fill 'er up

I've noticed a common thread in my conversations with friends and loved ones in the last week or so - trust. It still strikes me a little funny that they all think the single girl is good for relationship advice, but, hey, I'll give it a shot.

The truth is I've struggled quite a bit with trusting men after being cheated on in past relationships. So, I'm not quick to let my guard down and make myself vulnerable to being hurt. But just because someone in my past hurt me doesn't mean the next guy will. I have to remind myself of that sometimes in order to give a new relationship a chance. While still listening to my intuition, of course!

Some people treat trust like it's a thing. Not me. In my world, trust is a verb. It is an action, a choice I make each and every day. When it's been broken, the choice is harder. In fact, in my experience, it's pretty much the end of the relationship. When your partner doesn't trust you, can you really move past that? Can you fully love someone who doesn't believe in you? I can't. Feeling my partner's support and trust is vital to me in order to feel loved. I would almost say that trust is one of the best ways a man can show me he loves me, because then I know I'm getting to see the real person, the vulnerable and lovable man.

The only flaw in the car analogy above is that cars only have one gas tank. Relationships have two trust tanks, one for you and one for them. You're either filling up the gas tanks of your relationship with trust, or you're siphoning it out. You give trust to your loved one in your actions and words all day every day. You can add gas to the tank of trust by honoring your loved one's freedom, individuality, friendship, and time. And you can take gas out of the tank with every undeserved, jealous or insecure question or comment about how they spend their time or peek at their email or phone, and other invasions of privacy.

Some people believe jealousy is a sign of love. Real love involves trust and communication, not accusations and snooping. Signs you have a problem with jealousy include:
-- Calling your partner multiple times to check up
-- Becoming overly upset when your partner is unavailable
-- Feeling compelled to track your partner's every minute of time
-- Feeling tempted to flirt with others just to "show" a supposedly cheating partner
-- Interpreting a partner's fatigue, illness, or distraction as a sign that you are not loved
-- Compulsions to snoop into a partner's e-mail, cell phone records or other private communications

source

The tricky thing about trust is that it's totally up to you. You choose how much trust to put in your relationship's gas tank. I'm not saying you should place trust in a tank that has a big ol' leak and doesn't deserve it. Some guys (or girls) aren't ever going to be worthy of your trust, and you should walk away. Just remember you both have a gas tank to fill. You can fill his up by trusting him, but if he's not filling yours and trusting you, you still aren't getting anywhere.

I plan on going places with my full tanks of gas! Fill 'er up!

a different brand of crazy

A few weeks ago, I met a new guy. He seemed great. Cute, liked to dance, maybe a little rusty at this game of dating, sweet, and best of all – he really liked me! It’s been a long time since a man called me beautiful and doted on me. Those first moments were blissful and exciting!

And as the days went on, the shiny wore off, like cheap silver plate. As he shared more of himself with me, he held nothing back. He laid all his baggage at my feet, the good and the bad. While a part of me can appreciate his utter honesty about the life he’s led, I prefer to learn those things about someone over time. I was a bit overwhelmed, but since none of the things I’d learned were deal breakers by themselves, I decided to push on and write it off to his enthusiasm for a budding relationship.

Under the shiny exterior, as I started learning more about him, I caught glimpses of the yellow and red flags that would eventually light my way to the exit. I know I’m picky about dating guys. My friends tease me about how fast I can spot a fatal flaw in a relationship. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve held bets on how long it would take me to find it with some of the guys I’ve dated. I wonder what the odds are in Vegas on that?

I honestly wasn’t looking for the fatal flaws. I never do. But there are deal breakers for me in relationships, and when I spot one, I’m not going to waste my time or his. I’m a “rip the band aid off fast” girl. Life is short, and I’m not spending one more minute being miserable than I have to.

So when he started displaying signs of controlling and insecure behavior, the red lights started flashing. Asking me to cancel plans with a friend in order to meet his friends is a big no no in my book. And shortly after, the insecure, needy texts – Where are you? Did you get my text? Why aren’t you answering? Did I say something to offend you? I really like you, why aren’t you answering me? I don’t know why you aren’t answering – maybe my texts aren’t coming through?

