Wednesday, March 21, 2012

breaking my silence

Today, I’m changing gears. I have to get something off my chest. I’m bothered by something that is happening in my life and I’ve stayed silent about it for as long as I can. No more. Ready?

Dating sucks.

There! It's out. Whew! Geez, what did you think I was going to say?

I recently had a few dates with a man I’d met and dated a few years ago. I remembered that I really liked his sense of humor and things had been moving in a promising direction back then (even if they weren’t moving at the speed I wanted them to). In short, when we reconnected, I found myself wondering if I’d passed up something good when things fizzled out before.

So I decided to give him another shot. I wanted to see if there was a connection there. Did he still make me laugh? Did we still have the same things in common? Would there be any sparks?

We went on a couple of dates – dinner and a movie, and then a dinner at one of the most romantic spots in Portland. There weren’t any sparks. The chemistry isn’t there. He’s still a good guy, but we aren’t riding the same wave. We can sit and talk and laugh, but I feel like I’m going through the motions. I can tell he likes me. It’s sad. I really wish I liked him more. This is the part of dating that sucks! He's a great guy, for someone else.

I feel like I’ve lost so much in the last few years, and I have grown and learned and become a much healthier, stronger soul for it. I’m ready for a good man in my life. One who understands that I need space to breathe, that I need to laugh, dance, sing and play, and who wants to do some of that with me. One who sees that my life is full, it has pain and it has joy and they balance in a beautiful way that makes me appreciate each day more. I need someone whose own need for freedom and independence balances mine. Someone who speaks the truth, who doesn’t make promises he won’t keep, and who wants me more than he needs me in his life. I’m ready to open my heart to the right man. There's room for him now.

When will he come along? Is he already in my life, and we just haven’t figured it out? Is it the guy who makes my stomach flutter when his hand grazes mine? The guy whose phone calls and texts always make me happy, no matter what kind of day I'm having? Or the guy whose gaze across a room full of people can make my knees weak? The guy who laughs and teases me relentlessly because he knows I love his sarcasm? Have I known him for years, or is he still a stranger to me? Time will tell.

I know I have to just keep on hoping and trying. And putting on my hopeful face and shaving my legs before heading out on hopeful dates. But some days, and some dates, just suck.

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