when the sun goes down

Not long ago, one of my dearest friends said to me, "Did you ever notice how much of our friendship happens in the dark of night?"

It's true. While we've spent plenty of time together in daylight, some of the most memorable and true moments in our friendship over the years have happened after the sun has set. There have been late nights, early mornings, and sometimes all nights. By ourselves or with friends, staying up and talking about love and loss, goofing off and laughing till our sides ache. Soaking in a hot tub under the stars, lying in the cool grass on a summer night, snowball fights, and movie marathons all seem more exciting and adventurous in the dark. And our truths are so much easier to tell then too. It's easier to let your tears flow, drop your guard and be humble with each other.

I always look forward to these late night adventures, because they don't happen every day or every week. They are special and magical and happy and full of laughter and love, just like our friendship. It's about time we planned another one, don't you think, old friend?

first sign of spring

This little guy is the first in my yard to stretch open and welcome a new season!


As usual, the first daffodils remind me of a girls road trip during spring break many years ago. I'll never forget the laughter and joy that radiated from that car full of girls. May it cheer you up and remind you that it's time for new beginnings.



I

beautiful souls

I just spent the weekend with my best friend and two teenage girls. We flew to Los Angeles where we immediately (an hour or so later) got in the rental car and drove directly to the Pacific Ocean to have a picnic lunch with our feet in the sand, soaking up some sunshine and watching surfers. We spent the next two days covering every inch of Disneyland and California Adventure, filling up our happy tanks, laughing till we cried, walking till we hurt, and riding roller coasters till we screamed. I heard more giggles out of those two girls than I thought possible, until I remembered that I was once a giggling girl myself.

And yet, in the middle of all the excitement and joy, there were bittersweet moments. I couldn't help remembering going through the Haunted Mansion and riding the Matterhorn with Rochelle when we were 15. I thought of friendship often as I was watching the girls, knowing that both of them are seriously struggling with self-esteem, eating disorders and more, in a way that is beyond normal for their age. But their giggles and happiness were real this weekend, of that I am sure. I can only hope that it carries them for a while and shelters them from pain as long as possible.

Although I'm not a parent, my maternal instincts wanted to do everything to make sure they know that they are worthy and loved just for being themselves. That beauty isn't in the clothes they wear, the makeup they sneak on, and in whether they have a tan or not. It's in their soul and it sparkles even when their eyes are sad. It's in the child-like joy of joining in with a Disney character who just asked you to dance on the sidewalk. It's in learning a new way to live after a parent leaves or passes away. It's in the act of volunteering at a cat shelter just because you love cats. It's in giggling and sharing secrets with your best friend, knowing that she's got your back no matter what. It's in the permagrin that comes from riding a roller coaster that made you feel like a kid. These girls have beauty that cannot be contained, I just wish they could see what I see and trust in themselves.

beginnings

Happy New Year!

I spent a quiet night alone for New Year's. It wasn't what I had planned, but the weather conspired to change my plans. Instead of dancing the night away with friends, we all stayed off the icy roads. I watched a movie, finished a book, and spent a cozy evening cuddled up with the fur kids.

A mellow start to the year doesn't mean I'm getting soft. There are shenanigans and plans on the horizon! A night of rest was actually a good thing.

I'm looking forward to quality time with Tammy this week. I'll also get to see the "sponge" girls and families. I'm sure my sides will hurt from laughing and my heart will be full of smiles and love.

May your new year be happy and bright!

frolicking friend friday

I have had a rough week. Work is stressful right now. There are things in my personal life causing me stress and distress too, so I've spent 3 out of the last 5 nights with serious insomnia. Then, one of my best friends stopped by at lunch today. And reminded me how much I need my friends when I'm struggling. Just spending a little time chatting and enjoying each others company was all I needed to boost my spirits, remind me to try to look for the positive in what I'm facing, and then relax and have some fun too!

After lunch, I spent the afternoon playing with other friends and family - laughing on the phone with E-man and goofing off with dog park buddies. As the day went on, I could feel myself unwinding even more.

Yes, frolicking friend friday was exactly what I needed!

coffee boys

I’m lucky to have the flexibility to work from home a couple days a week. It’s so nice to not have to worry about how long my commute will be, knowing my pets don’t have to stay inside or outside for the entire day in whatever elements the Pacific Northwest is showing us this week, and have more time to get a run in, have lunch with one of my besties, and still catch a few extra minutes of sleep.

