect you from being hurt"? Is staying silent the same as lying?

I have a personal rule for my relationships - no lying. Tell the truth, even if it means a difficult conversation has to happen. If you're in a relationship where you can't tell the truth, can't tell if you're hearing the truth, or that started with a series of lies, such as in an affair, how can you ever really believe in them and feel secure? I don't think you can. You're always looking, always on edge, whether you're the liar or the one being lied to.

I don't lie to those I love, because I know how it feels. I was raised to lead by example and treat others the way I want to be treated. I think a lot of people go around treating people the way they've been treated, and considering how many problems we see with violence and hatred in our culture, that's a nasty spin cycle we've created.

I believe that those I am in relationship with - my family, my friends, my love - are worth the truth. I believe I'm worth it too.

monday motivation - love

The only way love can last a lifetime is if it's unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love.
  Stephen Kendrick

What is unconditional love? Love given freely, without demand. It is kindness, compassion, honesty, loyalty. Unwavering in its truth, unconditional love doesn't fade. It's not infatuation or romance. It's so much simpler, and so much more meaningful. It can be shared among family, friends, even strangers.

My life is full of unconditional love. For the friends and family who choose to love me unconditionally, I am grateful beyond words. And I choose to love you back, regardless of circumstance or distance. In the quiet of your heart, my friend, know that you are forever loved.

a different brand of crazy

A few weeks ago, I met a new guy. He seemed great. Cute, liked to dance, maybe a little rusty at this game of dating, sweet, and best of all – he really liked me! It’s been a long time since a man called me beautiful and doted on me. Those first moments were blissful and exciting!

And as the days went on, the shiny wore off, like cheap silver plate. As he shared more of himself with me, he held nothing back. He laid all his baggage at my feet, the good and the bad. While a part of me can appreciate his utter honesty about the life he’s led, I prefer to learn those things about someone over time. I was a bit overwhelmed, but since none of the things I’d learned were deal breakers by themselves, I decided to push on and write it off to his enthusiasm for a budding relationship.

Under the shiny exterior, as I started learning more about him, I caught glimpses of the yellow and red flags that would eventually light my way to the exit. I know I’m picky about dating guys. My friends tease me about how fast I can spot a fatal flaw in a relationship. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve held bets on how long it would take me to find it with some of the guys I’ve dated. I wonder what the odds are in Vegas on that?

I honestly wasn’t looking for the fatal flaws. I never do. But there are deal breakers for me in relationships, and when I spot one, I’m not going to waste my time or his. I’m a “rip the band aid off fast” girl. Life is short, and I’m not spending one more minute being miserable than I have to.

So when he started displaying signs of controlling and insecure behavior, the red lights started flashing. Asking me to cancel plans with a friend in order to meet his friends is a big no no in my book. And shortly after, the insecure, needy texts – Where are you? Did you get my text? Why aren’t you answering? Did I say something to offend you? I really like you, why aren’t you answering me? I don’t know why you aren’t answering – maybe my texts aren’t coming through?

No kidding. One night. All those texts and more. I’m not even sure how many phone calls there were because after the first three texts came within an hour or two, I shut my phone off and went to the movies. By myself. Best date night ever. The next morning I broke up with him. I knew that if he needed constant contact, reassurance and control over my time, I’d quickly feel smothered and resentful. No matter how much I like someone, I still need to be me in a relationship.

I know none of us are confident in ourselves 100% of the time. We all have insecure moments. But at least I can recognize my insecurity rising and have learned how to handle those moments without derailing my relationships. I’d say that I wish other people would figure that out as well, but then I wouldn’t get to write blogs about my crazy dating life. Remember the clam chowder incident? Oh, I’ll tell you about it sometime...

Intuition

It seems to come out of nowhere. The sinking feeling in my stomach. My worst fears  come to life. There is no hiding from the truth this time. No avoiding it. This is really happening. This moment that I’ve dreaded for months. And yet, as the pounding in my head starts and my stomach knots up, I also realize that I am not really surprised. At some level, I knew this was coming. I was waiting for this moment. My intuition was right again. (Damnit!)

I know I should listen to my intuition. It’s never been wrong. At least not about the big things. Sure, I might have an “intuition” about whether my favorite football team will be undefeated this year or not and I could be right or wrong about that. But when my intuition really speaks to me, it doesn’t lie. No matter what it is – life, death or love.

Too often, the things my intuition tells me aren’t things I want to hear. I don’t want to know that my friend is ill, that death and grief will soon be part of my life again. I don’t want to know that my friend or lover has betrayed me. I want to hide my head in the sand, pretend everything is okay, avoid the pain that this moment of truth will bring me. Because it will be painful – it will hurt. It will take time to heal, it will paralyze me, it will force me to change somehow.

And yet, sometimes, my intuition tells me good things. Hopeful things. When I realize that this person I just met is going to be a wonderfully significant addition to my life, and could change me in ways I can’t even imagine yet. The knowledge that a lifelong dream may be on the verge of coming true is powerful stuff. It’s still scary and gut wrenching and sometimes a little paralyzing, but in a good way.

How do you know when to listen to your intuition? How can you tell when it’s just your own fears and hopes and you’re over-projecting them to avoid acknowledging the truth about a situation? Just trying to stay in denial a little longer? I certainly don’t have the answers. I do know that I am braver about listening to that voice inside when it’s telling me good news instead of bad. However, I also know that my intuition has a good track record of being right about the bad news.

Maybe intuition is my heart and soul’s disaster warning system? Danger ahead! Prepare for evacuation or battle! Will you run for the hills or stand up and fight?

Several years ago, my best friend Shauna was coming home for a visit. She’d just announced her pregnancy so we were throwing a shower for her while she was home, because we knew we wouldn’t see her again until after the baby was born. She got a call from her doctor the morning before the shower, asking her to schedule another ultrasound as soon as she returned, because “there was some unusual things on her last exam, and they just want to be sure nothing is wrong.” When she told me this, my heart sank, but we put on our happy faces and helped her get through the shower. In the coming weeks, we’d learn more about Trisomy 18 than anyone should ever have to. Jackson was stillborn some weeks later. Intuition=1, Sheryl=0

A few months after my best friend Rochelle’s symptoms started, and shortly after her first hospitalization for uncontrollable pain, she called me after a doctor’s visit. “They found it,” she said. “It’s cancer.” I know that none of us were surprised – at that point, we all suspected it. But to hear the words so clearly made my heart stop. It’s cancer. From the moment her first symptoms appeared to the day we said goodbye was less than six months. Intuition=2, Sheryl=0.

Can you blame me for not wanting to listen to my intuition sometimes? Why bother – it’s just going to tell me bad news – why not put it off to the last possible moment? But I’ve found that when I do listen to the warning signs, when I face it early on, when I acknowledge that I’m scared, it somehow makes it easier to face. I know that Shauna appreciated us being scared right along with her – that it helped her when she had to face the worst news an expectant mother could face. I know that I’m better off having faced my worst fears when Rochelle was sick and dying, and that my life is, in the long run, richer for having been so involved in her last months of life. For standing next to her as she faced death, even when it was the last thing I wanted to do. Those moments were painful, they changed who I am. But I think that having my intuition warn me ahead of time helped me prepare. It helped me face the facts with my warrior gear on.

Looking at it that way, I think I'll take a moment of intuition over a blindside any day of the week. Don't make me wear my emotional armor 24/7. Let me take it off for a while in between battles. My heart and soul appreciate the rest. May your intuition guide you and protect you too.