everything changed and it's all the same

Last week, I was having a conversation with a close friend about my love life. We sat there discussing the latest rollercoaster I was on, and the ups and downs I’ve been through in recent weeks, and the fact that I have a set of boomerangs that keep coming back every 4-6 months. Note to self - if this keeps happening, perhaps we should change the boomerang analogy to satellites. Taking leaps of faith and opening my heart to new adventures in love can be taxing at times. At one point, he mentioned how much my search for finding the right man for me has changed over the years that he’s known me.

I didn’t know what he meant at first. Seriously – I started looking for a good man and I’m still looking for one. Nothing has changed. I told him just that.

Later, as I thought about it some more, I realized exactly how right he was. Everything about my search has changed, even while my end goal has stayed the same. I nearly called him late that night to tell him he was right, but I don’t want to give him too much of an ego!

Once upon a time, in my twenties, I wanted a husband, a couple of kids, and a white picket fence life. I’d bake cookies, run to football games or piano practice, and we’d have dinner together every night. I wanted a tall, good looking man who loved country music and sports, who would play games with the kids and take me out dancing on Saturday nights. The list kept going…

As time rolls on, I realize that I will probably not have children of my own, I eat popcorn and wine for dinner some nights, and I run to happy hour and spend time laughing with friends. I’m still looking for someone to build a life with, but it's a different sort of life. In fact, as I look at where I am now, I wonder a little what would have happened if I'd stuck it out with a few of my exes - the one who didn't want kids, the one who wasn't ready to settle down, or who pushed me in directions I was convinced I didn't want to go. Would they smile and laugh, seeing that now, after all this time, I've chosen the same direction myself? I just wasn't ready for them then. But, if they could see me now...

I’ve dated good guys and bad boys. Men who were intellectual and could literally discuss rocket science, and men who barely graduated high school and whose bodies show how physically intense their work is, whether it’s raising cattle, fighting wild fires or building houses. Athletes and geeks. You name a type, I’ve probably at least gone on one date with a guy like that.

I have done a really good job of finding out what I don’t want. And in turn, finding out what I really do. It took me a long time to realize, and even longer to be ready to talk about the things I need in a relationship.

The crappy part about knowing what I really need now? It makes finding him even harder. In general, the qualities I’m looking for are similar to my original list, but they are much more refined. It’s like the high definition version of the list from my twenties. There were things I wanted back then that I described in physical qualities and facts. The list now is much more about finding a man with the right character and personality for me. Really, I don’t care as much about his physical features as I do about whether he makes me feel like a woman standing next to him. I won't lie though - I do like them tall. I don’t care about what he does for a living, but I do care about his work ethic. It doesn’t matter if he loves country music, as much as it matters that something evokes his passionate side like music, dancing and writing does for me.

In the last year of dating, as my list of wants and needs has evolved, I’ve come across a few men who started checking things off the list. The new list! It’s refreshing and so welcome. It gives me hope that I’m on the right track. Have I already met him, are we already friends, or is he still someone unknown? Time will tell. And so I keep on searching, to find the one with whom my heart belongs. 

what's the difference...

...between compromising and settling?

I'd like to say I have it figured out and I know the answer, but I'm not sure I do.

So, there's this guy I REALLY like. And we get along like peaches and cream, chocolate and peanut butter, Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert. You know... really great and pretty amazing by themselves, but somehow when you put them together... TA DA!

The story from here, should say, "and he thought she was pretty amazing too, and they went and did amazing things together and many years passed..." But it doesn't. Not yet. I mean, I think it still could someday.

There are just a few things we don't necessarily agree on. And they're kind of big ticket items, for me anyway. So I'm stalling. I'm hesitating to take the next step, because I'm not sure what direction to go. Do I cut and run? Do I stand my ground? Or do I let him have his way?

And here is my struggle... In my bones, I feel an intense connection with this man. He understands me like very few ever have. If I give in, and let him have his way on the things we are currently disagreeing on, am I compromising or settling? Is it really a compromise when it feels like I'm doing all the giving, and he has not budged on anything? And is settling what I want to do? God knows I've done that, and ended up with a pretty badly beaten heart out of it.

Yet when I look at the alternative, at walking away, my heart slams on the brakes before I even move. Don't give up yet, it says.

So, how will we bridge the gap? Will we find the way to be together that meets both our needs and builds on the chemistry and attraction we already have? I hope so. My heart hopes so. My intuition says there's a way. I just need to find the compromise that works without feeling like either of us are settling.