No kidding. One night. All those texts and more. I’m not even sure how many phone calls there were because after the first three texts came within an hour or two, I shut my phone off and went to the movies. By myself. Best date night ever. The next morning I broke up with him. I knew that if he needed constant contact, reassurance and control over my time, I’d quickly feel smothered and resentful. No matter how much I like someone, I still need to be me in a relationship.

I know none of us are confident in ourselves 100% of the time. We all have insecure moments. But at least I can recognize my insecurity rising and have learned how to handle those moments without derailing my relationships. I’d say that I wish other people would figure that out as well, but then I wouldn’t get to write blogs about my crazy dating life. Remember the clam chowder incident? Oh, I’ll tell you about it sometime...

Intuition

It seems to come out of nowhere. The sinking feeling in my stomach. My worst fears  come to life. There is no hiding from the truth this time. No avoiding it. This is really happening. This moment that I’ve dreaded for months. And yet, as the pounding in my head starts and my stomach knots up, I also realize that I am not really surprised. At some level, I knew this was coming. I was waiting for this moment. My intuition was right again. (Damnit!)

I know I should listen to my intuition. It’s never been wrong. At least not about the big things. Sure, I might have an “intuition” about whether my favorite football team will be undefeated this year or not and I could be right or wrong about that. But when my intuition really speaks to me, it doesn’t lie. No matter what it is – life, death or love.

Too often, the things my intuition tells me aren’t things I want to hear. I don’t want to know that my friend is ill, that death and grief will soon be part of my life again. I don’t want to know that my friend or lover has betrayed me. I want to hide my head in the sand, pretend everything is okay, avoid the pain that this moment of truth will bring me. Because it will be painful – it will hurt. It will take time to heal, it will paralyze me, it will force me to change somehow.

And yet, sometimes, my intuition tells me good things. Hopeful things. When I realize that this person I just met is going to be a wonderfully significant addition to my life, and could change me in ways I can’t even imagine yet. The knowledge that a lifelong dream may be on the verge of coming true is powerful stuff. It’s still scary and gut wrenching and sometimes a little paralyzing, but in a good way.

How do you know when to listen to your intuition? How can you tell when it’s just your own fears and hopes and you’re over-projecting them to avoid acknowledging the truth about a situation? Just trying to stay in denial a little longer? I certainly don’t have the answers. I do know that I am braver about listening to that voice inside when it’s telling me good news instead of bad. However, I also know that my intuition has a good track record of being right about the bad news.

Maybe intuition is my heart and soul’s disaster warning system? Danger ahead! Prepare for evacuation or battle! Will you run for the hills or stand up and fight?

Several years ago, my best friend Shauna was coming home for a visit. She’d just announced her pregnancy so we were throwing a shower for her while she was home, because we knew we wouldn’t see her again until after the baby was born. She got a call from her doctor the morning before the shower, asking her to schedule another ultrasound as soon as she returned, because “there was some unusual things on her last exam, and they just want to be sure nothing is wrong.” When she told me this, my heart sank, but we put on our happy faces and helped her get through the shower. In the coming weeks, we’d learn more about Trisomy 18 than anyone should ever have to. Jackson was stillborn some weeks later. Intuition=1, Sheryl=0

A few months after my best friend Rochelle’s symptoms started, and shortly after her first hospitalization for uncontrollable pain, she called me after a doctor’s visit. “They found it,” she said. “It’s cancer.” I know that none of us were surprised – at that point, we all suspected it. But to hear the words so clearly made my heart stop. It’s cancer. From the moment her first symptoms appeared to the day we said goodbye was less than six months. Intuition=2, Sheryl=0.

Can you blame me for not wanting to listen to my intuition sometimes? Why bother – it’s just going to tell me bad news – why not put it off to the last possible moment? But I’ve found that when I do listen to the warning signs, when I face it early on, when I acknowledge that I’m scared, it somehow makes it easier to face. I know that Shauna appreciated us being scared right along with her – that it helped her when she had to face the worst news an expectant mother could face. I know that I’m better off having faced my worst fears when Rochelle was sick and dying, and that my life is, in the long run, richer for having been so involved in her last months of life. For standing next to her as she faced death, even when it was the last thing I wanted to do. Those moments were painful, they changed who I am. But I think that having my intuition warn me ahead of time helped me prepare. It helped me face the facts with my warrior gear on.