It’s not all sunshine and daisies though. My work is in communications, and I am by nature a social person. I live alone, so spending more time in my home can be a little isolating. At first, I found myself procrastinating more, and I was stumped as to why I was being less productive with more time on my hands, and then I realized three things:

1. I really do function better with a cup of coffee in the morning, which is tied to the discovery that I also make terrible coffee. It’s much better when I leave it to the experts.


2. It’s easier to start crossing things off my list after I’ve gotten ready for the day. If I log in and start working while I’m still in my PJ’s my energy never kicks in.


3. I need a little social interaction with other people at least sometime during the day.

And that brings me to my mornings with the coffee boys. I changed up my morning routine on my work at home days by making sure I take time for a shower and breakfast before my day begins, and then start my day at a coffee shop close by. I work for an hour or so while savoring my cup o’ joe. Wham! All three things are checked off to help my day start out productive.

Over the last few months, as I’ve settled into this routine, I’ve noticed a few guys who are usually at the coffee shop at the same time. I'm pretty sure they work in construction. There's usually just two of them, but occasionally a third joins them, always at  the table smack dab in the middle of the shop.  They’re about my age, a couple of solid, manly guys. You can also tell they’ve been friends longer than many marriages last. They laugh easily and it’s easy to smile at the way they joke around with each other.

As the weeks go by, we've started joking around with each other, with the staff, and with the other regular group that's there, "the grandpas." It's fun and lighthearted, and I really look forward to my mornings with the coffee boys. They notice and comment if I miss a day because of a meeting in Portland, or if one of us is missing for a week of vacation. Starting the morning with my friends is becoming my favorite part of working from home.

Except for Tank Top Tuesdays... those are just awesome from start to finish!

monday motivation - love

The only way love can last a lifetime is if it's unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love.
  Stephen Kendrick

What is unconditional love? Love given freely, without demand. It is kindness, compassion, honesty, loyalty. Unwavering in its truth, unconditional love doesn't fade. It's not infatuation or romance. It's so much simpler, and so much more meaningful. It can be shared among family, friends, even strangers.

My life is full of unconditional love. For the friends and family who choose to love me unconditionally, I am grateful beyond words. And I choose to love you back, regardless of circumstance or distance. In the quiet of your heart, my friend, know that you are forever loved.

happy birthday

Today is Rochelle's birthday. Once upon a time it was one of my favorite days of the year. Now it's a bittersweet day full of tears and just the memories of celebrations past.



In 2009, on the first of Rochelle's birthdays after she passed away, Shauna and I had a virtual best friends date across the miles. We picked a movie that was a little lighthearted, and one that Rochelle would have wanted to see (My Life in Ruins). Then, at approximately the same time - our time zones are two hours apart - we went to the movie. Since mine was the later start, as soon as I got out of the theater, I called Shauna. We laughed, we cried, and then we cried some more. It was a day of survival, more than celebration. Our grief was still too fresh during that year of firsts to feel much of anything but pain that day.

The next year, feeling a little stronger, I had started running, and in honor of my best friend, I ran the 5K Starlight run on her birthday. The Starlight run is a race along the parade route right before the nighttime parade that is one of the signature events of Portland's Rose Festival. Back in 1986, Rochelle, Shauna, and I were all part of the marching band and we'd come to Portland and performed in that parade. I wore a birthday cake tiara, shorts honoring my high school alma mater and professing my band nerd status, and a shirt honoring Rochelle as well. After the run, we watched some of the parade then went out to eat and drink with some of my closest friends and my mom. It was a good way to celebrate Rochelle that year!



Last year was a quieter, more subdued celebration. I was in California, not far from where Rochelle lived until she was 8 or so. My nephew's birthday is the day before Rochelle's, so I was celebrating with him. For his day, we had a lot of cupcakes and a party at a gymnastics center. The next day, Rochelle's birthday, we went to see the Giants game and spent some time in San Francisco. It was a fun day, and spending time with my brother and family was wonderful. I think Rochelle would have been happy to see that day.

This year has been rough on me emotionally, with new grief coming my way and relationship challenges with various people in my life. My support team has also shrunk a little. One of my best friends, someone who has been a part of my life for years, isn't able to be there for me this time around. So that sucks. For Rochelle's birthday, I don't have anything in particular planned. Well that's not entirely true. I have a bag of orange slices (her favorite candy) and ice cream. I have copies of Pretty Woman, Steel Magnolias, Top Gun, and Beaches (some of our favorite movies). I have a playlist set up with the songs of our friendship (everything from ABBA to Madonna to Enya). Anyone want to join me for a sentimental movie fest and sugar high? Bonus points if you can sing every song of the soundtracks to those movies. I hate to sing alone.

