everything changed and it's all the same

Last week, I was having a conversation with a close friend about my love life. We sat there discussing the latest rollercoaster I was on, and the ups and downs I’ve been through in recent weeks, and the fact that I have a set of boomerangs that keep coming back every 4-6 months. Note to self - if this keeps happening, perhaps we should change the boomerang analogy to satellites. Taking leaps of faith and opening my heart to new adventures in love can be taxing at times. At one point, he mentioned how much my search for finding the right man for me has changed over the years that he’s known me.

I didn’t know what he meant at first. Seriously – I started looking for a good man and I’m still looking for one. Nothing has changed. I told him just that.

Later, as I thought about it some more, I realized exactly how right he was. Everything about my search has changed, even while my end goal has stayed the same. I nearly called him late that night to tell him he was right, but I don’t want to give him too much of an ego!

Once upon a time, in my twenties, I wanted a husband, a couple of kids, and a white picket fence life. I’d bake cookies, run to football games or piano practice, and we’d have dinner together every night. I wanted a tall, good looking man who loved country music and sports, who would play games with the kids and take me out dancing on Saturday nights. The list kept going…

As time rolls on, I realize that I will probably not have children of my own, I eat popcorn and wine for dinner some nights, and I run to happy hour and spend time laughing with friends. I’m still looking for someone to build a life with, but it's a different sort of life. In fact, as I look at where I am now, I wonder a little what would have happened if I'd stuck it out with a few of my exes - the one who didn't want kids, the one who wasn't ready to settle down, or who pushed me in directions I was convinced I didn't want to go. Would they smile and laugh, seeing that now, after all this time, I've chosen the same direction myself? I just wasn't ready for them then. But, if they could see me now...

I’ve dated good guys and bad boys. Men who were intellectual and could literally discuss rocket science, and men who barely graduated high school and whose bodies show how physically intense their work is, whether it’s raising cattle, fighting wild fires or building houses. Athletes and geeks. You name a type, I’ve probably at least gone on one date with a guy like that.

I have done a really good job of finding out what I don’t want. And in turn, finding out what I really do. It took me a long time to realize, and even longer to be ready to talk about the things I need in a relationship.

The crappy part about knowing what I really need now? It makes finding him even harder. In general, the qualities I’m looking for are similar to my original list, but they are much more refined. It’s like the high definition version of the list from my twenties. There were things I wanted back then that I described in physical qualities and facts. The list now is much more about finding a man with the right character and personality for me. Really, I don’t care as much about his physical features as I do about whether he makes me feel like a woman standing next to him. I won't lie though - I do like them tall. I don’t care about what he does for a living, but I do care about his work ethic. It doesn’t matter if he loves country music, as much as it matters that something evokes his passionate side like music, dancing and writing does for me.

In the last year of dating, as my list of wants and needs has evolved, I’ve come across a few men who started checking things off the list. The new list! It’s refreshing and so welcome. It gives me hope that I’m on the right track. Have I already met him, are we already friends, or is he still someone unknown? Time will tell. And so I keep on searching, to find the one with whom my heart belongs. 

oh, there you are

A few weeks ago, I made some changes. To my life, this blog, my house and my attitude. I'm happy to say, they all seem to be for the best! How do I know this? Because I just found a friend I didn't realize had skipped town for a while... me.

In the time I have been spending with friends recently, exploring new ideas, trying new adventures and sharing old memories, I have suddenly uncovered some things about myself that I had forgotten. It's refreshing to know that the girl I once was is still hanging around. She has a bright personality, a sharp wit, a kind and compassionate heart, and is brave enough to tell her truth to those who need to hear it. The world is so much more fun with her around.

It's funny; I didn't realize how much I wasn't feeling like myself until I started feeling like me again. I just knew that there was something out of balance, and I figured out what I could change in my life and something I could take proactive action toward fixing, and then I did it. And then I found the next thing I could change that was bugging me, and I changed it. And it's quite possible I'm on a roll.

irreconcilable

What happens when you and the one you love need different things?

The other day, I had a conversation with a friend about his relationship. He and his partner are at a fundamental crossroads. Something that he considers to be a basic necessity in life is something that his partner does not believe to be necessary, and therefore won’t provide.