Looking at it that way, I think I'll take a moment of intuition over a blindside any day of the week. Don't make me wear my emotional armor 24/7. Let me take it off for a while in between battles. My heart and soul appreciate the rest. May your intuition guide you and protect you too.

40 things I’ve learned – a collection of personal observations, truthsand some quotes that have shaped me into the person I am

I recently turned 40. A milestone event for sure, but not traumatic as many would want you to believe. I feel stronger, healthier, more centered at 40 than at almost any time in my life. My life is in no way perfect, but it is generally good. I came up with a list of 40 things that make up "me" and wanted to share them with you. Who am I kidding? This is my first blog post - no one is reading it yet...

1. “Should” is a word that we use too often.


2. The rhyme we learned as children “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” isn’t necessarily true. Words can hurt. It’s what we choose to do when someone uses a hurtful word that means the most.


3. A lifetime’s not too long to live as friends.


4. Sometimes, boys are stupid. I’m not saying girls aren’t, but you can write your own list if you want to say that.


5. Laughter heals. So do tears.


6. You can love someone with all your heart and they can still walk away.


7. “Don't pole vault over mouse turds.” Excellent advice about keeping life simple and not overdoing things if it's not necessary.


8. I hope I’m never too old to remember what it’s like to be a kid.


9. "A bad habit never disappears miraculously; it's an undo-it-yourself project."– Abigail Van Buren


10. I really am stronger than I think I am sometimes.


11. Watching the news is not good for my outlook on humanity. Watching children play is.


12.  Chocolate and peanut butter will always be my favorite flavor.


13. Grief is hard work. And even when you’ve walked it yourself, you don’t know what someone else’s path through it will be like.


14. “You don’t get to choose how you are going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you are going to live. Now.” - Joan Baez


15. Just because I like plants doesn’t mean I have a green thumb.


16. My dog has taught me more about myself than I thought possible.


17. Qualifying an apology with an excuse destroys the apology. Never say, “I’m sorry, but…”


18. "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." Mother Teresa


19. Having a friend who will look you in the eye and tell you something you don’t want to hear, especially when it’s something you need to hear in order to grow, is a gift.


20. Popcorn and wine for dinner is okay once in a while.


21. Action is as important as words.


22. "The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself."– Anna Quindlen


23. I’m extremely grateful for my childhood, my hometown, and the community I grew up in. Even if I tell stories that make it sound otherwise sometimes.


24. Self esteem is not about anyone but me. It’s not friend esteem, or job esteem, or family esteem, or physical appearance esteem. No one else is responsible for how I feel about myself.


25. “We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” – Dr. Seuss


26. It’s possible that I watch too much tv.


27. The poem “Live with intention” by Mary Anne Radmacher changed my life.


28. I don’t keep track of how many best friends I have – but there are a lot of them. I’m lucky that way.


29. Life isn’t always fair.


30. Sometimes, you just need to get out the paper, scissors, and glue and have a craft day.


31. The smell of juniper, sage brush, and pine all together smells more like home than anything I know.


32. “Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit." --E.E. Cummings


33. Being single doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you or that you’re incomplete. It can be a blessing at times. I’m one of the happiest people I know. I can paint my walls any color I like and buy new towels whenever I want.


34. Nothing beats a good belly laugh. Especially one that involves snorting and crying.


35. If you don’t end up with marshmallow in your hair, you aren’t making s’mores correctly.


36. When I was about 6 years old, a dear family friend told me I had music in my heart, and I should always remember to listen to it and sing my own song.


37.  If you think you want to run a marathon, go cheer on a friend at mile 21. If you want to feel that “good,” go ahead and sign up.


38. “Time is all you have. And you may find one day that you have less than you think.” – Randy Pausch


39. Avoiding telling someone the truth because you don’t want to hurt them does more damage than telling them.


40. “Live imperfectly with great delight.” – Leigh Standley (Curly Girl Design)