Happy birthday my dear friend Rochelle. I miss you more than I can ever say. You will always be my very best friend.

by and by

After spending a couple hours with a close friend a few evenings ago, I left for home feeling more content and peaceful than I had in days. I'd had a rough couple of days and my heart was feeling a little torn up, so it was comforting to just sit and be with my friend for a little while.  Back at home, as I was settling in for the night, I put on one of my favorite albums and it wasn't long before my favorite song came up to the plate. As I nodded off with these words in the background, I couldn't help but think of how true this is for our friendship. And for that I am ever thankful.

By and By

~Brett Dennen

Listen close, as close as I am to you
like the bell of liberty I'll ring a sound that's true
days go by and seasons too
in time our love may digress with the words we can renew

I tell you that I
I love you by and by
I don't know if I'd survive
without a friend like you in my life

and I know words can be the worst to purvey
how it is I feel for you it's hard for me to say
but if we keep it simple I think it's better that way
tangled words tend to lead my messages astray

I tell you that I
I love you by and by
and I don't know if I'd survive
without a friend like you in my life

this web we weave holds us hand in hand
and if we loosen our grips we may weaken these strands
so let us reinforce our love and let it echo through the land
if we don't we may find ourselves washed up with the sand

I tell you that I
I love you by and by
and I don't know if I'd survive
without a friend like you in my life

unconditional love

Today, I can't help but think about the one who loves me like no one else ever will. There is never any judgment in his eyes. He is always happy to see me, he sits with me when I need a snuggle, and he is goofy when I want a giggle. He'll do just about anything to make me smile. He is simply the best thing that has ever happened to me. He's the reason I had to put a child proof lock on the fridge and I don't even have children. He's insanely smart and stubborn and I love him more than life sometimes.

I'm taking my boy Porter in for a surgery he shouldn't have to have. A month ago, I took him in to have two tumors/growths removed. One on his eye, and the other on his right shoulder. There was an error, and they took off a growth on his left shoulder instead. I'm a little nervous about putting him under anesthesia again, since he's an old boy now. But they've assured me he is healthy and strong enough, and there is still that weird tumor on his right shoulder, so here we go.

UPDATE - Mr. Porter is home. It was a rough night though. He wasn't eating or drinking, and is moving pretty slow. He's eaten breakfast now, so that's good, but I feel so bad for the poor baby.

triumph

A few days ago, I read this post. Apparently, it was just what I needed at the time too. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, trying to figure out why I'm feeling "stuck" again in this path through grief so I can do something about it. I tend to get insomnia when I'm stressed or working through a tough spot, and my sleep pattern has been completely shot lately.

When Holly died last fall, I knew it was ripping open the wounds that had started to heal over Rochelle's passing. It sucked. There's no way of sugar coating it. I wasn't just grieving one loss, I was re-grieving an older one at the same time. Even when you understand grief, when you've walked this road, and you know what to expect, it can still send you for a spin.

As I read Jennifer's story and insights, I had a few new insights myself. Perhaps that was all I needed, a little sample of someone else's perspective, to help me realize fully that I have more grief work ahead of me and I'd better get to it if I want my life to keep moving in the direction I've chosen. Not that I haven't been doing any, but in some respects I have been trying to just move on instead of moving through. And it's those things that I need to pay attention to.

Since the day I read this, something has shifted. I'm feeling a little raw, a little sensitive, and at the same time hopeful and grateful. Spending time with a dear friend yesterday helped tremendously. A little laughter, serious discussions, tears and some hugs, and I slept like a dream last night. Thank you Tammy - you are just as amazing and strong as you think I am. Here's to many more years of cookie butter and smiles!

an exotic evening

I had a chance to see an advance screening of a new movie last night. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. A most excellent movie. Amazingly full of the stuff of life. Go see it. I can't even pick a favorite character - the casting was spot-on, and each person's story was a brilliant part of the symphony. Just go see it. I'm no movie critic - but this is funny and sad and serious and sweet all at once.