Wish us luck.

vintage

I love me some vintage furniture. Rambling around my favorite vintage store today with a friend, we found some great finds. Things that have a history, a story, show their use and love and are built of quality material have always appealed to me.

When it comes to relationships, I appreciate certain vintage traits as well. I enjoy a man who is made of quality, who has character and personality, who stands the test of time. Sure, we all have quirks, and different things appeal to different people. I prefer a more rustic vintage than hipster. Clean cut more than shabby. I go for sporty over sophisticated, and relaxed over formal. Pet friendly and easy to live with. And I don't want someone pretending to be a vintage that he's not. He has to be true and honestly the vintage I'm looking for, not a wannabe or faker.

After all, I'd hate to invest in that really amazing looking enamel table, and after it's made it's way into the heart of my home, find out it was made in China two years ago and lied to me about it's authenticity. I'd never be able to enjoy a meal there again, knowing it had cheated me from the very beginning.

So, I left the table at the store. Let it cheat someone else. This girl is extremely happy with her new rack anyway. Pot rack that is. I'm pretty sure he can hang with the best of them!

funny thing about boomerangs... they come back

A few weeks ago, I wrote about boomerangs and men. Little did I know, that post was premature. Maybe it’s Australian new year, and this is the year of the boomerang? 

It’s true. There have been more boomerangs, er, I mean men, coming around again. First up is “D,” the guy with whom I had the shortest fling ever between Christmas and New Years. He lives in another state and was just here visiting, so we both knew it wasn’t going anywhere. It’s still not, but apparently I’m the only one who remembers that. I have to remind him when he calls me every couple weeks.

And when I was in California a few days later, just as I lay my head down one night… Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Five texts coming in. Yes. Five. And there is an apology that spans five texts. From “J,” the crazy guy. Guess he didn’t have the ability to send me a crate of doves and two dozen roses via text. If you weren’t sure about how I feel about this one – five texts in a row. At midnight. Nine months after his crazy text rampage that caused me to end the relationship just as it was getting off the ground.

A couple days later, “B” and “A” both text me – guys I had one date with and never saw again. Move along, gentlemen. I have.

And then, the super boomerang. The one who walked away from me. It hurt more than I can really admit, even now, months later. The morning he told me off, told me not to contact him again, I didn’t cry. I was numb. I didn’t feel a thing. If I allowed myself to feel the sting, it meant I cared. And if I cared, then that was just dumb of me, because he was capable of dismissing me so easily. So I simply didn’t feel it.

And then suddenly he was back. Along with a boatload of feelings bursting through the floodgates. I’m hurt, pissed off, confused, But I was also ridiculously happy to hear from him, and I'm afraid it’s turned me into a bit of a mess. I’ve missed talking to him so much.

I wish we could just pick up where we left off, and start moving forward again, but life isn’t that simple. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I just know that I’ve never wanted to punch someone and kiss them at the same time so much. To think that he once called me ambivalent. Ha! But when a man tells you you’re clever and intelligent and sexy, you really want to listen to him. He could be telling the truth.

Boomerang? Or maybe, just maybe… to be continued…

catfishing for birds?

I've been watching the show Catfish recently. It's a fascinating view into online dating and pardonmyfrench scumbags who prey on people who are (mostly) honest in their search for love. Apparently I'm picking up some great tips to help screen online dates. One of the tools Nev uses to help figure out each "catfishes" true identify is Google image search.

Since I started using it (it's super easy by the way), I've come across guys who used a picture of a Latin singer, a former New Kid On The Block, and a songwriter/pianist.

One feature I've seen is that if the image search can't identify the person, it does offer some suggestions of similar photographs that might include the image you're searching for. And tonight, it made me laugh from the bottom of my soul.

I was searching a few images of a guy who I agreed to meet for coffee soon. One of his pictures was just a shot of him wearing a red shirt, sitting on a couch. The Google image search suggested that this image might be similar to the one I was looking for:

Yep. Angry birds. My next coffee date's doppelganger is angry birds. How the heck am I supposed to keep a straight face now?

boomerang

When I was a kid and a friend's dad brought back authentic boomerangs from a trip to Australia, we all ran over to the baseball field to practice. He showed us how to throw them - and his always sailed out confidently in a perfect spin, coming right back to him time and time again. We were much less successful. Mine would go out and maybe start to turn back before getting distracted and falling to earth with a thud and a cloud of dust. We tried all summer to master the art of the boomerang.

Oh boy, here we go again!