He didn’t have to say it. I could sense his pain over this difference a mile away. How do you walk away from someone you care about and love? How do you honor your needs when your partner won’t? How does that relationship survive? Can you really deny something about yourself that is vital to your well being in order to stay in a relationship? Maybe you can for a while. But are you ever really happy? What is the cost to your soul?

Through the experience I had as an adult watching my parents’ marriage unravel, my perceptions on commitment and relationships were altered quite drastically. Over time, it became crystal clear to me that I would never be able to commit to a relationship with a man where our needs couldn’t coexist and thrive in each others presence. I’ve seen too many friends and family members settle for less than this. I watch their struggles, and I know I don’t want that for myself.

I’m not talking about little things and small differences in a relationship. I’m talking about the big ones. The things that you absolutely need in order to feel loved by another. Without them, you will never feel complete.

Some people might say that if you love someone, you’ll accept that they may not love you the way you need. Okay, that’s one way of looking at it. You must make the sacrifice and ignore what you need in order to receive their love. You lower your expectation, and make it okay for someone to love you by giving you less than you need.

Really? Feel love by not getting what you need to feel love? Hmm…

I think that if you truly love someone, you try to discover how they need to be loved and offer them as much of that as you can. In other words, if you have to sacrifice anything, you make the sacrifice of giving more than you feel comfortable with, rather than asking them to accept less.

Remember this, my dear friend. It is never too late to choose to honor yourself. It may not be easy, but your heart knows the way.

not a minute more

‘Do not wonder why things are “taking so long.” In fact, everything is rolling out exactly as it needs to, using not a minute more than perfection requires. Rest easy and be at peace. Life is working its magic even as you take your very next breath.’

-Neale Donald Walsch

Sometimes it's hard to be patient, even when I know it's in my best interests. Like love. It's a bit maddening though, when you know exactly what the end result will be, and it's everything you've dreamed of, and you are so excited for that moment when it becomes real, but you know you can't force the timing. So you sit and wait and pretend not to notice that time is passing. And you go out with friends, and you go out on lame dates, and you laugh and enjoy your life, but you still know deep inside that part of your life is just 'on hold.' Waiting for the moment when your dream comes true.

 

little lies

Is lying a deal breaker in a relationship? How big does a lie have to be before it does irreparable damage? What if they were lying to "protect you from being hurt"? Is staying silent the same as lying?

I have a personal rule for my relationships - no lying. Tell the truth, even if it means a difficult conversation has to happen. If you're in a relationship where you can't tell the truth, can't tell if you're hearing the truth, or that started with a series of lies, such as in an affair, how can you ever really believe in them and feel secure? I don't think you can. You're always looking, always on edge, whether you're the liar or the one being lied to.

I don't lie to those I love, because I know how it feels. I was raised to lead by example and treat others the way I want to be treated. I think a lot of people go around treating people the way they've been treated, and considering how many problems we see with violence and hatred in our culture, that's a nasty spin cycle we've created.

I believe that those I am in relationship with - my family, my friends, my love - are worth the truth. I believe I'm worth it too.

say when

"Say when." My brother was pouring me a glass of Kool-aid.

"Ok, that's enough. You can stop now." I said.

And then my glass over flowed and I got ticked!

"But you didn't say 'when'!" He explained, after I screamed at him as only a little sister can do.

In other words, I didn't use the magic combination of words that would actually make him stop pouring. I said I had enough. He could stop. I gave all the clues that my glass was full enough. But I failed to use the one that actually meant stop to him.

Yes, it was a trick we played on each other as children, and we'd probably still do it today. But I can't help but wonder if that's how some people live their lives as adults. Have some people never outgrown this childish behavior? If you didn't say it just the way I wanted you to, you didn't really mean it, so I can keep bugging you? So, if you ask them to stop interfering in your life, and they continue even after you ask them to leave you alone, what's the magic word? Hopefully there's a kinder, gentler one than "restraining order."