And it's full of little quote gems, like "It will all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." And, "I'm single by choice, just not my choice."

p.s. Judy Densch's character was my favorite. I think.

re-kindred spirits

You know when you meet someone and you instantly know that you're destined to be friends? That spark of connection between kindred spirits? What a great feeling! To know that someone else in this world "gets" you, and your quirky sense of humor. When you're sitting on the tailgate, eating ice cream cones and telling life stories a few days after meeting, you can't deny the bond that is already formed.

I've been lucky to have a number of friendships that started this way. But even better, I've had old friendships renewed this way. I've always taken friendship (and fun) seriously. But some of those friendships fade over time. We grow up, move away, get married (or not), have kids (or not), careers, houses, illnesses, divorces, heart break. Sometimes, someone or something else is responsible for the interruption in your friendship. Life just happens. A week without talking turns into a month, then a few months... and pretty soon it's been years.

I know I was better prepared than most for losing my best friend, Rochelle. I had 20 years to get used to the idea that I would outlive her. That didn't make it easier, but it did mean that I never, ever, not even once took our friendship for granted. Sure, it helped that we were kindred spirits, so we got along like peanut butter and chocolate. And whenever musketeer #3, Shauna was around, it was more like peanut butter, chocolate, and bananas. I'm not saying Shauna is bananas... oh who am I kidding? That girl is hilarious and funny as only slipping on banana peels can be. (Love you girl!)

I've come to realize that Rochelle left behind some really interesting gifts for me. One of the most remarkable to me is one that keeps appearing when I least expect it. That is the gift of rekindling friendships with those who I have considered kindred spirits. Or, as I might call them, re-kindred spirits! The chance to reconnect after a 2, 5, 15, or 20 year lapse in regular communication. I'm not just talking about catching up on the facts and statistics of our lives, but really reconnecting. Confirming once again, that the spirit is stronger than time and distance. That love, friendship and trust can survive and blossom again. Within minutes of seeing my twin best friends, Kendra and Roxann from 8th grade (after more than 20 years had passed), we were once again sharing stories that are reserved for those closest to our hearts - the ones that are bittersweet or painful. That's the beautiful thing about re-kindred spirits - you already know you can trust them to protect your heart!

In the 3+ years that have passed since Rochelle died, I have lost count of the friends who I've reconnected with. I'm sure she's sending them my way, and I'm grateful for that. She's that sort of friend, even in heaven. It's nice to know she still watches out for me, and sends me old friends to remind me that friendships do last lifetimes.

And I'm also finding that there really is more room in my once-broken heart. Room for new friends, old friends and especially re-kindred spirit friends.

first class relationship

Recently, I had a rare conversation with my best friend who has three small children. It was rare because she is never alone and can’t always talk freely without someone overhearing. I can’t imagine that she gets much privacy on a regular basis. It was also rare because we were both so honest about what was happening in our lives. There are few people in the world I trust with those conversations, and she is at the top of the list.

Part of the conversation included catching up on a recent trip they’d taken. Her husband had made the travel arrangements. He travels frequently and gets upgraded to first class automatically. When they got to the airport, instead of asking for both of them to be upgraded, he took his first class seat and let his wife sit in coach with an empty seat beside her. By the way, the difference between their seats was about five rows. She could see him the entire flight. While this isn’t terribly surprising to those of us who know him (he can be a bit self-centered), this did hit a new threshold of rudeness. At one point she said, “maybe I’m just a visual learner, but it was a clear picture of how he treats our entire relationship. He’ll never see me on the same level as him.”

The honesty of that statement took us both by surprise. The bell of truth certainly rings a pure clean sound. And, as we both laughed at the craziness of the scenario like you’d laugh at a sitcom (I can see Valerie Bertinelli playing her perfectly!), the fact is, she was right. That made me a little sad, because of all she’s been through in their marriage. And so, I offered her these words of encouragement:

I wish for you to know, once and for all, that you are worthy. Worthy of love and honor. Worthy of trust and devotion. I wish for you to know that taking care of yourself is the first priority and when you do that, your children will grow up to be as self-sufficient, loving, giving and understanding as you are. I wish for you to know the difference between being a nice person and being a doormat. To feel the joy of a pure and accepting love, without conditions, control, judgment or violations of your privacy. To know the freedom that complete trust in your partner can bring. To know that simply being yourself is all that you need to do. I wish for you to know that as your friend, I will be your champion and I will remind you of these things from now to the end of time.

Finally, I wish for you to find someone who adores and accepts you for who you are. How do you know when you’ve found that? He won’t sit in first class while you’re sitting in coach. I wish this for you. And I wish it for all my friends.