I've done my share of dating in the last year or two. Meeting guys at the dog park, online, out dancing with friends, and even speed dating. Some were funny, some were kinda weird, some kind of forgettable and uninteresting. Some led to second dates and more, and some never called again. A handful of men stood out for one reason or another. The ones I actually liked. The ones I daydreamed about afterward. The ones who made my heart flutter. Ha! I really gotta figure out the difference between flutter and indigestion!

And then, for one reason or another, they all ended. In some cases, I chose not to continue dating them. "A" was too attached and wanted too much from our relationship too soon. "J" lied to me about too many things, and was also a little pushy. With "E" I went 3 hours out of my way to spend a very special night with him and got stood up, and a little heart broken. With "R" I made an insecure sarcastic comment at the wrong time and a man I'd dreamed of being close to was gone without another word. "S" met someone else at a party - but had the decency and kindness to tell me honestly before we got too serious - and we both walked away peacefully.

I know, that's not all of them who matter, but I'm not ready to talk about those I've left out yet. Some of my stories haven't ended, are just beginning, or are still too painful. After all, we're talking about my heart here. I may joke around, but I am still just a girl looking for love.

The thing is, while all those relationships ended or fizzled out, I've been practicing one rule. To be true to myself. To know what I need, what I want, to be fully my sarcastic, silly, sensitive self. At least this way, I know that if someone walks away, they are walking away from the real me, not someone I pretended to be. And if I push them away, it's because I know they aren't right for me in some way. So I don't regret what I've learned or how I've learned it. I've been truthful and direct with each one about my reasons for moving on.

Then, last week happened. Two of the guys I've moved on from came back around. Wanted to try again. Like a boomerang. Didn't "E" hear me when I said "you won't get another chance to hurt me like that" when he called to explain why he stood me up? And "S" is just feeling the water - am I still interested in being friends? That led to an interesting conversation about what "friends" means. Apparently, we're allowed to go out for ice cream and beer and watch tv sometimes. Oh, and we get to tell jokes and laugh, but no flirting is allowed. And then he proceeded to flirt like it was going out of style. Dang he's cute!

Is this normal male behavior, or does this just happen to me? Apparently, pushing men away with honesty and integrity actually draws them back like a boomerang. Who knew?

fill 'er up

I've noticed a common thread in my conversations with friends and loved ones in the last week or so - trust. It still strikes me a little funny that they all think the single girl is good for relationship advice, but, hey, I'll give it a shot.

The truth is I've struggled quite a bit with trusting men after being cheated on in past relationships. So, I'm not quick to let my guard down and make myself vulnerable to being hurt. But just because someone in my past hurt me doesn't mean the next guy will. I have to remind myself of that sometimes in order to give a new relationship a chance. While still listening to my intuition, of course!

Some people treat trust like it's a thing. Not me. In my world, trust is a verb. It is an action, a choice I make each and every day. When it's been broken, the choice is harder. In fact, in my experience, it's pretty much the end of the relationship. When your partner doesn't trust you, can you really move past that? Can you fully love someone who doesn't believe in you? I can't. Feeling my partner's support and trust is vital to me in order to feel loved. I would almost say that trust is one of the best ways a man can show me he loves me, because then I know I'm getting to see the real person, the vulnerable and lovable man.

The only flaw in the car analogy above is that cars only have one gas tank. Relationships have two trust tanks, one for you and one for them. You're either filling up the gas tanks of your relationship with trust, or you're siphoning it out. You give trust to your loved one in your actions and words all day every day. You can add gas to the tank of trust by honoring your loved one's freedom, individuality, friendship, and time. And you can take gas out of the tank with every undeserved, jealous or insecure question or comment about how they spend their time or peek at their email or phone, and other invasions of privacy.

Some people believe jealousy is a sign of love. Real love involves trust and communication, not accusations and snooping. Signs you have a problem with jealousy include:
-- Calling your partner multiple times to check up
-- Becoming overly upset when your partner is unavailable
-- Feeling compelled to track your partner's every minute of time
-- Feeling tempted to flirt with others just to "show" a supposedly cheating partner
-- Interpreting a partner's fatigue, illness, or distraction as a sign that you are not loved
-- Compulsions to snoop into a partner's e-mail, cell phone records or other private communications

source

The tricky thing about trust is that it's totally up to you. You choose how much trust to put in your relationship's gas tank. I'm not saying you should place trust in a tank that has a big ol' leak and doesn't deserve it. Some guys (or girls) aren't ever going to be worthy of your trust, and you should walk away. Just remember you both have a gas tank to fill. You can fill his up by trusting him, but if he's not filling yours and trusting you, you still aren't getting anywhere.