So I'm putting it out there - for those who've been trying to complicate my life and my relationships lately. Stop. I've had enough. When.

an exotic evening

I had a chance to see an advance screening of a new movie last night. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. A most excellent movie. Amazingly full of the stuff of life. Go see it. I can't even pick a favorite character - the casting was spot-on, and each person's story was a brilliant part of the symphony. Just go see it. I'm no movie critic - but this is funny and sad and serious and sweet all at once.

And it's full of little quote gems, like "It will all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." And, "I'm single by choice, just not my choice."

p.s. Judy Densch's character was my favorite. I think.

monday motivation - live

Just a little reminder. Don't worry about others so much. Live your own life.

40 things I’ve learned – a collection of personal observations, truthsand some quotes that have shaped me into the person I am

I recently turned 40. A milestone event for sure, but not traumatic as many would want you to believe. I feel stronger, healthier, more centered at 40 than at almost any time in my life. My life is in no way perfect, but it is generally good. I came up with a list of 40 things that make up "me" and wanted to share them with you. Who am I kidding? This is my first blog post - no one is reading it yet...

1. “Should” is a word that we use too often.


2. The rhyme we learned as children “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” isn’t necessarily true. Words can hurt. It’s what we choose to do when someone uses a hurtful word that means the most.


3. A lifetime’s not too long to live as friends.


4. Sometimes, boys are stupid. I’m not saying girls aren’t, but you can write your own list if you want to say that.


5. Laughter heals. So do tears.


6. You can love someone with all your heart and they can still walk away.


7. “Don't pole vault over mouse turds.” Excellent advice about keeping life simple and not overdoing things if it's not necessary.


8. I hope I’m never too old to remember what it’s like to be a kid.


9. "A bad habit never disappears miraculously; it's an undo-it-yourself project."– Abigail Van Buren


10. I really am stronger than I think I am sometimes.


11. Watching the news is not good for my outlook on humanity. Watching children play is.


12.  Chocolate and peanut butter will always be my favorite flavor.


13. Grief is hard work. And even when you’ve walked it yourself, you don’t know what someone else’s path through it will be like.


14. “You don’t get to choose how you are going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you are going to live. Now.” - Joan Baez


15. Just because I like plants doesn’t mean I have a green thumb.


16. My dog has taught me more about myself than I thought possible.


17. Qualifying an apology with an excuse destroys the apology. Never say, “I’m sorry, but…”


18. "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." Mother Teresa


19. Having a friend who will look you in the eye and tell you something you don’t want to hear, especially when it’s something you need to hear in order to grow, is a gift.


20. Popcorn and wine for dinner is okay once in a while.


21. Action is as important as words.


22. "The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself."– Anna Quindlen


23. I’m extremely grateful for my childhood, my hometown, and the community I grew up in. Even if I tell stories that make it sound otherwise sometimes.


24. Self esteem is not about anyone but me. It’s not friend esteem, or job esteem, or family esteem, or physical appearance esteem. No one else is responsible for how I feel about myself.


25. “We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” – Dr. Seuss


26. It’s possible that I watch too much tv.


27. The poem “Live with intention” by Mary Anne Radmacher changed my life.


28. I don’t keep track of how many best friends I have – but there are a lot of them. I’m lucky that way.


29. Life isn’t always fair.


30. Sometimes, you just need to get out the paper, scissors, and glue and have a craft day.


31. The smell of juniper, sage brush, and pine all together smells more like home than anything I know.


32. “Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit." --E.E. Cummings


33. Being single doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you or that you’re incomplete. It can be a blessing at times. I’m one of the happiest people I know. I can paint my walls any color I like and buy new towels whenever I want.


34. Nothing beats a good belly laugh. Especially one that involves snorting and crying.


35. If you don’t end up with marshmallow in your hair, you aren’t making s’mores correctly.


36. When I was about 6 years old, a dear family friend told me I had music in my heart, and I should always remember to listen to it and sing my own song.


37.  If you think you want to run a marathon, go cheer on a friend at mile 21. If you want to feel that “good,” go ahead and sign up.


38. “Time is all you have. And you may find one day that you have less than you think.” – Randy Pausch


39. Avoiding telling someone the truth because you don’t want to hurt them does more damage than telling them.


40. “Live imperfectly with great delight.” – Leigh Standley (Curly Girl Design)