I plan on going places with my full tanks of gas! Fill 'er up!

single is not a disease

Being single is not a disease. There aren't any symptoms. I get irritated with those who assume that single = unhappy. Being attached does not necessarily make someone happy. They aren't related. I’ve learned that having a happy and full life is about me, knowing myself inside and out, and making choices that are good for me emotionally. I have to do that whether I am single or attached.

Why do people act as if there is something wrong with being single. Like there’s no possible way you can live life without a boyfriend, so I must go out and find one now. Really? So when we go to happy hour and you spend the whole time complaining about how your boyfriend or husband was

a) acting jealous
b) doesn’t trust you when you spend time with your friends
c) spent money he shouldn’t have
d) possibly or actually cheated on you
e) accused you of cheating on him
f) doesn’t like your family
g) acted pissy because you wanted to watch a different show
h) got mad because you didn’t clean up after him
i) criticized your choice of wardrobe/job/home décor/spending habits…

are those the signs of a happy and fulfilled life? That’s what I’m missing out on? I’m not missing much, in my opinion.

I know. Not all guys are like that. Not all relationships are energy drains. I have friends who are in happy and healthy relationships, full of respect and love for each other, who communicate with each other and both compromise when needed. I admire them, and they are the benchmark for the type of relationship I want. That benchmark is the reason I hold out for a good man and don’t settle.

And in the meantime, I’m just going to keep on being happy.

mulligan?

Hey.

I was sleeping soundly when I heard it, the sound of a text coming in. It was late, who could be texting me at this hour? I groggily reached over and grabbed my phone. Opening one eye, I tried to focus on the screen. Maybe I should have grabbed my glasses too. Then everything came into focus at once, and my heart lurched. There it was, three little letters, “Hey” From him.

I don’t often end relationships badly. By the time I break up with someone, we’re usually able to stay friends, or at least friendly. Not this guy. He said horrible things to me as he was tearing me down, accusing me of things I didn’t do, and walking away. I still remember trying to reason with him, to explain that he misunderstood my actions, begging him to hear my explanation, and his response, “No way, I hate you.”

If there was a relationship I could use a mulligan on, it’s him. How I’ve wanted for so long to prove to him that I wasn’t the person he accused me of being. How I wanted to show him what he meant to me, to pull him close and make everything all right. But that bridge was burned, I knew he hated me, he said it so clearly, and I wasn’t going to change his mind. So I let him go. Eventually I moved on. But when he crosses my mind, it’s always with a twinge of regret and bittersweet memories. Very few have ever reached that deep into my soul.

So there it was, a simple “hey.” A door open, just a crack. And my mind went off in a million directions at once. Quick, do a happy dance! Should I play it cool or ask him what the hell he wants? Do I ignore him entirely? Why now, after all this time? Is he okay? Will there be a spark when I see him? Does he even want to see me? How will I ever know what made him reach out to me now? For crying out loud answer the damn text already!

After considerable thought, I responded the only possible way I could to such a message. I said, “Hey, what’s up?” Yup. I totally showed him. Literary genius, that’s me.

It worked. The door opened a little more. We started talking. I don’t know that it’ll go anywhere, but at least the anger and hatred is gone. He said he couldn’t hate me. He knows I was honest. We both apologized for our bad behavior that led to the fight that ended any chance we had. Forgiveness feels good.

No promises have been offered. No plans made. But the door is open. That’s enough for today. My heart is a little lighter.

a different brand of crazy

A few weeks ago, I met a new guy. He seemed great. Cute, liked to dance, maybe a little rusty at this game of dating, sweet, and best of all – he really liked me! It’s been a long time since a man called me beautiful and doted on me. Those first moments were blissful and exciting!

And as the days went on, the shiny wore off, like cheap silver plate. As he shared more of himself with me, he held nothing back. He laid all his baggage at my feet, the good and the bad. While a part of me can appreciate his utter honesty about the life he’s led, I prefer to learn those things about someone over time. I was a bit overwhelmed, but since none of the things I’d learned were deal breakers by themselves, I decided to push on and write it off to his enthusiasm for a budding relationship.

Under the shiny exterior, as I started learning more about him, I caught glimpses of the yellow and red flags that would eventually light my way to the exit. I know I’m picky about dating guys. My friends tease me about how fast I can spot a fatal flaw in a relationship. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve held bets on how long it would take me to find it with some of the guys I’ve dated. I wonder what the odds are in Vegas on that?

I honestly wasn’t looking for the fatal flaws. I never do. But there are deal breakers for me in relationships, and when I spot one, I’m not going to waste my time or his. I’m a “rip the band aid off fast” girl. Life is short, and I’m not spending one more minute being miserable than I have to.

So when he started displaying signs of controlling and insecure behavior, the red lights started flashing. Asking me to cancel plans with a friend in order to meet his friends is a big no no in my book. And shortly after, the insecure, needy texts – Where are you? Did you get my text? Why aren’t you answering? Did I say something to offend you? I really like you, why aren’t you answering me? I don’t know why you aren’t answering – maybe my texts aren’t coming through?

No kidding. One night. All those texts and more. I’m not even sure how many phone calls there were because after the first three texts came within an hour or two, I shut my phone off and went to the movies. By myself. Best date night ever. The next morning I broke up with him. I knew that if he needed constant contact, reassurance and control over my time, I’d quickly feel smothered and resentful. No matter how much I like someone, I still need to be me in a relationship.

I know none of us are confident in ourselves 100% of the time. We all have insecure moments. But at least I can recognize my insecurity rising and have learned how to handle those moments without derailing my relationships. I’d say that I wish other people would figure that out as well, but then I wouldn’t get to write blogs about my crazy dating life. Remember the clam chowder incident? Oh, I’ll tell you about it sometime...

getting out my soapbox

A little bit of relationship advice for anyone who needs it:

Does your partner:

• insult you in public or private?
• check up on where you've been and whom you've talked to?
• criticize your family and friends?
• pressure or force you to have sex when you don't want to?
• limit where you can go and what you can do?
• tell you jealousy is a sign of love?
• prevent you from leaving the house, getting a job or continuing your education?
• destroy your belongings?
• make accusations that you are having an affair?
• touch you in a way that hurts or frightens you?
• harm, scare, or threaten you or your children?

IF you answered YES to any of these questions you could be a victim of domestic abuse and you need to GET HELP NOW!

When I saw this earlier this week on a friend's Facebook wall, I was instantly transported back to a time when I felt completely powerless to help a close friend who was struggling with some of these issues in her relationship with someone who appeared to most people to be a kind, generous, thoughtful man. Thankfully I've never experienced abuse in my own relationships, but I am empathetic toward those who have. And being on the outside, watching someone you care about suffer for falling in love with someone who isn't capable of a trusting, loving relationship is hard to do. But I've found it's always better to speak up or ask questions than to stand by and say nothing.

None of the things above are love. Remember that. Pass the word.

breaking my silence

Today, I’m changing gears. I have to get something off my chest. I’m bothered by something that is happening in my life and I’ve stayed silent about it for as long as I can. No more. Ready?

Dating sucks.

There! It's out. Whew! Geez, what did you think I was going to say?

I recently had a few dates with a man I’d met and dated a few years ago. I remembered that I really liked his sense of humor and things had been moving in a promising direction back then (even if they weren’t moving at the speed I wanted them to). In short, when we reconnected, I found myself wondering if I’d passed up something good when things fizzled out before.

So I decided to give him another shot. I wanted to see if there was a connection there. Did he still make me laugh? Did we still have the same things in common? Would there be any sparks?

We went on a couple of dates – dinner and a movie, and then a dinner at one of the most romantic spots in Portland. There weren’t any sparks. The chemistry isn’t there. He’s still a good guy, but we aren’t riding the same wave. We can sit and talk and laugh, but I feel like I’m going through the motions. I can tell he likes me. It’s sad. I really wish I liked him more. This is the part of dating that sucks! He's a great guy, for someone else.

I feel like I’ve lost so much in the last few years, and I have grown and learned and become a much healthier, stronger soul for it. I’m ready for a good man in my life. One who understands that I need space to breathe, that I need to laugh, dance, sing and play, and who wants to do some of that with me. One who sees that my life is full, it has pain and it has joy and they balance in a beautiful way that makes me appreciate each day more. I need someone whose own need for freedom and independence balances mine. Someone who speaks the truth, who doesn’t make promises he won’t keep, and who wants me more than he needs me in his life. I’m ready to open my heart to the right man. There's room for him now.

When will he come along? Is he already in my life, and we just haven’t figured it out? Is it the guy who makes my stomach flutter when his hand grazes mine? The guy whose phone calls and texts always make me happy, no matter what kind of day I'm having? Or the guy whose gaze across a room full of people can make my knees weak? The guy who laughs and teases me relentlessly because he knows I love his sarcasm? Have I known him for years, or is he still a stranger to me? Time will tell.

I know I have to just keep on hoping and trying. And putting on my hopeful face and shaving my legs before heading out on hopeful dates. But some days, and some dates, just suck.